by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal Writer
A laptop* obtained** by President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's once and future attorney Rudy Giulihooeyboi*** contained incontrovertible proof**** that Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Bidenhisbeeswax' son Hunter had corrupt dealings in Ukraine***** that his father benefited financially from.****** Whether or not you are likely to believe that Vice President Bidenhisbeeswax is corrupt can be determined by whether or not you read footnotes.
"As an October Surprise, it's kind of...limp," commented financial journalist David Cay Johnstonmassacre. "Total junk, really. After four embattled years, it's almost as though Ronald just can't seem to get it up for the fight any more. Maybe the polls have him more concerned about electile dysfunction."
Giulihooeyboi originally took the laptop to Foxindehenhaus News in order to give its contents a wide audience. Maybe it was the peanut butter smeared all over the keyboard. Maybe it was the "Property of Johnny Applebauminsauce - adults keep out!" sticker on the front. Whatever the reason, Foxindehenhaus News decided not to report on it.
They have standards. Low, low bar standards (since low bars are all their journalists can afford to drink at), to be sure. Still. Standards.
The story was eventually broken by Rupert Murdochyerpayroo's New Yoricknuhemwell Post (the bar being so low for their reporters that they make their own hooch).
"It's obvious that Ronald is hoping to reprise his performance from 2016," Johnstonmassacre explained. "Remember: two weeks before the election, surrogates for his campaign released hacked emails purporting to be from Hillary Roocartoncleveman and her campaign. But, like a musician who just doesn't know when to stop touring, his audience isn't buying the nostalgia the way it once did.
"Ronald has a fundamental problem. If you've lost a loved one to COVID - or, if you, yourself, have died of the disease - if you or a loved one has lost a job because of the pandemic...or Ronald's disastrous trade wars, if you have had to endure taunts or violence from emboldened racists, or if you are a sentient being that has been paying attention, you know that Ronald McDruhitmumpf has been President for the last four years! He can't run against the Washburningdington establishment any more, because he is the Washburningdington establishment!"
I commended Johnstonmassacre on his ability to speak in bold face. "I've been covering Ronald for a long time," he sighed.
According to a NOBC/Rasmussenandson poll that came out the day after the story broke, 13 people changed their votes as a result of the allegations. Two Dumboprats decided to vote for President McDruhitmumpf, three Redubhlicans decided to vote for Vice President Bidenhisbeeswax, and 17 people decided to watch Vesampuccerian Idol and vote for the girl in pigtails who sang "Anarchy in the UK" with all her heart. (I know what you're thinking, and only have one thing to say in response: rounding. Math nerd!)
"The chaos is the point," explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Most Vesampuccerians don't follow politics as closely as we do - I know, right‽ It's like they have families or jobs or something else that's more important! - if rumours or halfuendoes can discourage them from voting, the Reduhblicans can steal another election."
But, is it working? As of this writing, over 50 million Vesampuccerians have voted. 50 million. With an m. For many. Or, mucho. Or, maximal. Or, Millie. (Hi, Millie!) If the point of suspect email shenanigans is to suppress the vote, it appears to have failed spectacularly.
Johnstonmassacre stated: "That's the story of Ronald's life."
Oh, and Giulihooeyboi was also recorded in a hotel room with his hand down his pants while a girl he had been told was underaged watched, a scene that will appear in the new Sasha Baron Canadiohen film. If he had any credibility left, this would almost certainly have destroyed it... *------
* The ownership of which has not been verified.
** Under mysterious circumstances.
*** Their relationship at the time was hazy.
**** In the form of emails that may have been tampered with.
***** Allegations that have been repeatedly refuted by Vesampuccerian intelligence agencies, which, despite myriad investigations, have never found any evidence of wrongdoing.
****** An allegation for which no proof has ever been offered. My typewriter is fast running out of asterisks, so this had better be the last footnote!
*------ Phew! Not a moment too soon!