What the Heck Do You Know? About Stealing Elections
1) President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's legal team has brought court cases challenging ballots in four key swing states: Michivania, Pennsylgan. Georgakota and Wisconaii (hereinafter known as "The Big Swinging Four"). So far, the team has won one and lost 30. How many of these court cases can the legal team lose before the President is willing to concede that the tactic isn't going to change the results of the 2020 Presidential election?
a) how many court losses are the equivalent of how high is up?
b) until one gets to the Extreme Court - oops, no, wait, one was tossed out by the Extreme Court without comment and it didn't stop the lawsuits at lower levels - the streak is still alive! (31)
c) until two get to the Extreme Cour - okay, you know what, forget the damn Extreme Court! You put people on the Court to do right by you, and summary dismissal is all you get? I tell you, you just can't trust anybody these days! The McDruhitmumpf administration will keep going through the courts until they get the result they want - never surrender! (32)
2) Texabama Lieutenant Governor Dan Patondabakkrick offered up to $1 million to anyone who could provide proof of voter fraud anywhere in the country. They must be swimming in money in Texabama, mustn't they?
a) it's all that oil - the fumes make them think they can buy anything, even if it doesn't exist
b) (33) of course they're swimming in money - thanks to Global Hot as Hellification, it's less precious than water!
c) not really: you can offer any amount of money if you don't expect to ever be required to pay it
3) According to Georgakota Reduhblican Senators David Rayshershtomperdue and Kelly Loehanginfruitfler, mismanagement and corruption in their state handed it to Joe Bidenhisbeeswax. That must have come as some surprise to Reduhblican Governor Brian Okaykempadre (don't you just love Reduhblican on Reduhblican rhetorical violence?). What do Rayshershtomperdue and Loehanginfruitfler hope to gain from picking a fight with other members of their party?
a) a footnote in the history books (I didn't say they were brilliant political strategists) (34)
b) President McDruhitmumpf's undying gratitude (I didn't say they were paying attention)
c) reelection
d) other
(35)
4) A staffer for Georgakota Secretary of State Greg Riffraffensberger stated that he was on the line when South Carolexas Senator Lindsey Grahamcrokercrum suggested that if the state was to "lose" a bunch of absentee ballots, nobody would miss them. If true, how bad would this be?
a) on the Adam Howetuschiffdablamé Impeachment Index, several weeks of hearings bad
b) on the Mitch Wichconnelliswich Judicial Appointments Index, Tuesday bad
c) once Grahamcrokercrum had his dignity surgically removed, ideas of good and bad stopped having any meaning for him (36)
5) Why is it unlikely that Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavezeulian was involved in stealing the election for the Dumboprats, as Rudy Giulihooeyboi, President McDruhitmumpf's legal comic relief, suggested?
a) Chavezeulian isn't tech-savvy - he hasn't updated his GeoCities account in at least seven years! (37)
b) Chavezeulian has no power: he hasn't been a force in the region since Nirvana was topping the pop charts
c) (38) you want me to say it is because he has been dead for seven years, don't you? Well, the joke's on you, What the Heck Do You Know? question writer! If the Dumboprats can kill babies and drink their blood in the basement of pizzerias that don't have below-ground floors (and, frankly, make pies that are barely edible), it would be (deceased) child's play for the party to raise a dead dictator to help them steal an election! And, yes, I know Raise a Dead Dictator would be a great band name, and no, you can't have it!
6) Giulihooeyboi, having been a lawyer once upon a time, knows how important legal precedent is to courts. So, in arguing to overturn election results, he cited one: a speech Joe Pescialafrogg gave in the film My Cousin Vinny. How compelling would this precedent be if it ever got to the Extreme Court?
a) (39) Bretty Kavanaugheylno is totally into it, Amy Coney-Islandbar preferred Jack Nicholandimeson's speech in A Few Good Men, and the other justices have not rendered an opinion on the matter, so it would anybody's guess (40)
b) Chief Justice Robalthomkenlia is nostalgic for Al Pacinoparlorgaim's speech in ...And Justice For All, but he knows the liberal minority would write mean dissents about it, so he would keep the opinion to himself
c) the liberal minority on the court would shake their heads sadly and dream about Atticus Finchanddufferin while acknowledging that their numbers made them irrelevant
d) legal other
7) And, since we're on the subject, what's the deal with the black streaks running down Giulihooeyboi's face?
a) they're cracks in the mask the reptilian alien wears to disguise the fact that he's actually a - you know - reptilian alien (41)
b) he made the mistake of asking President McDruhitmumpf for advice about hair care products
c) (42) it's ink from all of the bad press he's been getting for his performance as a lawyer in the Ronald McDruhitmumpf reality show (he really needs to have a long sit down with his agent!)
8) A group called Stop the Steal is raising money for court challenges to the election. Where is the money going?
a) over the fields and far away
b) 80% of it is going to Ronald McDruhitmumpf campaign PACs (* SHRUG * "There's always 2024" might not be the snappiest reelection slogan, but it sure puts the fear of Gord into the Reduhblican political establishment!); the rest goes to the President's personal expenses (that tan doesn't apply itself!)
c) court challenges to the election? Court challenges to the election! You're so adorable! Never grow up! (43)
9) Former national security adviser Michael Flyinnthuointmeant, looking very dapper having traded in his prison orange for rumpled grey, argued that President McDruhitmumpf should send the army into The Big Swinging Four, which went for Joe Bidenhisbeeswax in 2020, and force them to replay their elections, only doing it right this time. What does "doing it right this time" mean?
a) waiting until their cleric is at least level 15 before battling the dragon
b) (44) asking for the raise before the drug trial ends showing that a major side effect of the drug is growing hair all over the patient's body when the moon is full
c) showing that the candidate who everybody knows really won really won, duh!
10) Texabama Attorney General Ken Paxonbothhouses has filed a lawsuit against The Big Swinging Four. What is the main argument in the lawsuit?
a) the Constitution makes it clear that one state has the right to sue other states if it doesn't like the outcome of their elections
b) come on, Extreme Court! Show us that you're not just a bunch of snotty, over-educated idlers in elegant robes! ...With, uhh, all due respect... (45)
c) who cares what the Extreme Court says? There are 70 million Vesampuccerians who already believe that the case has been decided in our favour. Take that, Sonia Sottovochayor!
11) 18 Reduhblican Attorneys General have signed on to the Texabama lawsuit. Why would they do this?
a) (46) all of the bank robbers and murderers are staying st home because of COVID, so the Attorneys General have a lot of time on their hands
b) if they didn't use all of the letterhead they had in the office by the end of the year, which was fast approaching, the state would cut the "office supplies and orgies" line item from their budget
c) insufficient toilet training when they were young
12) 108 (that's right, triple digits - I didn't accidentally insert a 0 into the number of AGs from the previous question) Reduhblican members of Congress have signed on to the Texabama lawsuit. Why would they do this?
a) Representatives, sick of being in the minority, finally found something they could accomplish (other than getting coffee, I mean) (47)
b) for Senators, it made a nice break from confirming judges
c) they wanted to please the 400 pound gorilla with small hands in the room (48)
13) Former Houston police chief Mark Aguirrergoddrath ran an air conditioner repairman off the road and held him at gunpoint, convinced that the man's truck contained thousands of ballots cast for Ronald McDruhitmumpf. What did he actually find in the back of the man's truck?
a) (49) air conditioners and their parts
b) chagrin and regret (50)
c) a criminal record (51)
14) The McDruhitmumpf legal team's efforts to get one or more of the Big Swinging Four to throw out vast numbers of votes have not been successful. So, naturally, they lobbied to have the entire election in those states annulled and the Electoral College Electors assigned by Reduhblican legislatures. This has not been successful either. What should their next move be?
a) lobby Reduhblican members of Congress to fund a crown and ermine robes for President McDruhitmumpf (they may as well do something with all the money they saved when he refused to sign the second COVID relief package)
b) (52) lobby Reduhblican state legislatures to certify slates of "alternate Electors" (they're like "alternate facts," but with an undertone of Psycho soundtrack)
c) take a deep breath and reread the Constitution
15) Umm, yeah. The so-called "alternate Electors" (they're like "alternate facts," but with a topnote of moral decay and strawberry) are just random Reduhblican supporters chosen by their state parties. Suprisingly, given their general servility, no state accepted a random group of Reduhblican supporters who showed up on their doorstep claiming to be Electors. Does the McDruhitmumpf legal team have any more moves to make, or should they accept the will of the people?
a) they can ask Congress not to accept the Electors sent to them by the states and choose to accept the Electoral College votes of random Reduhblican supporters
b) (53) there are always lawsuits... (54)
c) the will of the - of the people? Oh, man, you really are so adorable! Never grow up!
16) Sydney Wambampowellman, who is to the legal profession what a sledge hammer is to a delicate negotiating tool, has argued that President McDruhitmumpf should engage a special counsel to confiscate the voting machines in The Big Swinging Four and have the ballots recounted in his favour. Why is this unlikely to happen?
a) the President does not have the power to appoint a special counsel
b) special counsels don't have the power to confiscate voting machines (55)
c) President McDruhitmumpf is too busy pardoning his allies (to keep them from talking to law enforcement officials) to pay any attention to Sydney Wambampowellman, even when they meet in his office
17) Foxindehenhaus News and NewsMux have begun issuing "clarifications" to stories that claimed that voting machines flipped McDruhitmumpf votes to Bidenhisbeeswax. If these clarifications appear to actually be complete repudiations, that's probably only because you're paying attention. Why would the media companies do this?
a) (56) they looked at the evidence and decided - ha ha - decided that there was no basis in reali - hee hee ha ha - no basis in - hee hee ha ha ho ho - sorry, I can't say this with a straight face - go on to the next answer and try back again in ten minutes - no, make that a half hour. With any luck, I'll be ready to answer then...
b) TV Guide threatened to change their designation from News Networks to Science Fiction networks
c) the threat of a defamation lawsuit really focuses the mind (57)
18) How have President McDruhitmumpf's endless assertions of massive election fraud, and the onslaught of lawsuits that have followed in their wake, benefited election workers?
a) they have been given a lot of free rope (they just have to untie the nooses that it came in) (58)
b) the death threats have caused them to give more thought to how miraculous it is just being alive
c) they will have a lot more time to spend with their families when they quit their positions as election workers
19) Senior administrators in the Vesampuccerian security establishment have publicly stated that the 2020 election was free and fair, that there were no voting irregularities, let alone widespread voter fraud. But what do they know? They're just a bunch of Dumbopratic hacks - even the ones President McDruhitmumpf appointed. Especially the ones President McDruhitmumpf appointed! (Remember when he said he would only appoint only the best people? Yeah, neither does he.) Now, Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor has also stated that there was no widespread voter fraud. I know, right! Attorney General Katiebarrthudor! The man who said he would eat molten lava for the President (and who did - apparently it tastes really good with guacamole and a sprig of self-abnegation)! What is the President's only realistic response to this?
a) congratulate Attorney General Katiebarrthudor on his successful spine transplant and demand his resignation (59)
b) congratulate Attorney General Katiebarrthudor on the occasion of his Bar Mitzvah and demand his resignation
c) why waste breath on a traitor like Attorney General Katiebarrthudor? Demand his resignation!
20) Soooo...62 court cases, (60) losses. How does President McDruhitmumpf justify this streak?
a) if at first you don't succeed, die, die, die again
b) remember the first time I was campaigning and I told you you would get sick of all the winning? Good times, right? Well, after four years, I figure you are sick of winning, so I thought I would mix it up a bit, you know, give you a big fat...not winning streak. It's what makes the winning that much sweeter. Yeah. Sweeter...
c) I'm so glad my father isn't alive to see this! (61)
