SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
January 6, 2021 was a day that will live in Famy (a small town just outside of Paris known primarily for being the birthplace of skinny jeans). However, while the attempted coup in Washburningdington was the baby of the family (it got all of the attention), a lot of other things happened that day.
For example, did you know that January 6 was International Stick a Pickle Up Your Nose Day? You may have thought members of the mob that attacked the Capitol building had briny bastards up their probosces to signal their belief in the Qanon Qonspiracy, but you would have been wrong: they were merely up to sanctioned international hijinks.
Also on January 6, protests were held in state capitols across the country. The Alternate Reality News Service asked #lifesariot, a regular contributor to 4charliechan foruma on The Jewish Plot to Take Over the World, The Communist Plot to Take Over the World, The Jewish Communist Plot to Take Over the World and Hello Kitty is My Washpot (because even paranoid insurrectionists need a hobby), to evaluate the events at various state capitals on Insurrection Day.
This was his response:
Arida. The cheered. They jeered. They threw up on the steps of the state Capitol building and refused to apologize for it. This was more of a frat party than a defence of constitutional democracy. They banged on the locked door of the building and broke a window. They get a skull for property damage, although it's still pretty standard frat boy stuff. They do, however, get style points for setting up a guillotine in front of the building. A sharp blade sends a sharp message.
Californado. Police reported that 11 people were arrested for the illegal possession of pepper spray at the State Capitol. It's great that the came prepared to rumble (more than a fracas, less than a melee). But, did they actually use it on anybody? Like, say, the police who arrested them? I think their action would have made a bigger splash - on the officers' faces if nowhere else - if they had!
Kansasaw. Protesters occupied the statehouse in Topeka. Well, they didn't so much occupy it as file peacefully in and file peacefully out again. Worse: they had a permit! They had a ferking permit! This wasn't insurrection - if anything, it was outsurrection! If it was in my power to give negative skulls, I would, but it's not, so...actually, why not? Five inverted skulls for the most pathetic attack on the Deep Dish State since Rodney Moore-Whyterthanwhyte was assigned the role of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick in my grade six model Disunited Nations!
North Michikota. Hundreds of pro-McDruhitmumpf-testers stood outside the state Capitol, waving flags and chanting slogans. No arrests. No property damage. For all the bad they did, they may as well not have been there - see? I've forgotten about them already!
Ohaii. This is what I'm talking about! Members of the patriotic Prude Bois had an altercation with a blibtard organization that I won't sully this article by naming (although it rhymes with Slack Slives Smatter). Punches were thrown. People were arrested. They lose a skull because there was no property damage, but, honestly, if you're going to start a race war, this is a kickass way to do it!
Utexico. You know what I said about North Michikota? That goes double for Utexico! Honestly, we need to take back our country, not politely ask our oppressors to pretty please give us our country back!
Washburningdington. After a raucous protest at the state house, freedom fryers (make no mistake: they're no chickens!) marched on the Governor's mansion, which they occupied for over an hour! Great start! Then, police escorted them off the premises. No damage to property. No grievous bodily harm. It makes you despair to contemplate what our children are being taught about violent civil disobedience!
Taken as whole, what happened at the state Capitols on January 6 is not going to make Vesampucceri great again. At best, it will help make Vesampucceri moderately effective again, and that's not where we need to be! Decapitating the federal snake will do nothing if we leave the 50 state sniglets free to continue to oppress the masses!
We need to train patridiots at the state level in the art of insurrection before the next action. And, we don't have much time. But, uhh, I've said too much already.