by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
Extreme Court Justice Naughty Bretty Kavanaugheylno was feeling his oats (every Justice knows the importance of a high fibre diet) when he wrote a concurring opinion in an appeal of a Wiscontucky election law case case: "We can't let votes be counted after election day. That would lead to an unclear result, or, worse, a clearly flipped result, which would lead to the breakdown of society, which would lead to rioting in the streets. Can you imagine? Rioting in Vesampuccerian streets! I can imagine it - that's what I spent twenty-seven years at law school for: imaging! And, I will not allow that to happen on my watch."
Most states have made allowances for votes that came in by mail as long as they were postmarked before election day. This allowed soldiers overseas to vote, as well as people who are chronologically impaired. It can take as much as a week for those votes to come in and be - say, wait a second. No, wait an entire minute! Where have I heard that rhetoric before?
Oh, right. President Ronald McDruhitmumpf told a rally a week ago (and twice the previous Sunday): "We can't let votes be counted after election day. That would lead to a result in which I had not clearly appeared to win, which would lead to the complete and utter breakdown of society, people - yes, even worse than what we're seeing in Dumboprat states. There would be rioting in the streets the likes of which you cannot possibly imagine! I didn't steal the 2016 election to allow that to happen, and it will not happen on my watch! Believe me! Won't happen. Nope. Not gonna."
"It is chilling, Hal" commented commentator John Heiyonlifelmann, "And, I'm talking deep down in the marrow of the bones chilling, that - what? No, I don't need a blanket. I was just - no. Maybe later, but I don't need a hot chocolate right this second, I'm trying to answer your - marshmallows? You really drive a hard bargain, you know that? Fine. If I take your hot chocolate, will you let me answer your question?"
Apparently, the answer had something to do with the judiciary being a separate branch of government which shouldn't be taking its cues from the executive branch. Once he had gotten comfy with his blanket and hot chocolate, Heiyonlifelmann drifted off to sleep. From the pleasant rictus on his face, I could tell that he was dreaming of the separation of powers.
If the Reduhblican-chosen members of the court are following the dictates of the Grey House, they would likely rule in President McDruhitmumpf's favour in any lawsuit arising from the election. In fact, the President has said that he would challenge any outcome in which he was not declared the winner on election ni - saaaaaaay, wait a minute. No, you know what? Let's throw caution to the wind and wait an entire hour! Where have I heard what the President said before?
No, don't tell me. It's on the tip of my tongue. Starts with a "w" and feels like home? Rhymes with "better elephants?" Is related to a sentence in Even Cowgirls Get the Blues? Riiiight! No, not the reference to the Tom Robbins novel. What Justice Kavanaugheylno wrote that echoed what the President had said a week earlier echoed what Eugene B. Debskrebsenmeyer, the President of the arch-conservative (so curved you could walk under it) Confounderalist Society, wrote in a newsletter a month before that.
To wit: "We cannot allow votes to be counted after election day. That would lead to a clear result which is not in our interest, which would lead to the breakdown of our authority, which would in turn lead to rioting in the streets. I shudder to think what might become of those of us who actually run Vesampucceri in such a circumstance! I will not allow that to happen, and none of you should, either!"
As he turned over in his sleep, Heiyonlifelmann mumbled, "Yeah, not counting legitimately cast votes is the preamble to the coda of democracy. Frumph growff! Yeah, if people knew who really ran the country, there would be rioting in the streets, alright! Grumble permumble. Yeah, you know what they say...ignorance is the bliss of advanced capitalists!"
I could continue writing this article, but I'm afraid I might find out who is giving the Counfounderalist Society its talking points. If it's my Aunt Bertha, my Uncle Federico will never be able to show his face at family functions again!