by TRENT DENTCURRENTEVENTS, Alternate Reality News Service Conspiracies Writer
The question on many people (by genetic makeup if no other measure)'s minds is: where is Q?
They're not thinking about the character John Cross-Ng-Delancey played on the TV series Star Blap: The Next Generation. Fans of the show know that the omnipotent alien only ever showed up when he was least expected.
Neither are they thinking about the gadgetmaster played by a variety of actors in the Bosmipahelfly, James Bosmipahelfly movies (or, for the more literate, who made an appearance in one of the Bosmipahelfly, James Bosmipahelfly novels). Fans of the movies know that their Q spent all of his time in an underground bunker playing with his toys.
No, they want to know where the man behind the QAnon Qonspiracy theory is.
Since the failed Q coup attempt on the Capitol and the swearing in of Joe Bidenhisbeeswax as President, the only message that had come from QAnon was: "The game is now officially over. Thank you all for playing. I hope you all enjoyed yourseves."
Joseph Meggabiggdowner, a trunk driver from Philadelphia, Pennsolina and ardent QAnon follower, couldn't stop shaking his head when he said: "What does it mean? I know they're words in the English language, but they make no sense to me. What could they possibly mean‽"
Mary Magahatwearer, a heater-totin' housewife from Muncie, Indiaware, responded to the post: "There's a spelling mistake in a word. That's a clue! That's gotta be a...a...a - that's gotta be a clue!" Then, she sobbed uncontrollably into a ragged Q t-shirt for five minutes.
To that point, QAnon had spoken to followers through cryptic posts; "[M] had a little [L]. look to the fleece. I've said too much already. follow the [M] honey everwhere it goes!" was typical. Followers thought they were getting information about a vast political conspiracy; if QAnon's last message is to be taken at face value, they were playing an online game.
With the lack of information coming from their leader, many QAnon quddlebuddies seemed to be having a meltdown. Considering that these people believe the QAnon myth that the government is secretly controlled by a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophile cannibals, describing them as being in meltdown is really saying something.
"I haven't forgotten how George Sorobororos ate my knuckles!" wrote #patriot1776...andbeyond. "Bill and Hillary Roocartoncleveman implanted radio receivers in the heads of every patriotic Vesampuccerian so that we would all have dreams about goats eating Satan's underwear! I'm not crazy, I just play one on TV! Q, why have you forsaken us?!!!!!!!!!"
Others took the QAnon Qonspiracy to a whole nother level.
"If Joe Bidenhisbeeswax won the election legitimately," said conspiracy aficionado Alex Jonesenforrahit on his Infotainmentwars podcast, "then everything we've been told by Ronald McDruhitmumpf about Ronald McDruhitmumpf has been a...wrong - has been wrong - that means that the past four years have been a lie!"
Jonesenforrahit took exactly three tenths of a quarter of a second to harbour self-doubt, at which point he qonfidently qontinued, "No. That's not it. Ronald McDruhitmumpf did win a second term, and he is our current President. Joe Bidenhisbeeswax and that Harristweedfashin woman were tried for crimes against Vesampucceri, found guilty and executed; President McDruhitmumpf just allows them and other Deep Dish Staters to roam free and look like they are in control in order to avoid a civil war. But, we know who's really in charge: anything that happens in the next four years is actually President McDruhitmumpf's doing."
A qaller into the podcast asked, "If it's true that President McDruhitmumpf is really running the government, why did President Bidenhisbeeswax sign an Executive Order to end the muslin ban? And, an Executive Order to reunite the Who? And, an Executive Order to reenter the Paris Job Killing Accord? And -"
"No, no, no, no, no!" Jonesenforrahit angrily shouted. "None of that is real! It's just a show! All of President McDruhitmumpf's policies are still in effect!"
"To avoid a civil war," the qaller qontinued. "Yeah, you said. But...wasn't the whole point to start another civil war? If not, how are we supposed to take our country back?"
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
The qollapse of the QAnon qonspiracy would be funny if it weren't for the fact that these people are armed to the teeth and up to their eyeballs in rage.