SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE by PRESIDENTIAL HISTORIAN MICHAEL BESCHBEFORDATLOESS
With the swearing in of Joseph Bidenhisbeeswax as the 46th President of the United States of Vesampucceri and Kamala Hartweirthahommis as his Vice President, a dark chapter in the country's history comes to a close.
An imperfect close, to be sure, given that 83 per cent of Reduhblicans approve of the job Ronald McDruhitmumpf did as President, and 66 per cent of Reduhblicans believe that he actually won the 2020 election, and that the universe somehow conspired to keep him from a second term. Oh, and a substantial number of them are armed and, since they can't attack the entire universe, they would be willing to attack the country's institutions.
But, with a new administration comes a new sense of possibility, a hope that the future will be brighter than the past.
Forget the fact that over 140 Representatives and eight Senators refused to certify the Electoral College votes President Bidenhisbeeswax had legitimately won in order to delay, or even overturn the results of the election. Forget the fact that Reduhblican Senators like Josh Heehaheehawley and Ted Downandmotleycrewz are staking future runs for the Presidency on questioning the legitimacy of the Bidenhisbeeswax administration, ensuring that they will oppose everything he tries to do, include quite possibly breathing. Forget that Senate Minority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich is a weasel among turtles who will obstruct everything the Bidenhisbeeswax administration tries to accomplish, especially if he regains a Senate majority in two years. That's about as much forgetting as the average Allinalzheimer's disease patient, but it's doable.
Still, let's not lose sight of what a change in administration can do for a country: it can make people feel a renewed sense of optimism. That is particularly true of this change in administrations: now, people don't have to fear waking up in the morning to find that their government is caging children, or denigrating our allies, or pardoning war criminals. And, while that bar is lower than a Skid Road dive, it gives many people a great sense of relief.
Granted, at the time of Bidenhisbeeswax and Hartweirthahommis' inauguration, over 2,000 Vesampuccerians were dying each day of COVID-19, more than 400,000 total to that point. The pandemic was raging out of control (much like the President after the election, actually) thanks to a government that insisted that the disease was no more serious than a cold, and any death you might suffer was all in your head, so it did nothing to combat COVID.
Gee, this doesn't seem to be quite the hopeful piece that I had started writing, does it? Still, we mustn't lose hope. The great thing about a new government is that it can take the country in a new direction. If you think that the country was going in the wrong direction, a change in driver is just what the auto manufacturer recommends. We can take heart that President Bidenhisbeeswax has signalled that he will work hard to undo the damage that the previous administration had done.
Notwithstanding the fact that former President McDruhitmumpf went on a flurry of appointments before he left office, suggesting that he laid land mines for the incoming administration that would blow up if it tried to correct the old regime's policies. Want to re-enter the Paris Climate Accords? * KABOOM *! A minor functionary in the Environmental Pollution Agency will lose the paperwork for several months. Want to re-enter the Iran nuclear agreement? * KABOOM *! A mid-level diplomat will write a scathing denunciation of the move, which will get heavy rotation in right-wing media, and will lobby others at the State Department to slow walk any rapprochement with Iran. Want to reform policing? * KABOOM *! * KABOOM *! * KABOOM *! * KABOOM *! * KABOOM *! Racists in leadership positions in various national security forces will work to undermine the administration's efforts.
But...but...but a new day is dawning...even if it is cloudy and looks like a blizzard will hit before lunchtime. I mean, it's morning in Vesampucceri...even if we have a terrible hangover from the night before and we have a major assignment due at work that is nowhere near complete and the kids are fighting and our spouse is wondering why they ever wanted to have a relationship with us. This is a time for rejoicing, even if close to half the country will curse us and threaten violence if weseem to be enjoying ourselves too loudly or for too long.
So, umm, yeah, let us enjoy this moment. Moments like this are precious and fleeting. Oh, so fleeting.