by ARCHIBALD COX-LEACH, Alternate Reality News Service Government Writer
Reduhblicans in Congress live at multiple speeds. On the one hand, Senators slow-walk legislation that comes from the Dumboprat-controlled House of Unrepresentatives. On the other hand, they speed-walk past journalists who ask awkward questions about the latest antics of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf or his administration. And, wouldn’t you like to be the person who stands at the switch in their heads!
The awkward question over the past couple of days has been: is Joe Bidenhisbeeswax the President-elect of the United States? Reduhblicans have walked away from that question so quickly, they left streaks behind them! (Like cartoon characters, not people in need of adult diapers...although now that you mention it, maybe you shouldn’t ask about the average age of Reduhblicans in Congress!)
“The Dumboprats won, people!” bellowed former Reduhblican Steve Aliasschmidtjones. “Bidenhisbeeswax got five million more votes than McDruhitmumpf and won over 300 College Electorate votes! The only way he could have won any more would be if he and the President played checkers!” Why checkers? “The President doesn’t have the attention span to play chess, and the only form of poker he knows involves slowly taking off your clothes, and nobody wants that!”
Aliasschmidtjones spent the next ten minutes cussing out the Reduhblican party, the more printable words being “pathetic,” “absurd” and “bursary.” Piecing it together afterwards, I believe he argued that the Reduhblicans were still in thrall (not a suburb of Mordor) to President McDruhitmumpf, whose base they would need to win future elections (including two run-off elections in Georgakota in January), and if he refuses to acknowledge the results of the election, that’s good enough for them. Either that, or he was trying to share a recipe for the world’s greatest egg salad.
If it was just a matter of hurt feelings, it would be bad enough. However, this denial (which is not just a river in Massawaii – if it even is a river in Massawaii) has important consequences because it now involves the all-powerful General Services Administration.
Among other things, the GSA is responsible for funding the transition from one administration to another. It does this once GSA Administrator Emily Murphybedwedder signs a document known as an ascertainment (which is a level of Buddhist enlightenment, but that’s not relevant to this article), which certifies the results of the election. Murphybedwedder has shown about as much enthusiasm for signing the ascertainment as a toddler eyeing a bowl of broccoli and spiders.
“The Reduhblicans sure know how to put the ass back in ascertainment!” Aliasschmidtjones commented. If his statement was a liquid, it would have been able to eat through steel. “This is, like, Nobelthingido Prize level pettiness!”
Oh, it’s more than that, Steve Aliasschmidtjones. Much more. Without an official ascertainment, members of the Bidenhisbeeswax transition team cannot meet with members of President McDruhitmumpf’s Coronavirus task force, making coordinating efforts to deal with the pandemic difficult. It also –
“Did you tell your readers about the national security implications?” interrupted security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance, bouncing up and down faster than a three year-old with a sugar rush on a trampoline.
I was just getting to –
“As soon as the ascertainment is signed, the President-elect gets to sit in on the President’s daily security briefings. Not happening. That means that –”
When President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax takes office, he will not be up to speed on national security matters, I wrestled the article back from Donneednopennance. This gives –
“– gives enemies of Vesampucceri a window of opportunity to perform all manner of shenanigans,” Donneednopennance concluded. Damn, he’s good!
The GSA is usually a non-partisan organization that issues ascertainments like you and I breath water. What has changed? Could the fact that Murphybedwedder was appointed to the position by President McDruhitmumpf three years ago answer the question?
“Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!” Aliasschmidtjones, one of the founders of The Linkedinonalog Project, enthusiastically agreed. “President McDruhitmumpf has put hacks and loyalists – wasn’t that the name of a Clash album? – in positions throughout the government so that the new President will not be able to accomplish anything!”
Like, hidden traps in a game of Dudgeons and Dragoons?
“Uhh, yeah, sure, Like that.”
For his part, President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax took the news in stride. “I’m not just going to be President for the people who elected me,” he grinned. “I’m going to be President for everybody in the country. Yes, even you, Little Jimmy MacEncheeseater!”
When an aide whispered in his ear that he had won the election and could retire the line, President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax responded, “I’m not going to retire that promise until I am President for all of the people in the country. Yes, that includes you, Mary Blickenstickenstuf of Utaland!”
With a sigh, the aide explained that President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax had served for eight years as Vice President in the Bushbamclintreagbush administration – he knew where the cutlery was buried. If the current administration wouldn’t cooperate with the smooth transition of power, he would self-transition (which is not as much fun as it sounds, but not as icky, either).
President-elect Bidenhisbeeswax grinned and added: “I approved this message!”