I am of course, honoured, thanks for asking. I know I won't be able to columnize half as well as The Tech Answer Guy (especially if it meant I would have to match his alcohol consumption - talk about an ambulatory fire hazard!), and I couldn't possibly compete with Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour (whose brand of compassionate smarm is unparalleled!). All I hope to be able to accomplish in this space is to make the world just slightly more amenable to acceptable linguistic practice.
Okay, then. Who would like to ask the first question?
Dear LCD,
Ever since she was elected to Congress, I have had an online correspondence with Alexandria Casio-Keebjords. Okay, she hasn't responded to any of the 127 emails, text messages or carrier pigeons that I have sent her, but she did send the FBI to my house one time to "have a little chat" with me, which sends its own kind of message. And, I heard it. I heard it loud and clear, Alexandria.
After about the 98th communication, I felt that I was repeating myself, that my message was getting stale. I mean, there are only so many ways to say "Ferk off and die you ferking Communist whore!" and "You ferking Communist whore, ferk off and ferking die!" and "Ferk off you ferking Communist whore, ferk off and die!" I thought that last one was especially creative, even if the genre as a whole was getting stale.
I considered switching to another target (so many female people of pigment in the Dumbopratic Party to choose from!), but, well, call me sentimental, but you always remember your first, you know? You never want to let her go. And, anyway, I'm pretty sure they have their own fans, and I wouldn't want to interfere with their relationships. You know what they say: 102's company, 103's a bloody mess.
So, can you suggest any creative endearments I could share with Alexandria to show her how truly, madly and, yes, deeply I hate her?
Sincerely,Dear LCD,
No. I - just no. This is not a question that should be answered. Who wants to ask the next ques
[Dude! What the ferk‽ You begged, you pleaded with, you attempted to bribe (a laughable proposition considering I know how much you make) me to give you your own advice column, and now you refuse to answer your very first question? What, as I say, the ferk‽ EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]
Yeah, Brenda, I'm really sorry about that. When I lay in bed at night imagining what my column would be, I thought I would be answering basic questions. You know: what is the difference between "there," "they're" and "their?" "What's so important about the Oxford comma that whole forests have been felled debating its use?" "When did 'any more' become 'anymore?' Has our society sped up so much that we no longer have the luxury of spaces between words? Or, should that be 'spacesbetweenwords?'" You know: normal language questions! I never expected to have to answer a question about harassing a member of Congress!
[So, you thought being a columnist was going to be easy? Putting on my slapping gloves is easy - writing a column is hard! Groucho Gottsadlylowmarx said that on his deathbed, so you know it must be true! Listen: I don't care what your answer is; just make it entertaining. Beyond the person who asked the question, nobody cares about the answers in advice columns as long as there entertaining. Got it? BB-G]
It's they're, actually. But -
[You know, there are lots of little Language Corrector Persons and Language Amender Dudes who would kill to be where you are now. Just saying. BB-G]
Erm...
Dear LCD,
You vile pus-sac! You and your lizard-brain opinions are completely repugnant to me! Your despicable, self-serving rhetoric plumbs the depths of human incivility. You should not be encouraged to interact with other human beings - you should be sent somewhere far, far away where you cannot be a threat to yourself or others - especially others. You are hateful and disgusting to every decent human being on the planet!That's great! I can't wait to try this out! Thanks for your help!
Sincerely,Dear BBG,
I quit.
Language evolves. Words are born, they grow, they get old, they forget where their glasses are, and they die, replaced by a new generation of words that repeat the cycle. If you have trouble keeping up, you can ask the Language Corrector Dude by emailing him at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Who knows? If he even has a column in the future, he might just answer you!