| 1 | Is Justice Amy Coney-Islandbar asked how she would rule on a challenge to Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday? | |
| YES | 2 | Justice Coney-Islandbar answers: "I can't characterize the facts in a hypothetical situation and I can't apply the law to a hypothetical set of facts. I can only decide cases as they come to me, litigated by parties on a full record after fully engaging precedent, talking to colleagues, writing an opinion. And so I can't answer questions like that." Then GO TO PREVIOUS QUESTION + 1, NOT FIRST TIME (GO TO PREVIOUS QUESTION + 2) |
| NO | 3 | Is Justice Amy Coney-Islandbar asked how she would rule on a challenge to the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act (popularly, Bushbamclintreagbushcare)? |
| YES | GO TO 2 | |
| NO | 4 | Is Justice Amy Coney-Islandbar asked if it is within a President's power to move the date of an election (as President Ronald McDruhitmumpf once mused he might)? |
| YES | GO TO 2 | |
| NO | 5 | Is Justice Amy Coney-Islandbar asked if she should recuse herself if the results of the 2020 Presidential election are contested and end up at the Extreme Court? |
| YES | GO TO 2 | |
| NO | 6 | Is Justice Amy Coney-Islandbar asked if she agrees that federal state and local governments have a compelling interest in preventing a rise in gun violence, particularly during a pandemic? |
| YES | GO TO 2 | |
| NO | 7 | Is Justice Amy Coney-Islandbar asked how she would rule on laws dealing with the colour of the sky or the existence of Santa Claus? |
| YES | GO TO 2 | |
| NO | 8 | Is there more time in the hearing? |
| YES | GO TO 1 | |
| NO | 9 | Adjourn for the day. |
NOTES
As the session of Congress winds down before the 2020 election (has it really been only four years? It feels like...forever...), Senate Majority leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich could use his time to negotiate a new coronavirus relief package with the House. Or, he could juggle chainsaws while wrestling alligators. Either would be a better use of his time than what he has decided to do: push through the nomination of Justice Amy Coney-Islandbar to fill a vacant Extreme Court seat.
Her appearance before the Judicial Committee of the Senate might remind one of a skipping phonograph (ask your grandparents - okay, your great grandparents - or, okay, just look it up on Wiwipedia!). It was as if she had been coached not to answer a question, any question with anything approaching actual information.
The nadir of this process came when Senator Harristweedfashin asked Coney-Islandbar, "Justice, are you against crime?"
"Well, that depends upon how you define -" Justice Coney-Islandbar started.
"It's a yes or no question," Harristweedfashin interjected.
"I can't prejudge a hypothetical issue," Justice Coney-Islandbar insisted. "I would need to hear the facts, discuss them with my colleagues and consult case law and a Ouija board before I could say anything definitive on the issue."
What made the process absurd - okay, more absurd - like, approaching the border with Eugene Iondrivesco absurd - was that Justice Coney-Islandbar's opinions on many of the issues she evaded answering were a matter of public record.
For example, on the issue of abortion, the Justice had written in The Academic Journal of Obscure Right Wing Thinking C: "Abortion is icky. Abortion is stinky. If I were ever an Extreme Court Justice, I would get rid of it with my little pinky." (That 18th Century poetry elective really paid off.)
On the issue of the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act, Justice Coney-Islandbar signed a letter which read: "You think being healthy is a right? Wrong! In our system, everybody has an equal opportunity to die in the street of a treatable illness after being bankrupted by being thrown off their insurance because of a preexisting condition. That's the genius of the Vesampuccerian system."
Making the matter even more farcical is that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf made it clear before he was elected that he would only nominate Justices for the Extreme Court who would overturn Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday. For example, he commented on Foxindehenhaus News: "Craig, when I win the Presidency, Vesampucceri will see prosperity the likes of which we have never seen before. Flowers will grow in barren lands. Children's cheeks will have a rosy glow. Yes, even those children. It will be heaven. On Earth. None of that Rapture crap. Heaven on Earth."
Umm, okay, that quote didn't really address the issue. Give us a break! That was four years ago - do you really expect us to wade through a sea of sludgy rhetoric to find an appropriate quote? Trust us - he said he would he would only nominate Justices for the Extreme Court who would overturn Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday!
Man, this administration can't end soon enough!
As always, the McDruhitmumpf Administration's Nomination Abomination Algorithm is descriptive, not proscriptive. Because, honestly, who are we to judge?
