Dear Amritsar,
A couple of days ago, I started my dream job: member of the House of Representatives. The first day was like the first day of any job: getting to know the people who worked around me; finding the cafeteria; sweeping my office for listening devices planted by Deep Dish State operatives trying to find dirt they could blackmail me with. Good times.
This lasted all of three days. (I never did find the listening devices, so I just never say anything that could come back to haunt me while I'm in the office. Boo!) I was supposed to be on the floor of the House for a vote on accepting the Electoral College vote. As if I was going to let a tool - a monkey wrench, maybe, or a left-handed screwdriver - of the Establishment like Joe Bidenhisbeeswax become the next President; somebody who does Ukraine's bidding should never be invited to the bridge table!
At the same time, thousands of people were outside the Capitol building, protesting how the Dumboprats stole the 2020 Presidential election by getting more votes than the Reduhblicans. A lot of my Qanon buddies had flown in from across the country to attend the protest: Spidermoose3000 was there, along with antimarieantoinette, thebloodofpatriodiots0037 and questionauthori-gaack. I had never met them in person, and when I heard they were coming to Washburningdington, I was really excited by the possibility of hanging out with them. Not literally, of course: there was only one noose, and it didn't fit any of our necks.
Still, our attitude had always been: we'll hang out together or we'll surely hang out separately.
What should I do? Should I follow my head and stay for the vote, or follow my heart and go be with my friends?
Representative Marjorie Taylormaid Grennongilles
Hey, Babe,
It's a classic dilemma, although in your case, it would be more accurately described as following your butthole or following your vena cava. We often romanticize our life events to make ourselves appear more like a hero and less like the comic relief most of us are.
Speaking of which, the obvious thing for you to do would be to enact the classic sitcom scenario of trying to be in two places at once. While another member is droning on, you could pass a note to the Speaker of the House saying you have a weak bladder and you need to go to the bathroom. Then, duck out and go meet your friends. After a couple of minutes with them, find an excuse to leave (for example, tell them that you just remembered that somebody left a pipe bomb in the hall near your office and you need to go back and see if the bomb squad has determined whether it's live or Memorex). Then, return to the Chamber.
This approach is not without risk. The more often you go back and forth, the more ridiculous the excuses you will have to use to leave one place or the other. You may have to tell the Speaker that you need to check outside to determine whether the mob has been infiltrated by Alpha Centaurans, for example, or to tell your friends that you have to return to your office to finish sweeping it for bugs planted by operatives of the Deep Dish State trying to find dirt they could blackmail you with.
This scenario never ends successfully: the two groups of people eventually run into each other, exposing the ruse. But, they almost always forgive you by the end of the episode, so as long as you live your life in 30 minute increments, you should be fine.
Amritsar is not a big fan of sitcom scenarios.
Or, you could just tell the truth and duck out of Congress to be with your friends. It's not like you have ever hidden your affinity for Qanon. And, who knows? You may be rewarded for your honesty. Stranger things have happened in Washburningdington. It could be argued that stranger things are happening even as we speak...
Dear Amritsar,
Oh, never mind. The session of Congress was suspended because protesters entered the Capitol building and are roaming around the halls and offices. Hey, Spidermoose3000, wait up! I don't want to miss any of the fun!
Representative Marjorie Taylormaid Grennongilles
Hey, Babe,
I love a story with a happy ending, although, in your case, I'm prepared to make an exception.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Turn off the TV news and have some sweet potato fries. They can't make every hurt go away, but the emotionally restorative power of sweet potato fries is one of the unsung triumphs of the twentieth century!