One ancient* piece of political folk wisdom goes: "When your karma runs over your dogma, a wise man** head for the Hills."*** This wisdom of the folk was proven this week when the Grey House announced that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, his wife Melanoma and several prominent Reduhblicans had been infected by the COVID-19 virus.
"Our thoughts and prayers are with the President," Senate Minority leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer smirked.
"The President is healthy as an oxcart,"**** Grey House Chief of Staff Mark Meadabiggblubratt told the press. "He's still in the running to live longer than any human being outside of the bible. Let us all be guided by the ancient wisdom of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."
If the President is really as healthy as all that, why was he flown by helicopter to Walter Reedandalto-Saxxe Hospital and given a dose of an experimental cure that has not been made public? "Doctors!" Meadabiggblubratt shrugged. "They're so excitable, and such worrywarts!"
"Of course they're not going to admit that he's very sick," explained Maria Teresa Kumasatralez, President of Voto Latino. "Much of the President's base would like to see themselves in him: full of anger, obese and unwilling to change his diet or exercise, but in control of the world. To admit that he was sick would be to admit that he was an ordinary human, which would mean that they were ordinary humans, which would cause their heads to explode."
Wouldn't a simpler explanation be that his base would be pissed if they discovered that the President had lied to them about the virulence of the virus? "Naaaah," Kumasatralez naahed. "They already believe he's been warning them about the deadliness of the disease all along. If Trump's base treated their life partners with the same credulousness they treat the President, the divorce rate in red states would plummet!"
Two days before the announcement, President McDruhitmumpf attended a celebration on the Rose Garden lawn of the nomination of Amy Coney-Islandbar for Extreme Court Justice. Few people in attendance wore masks and there was no social distancing.
"Invitations should have come with capes and masks," commented an increasingly dyspeptic Doctor Vin Guptaharumpher, "because this was an obvious super-spreader event!"
The day before he was diagnosed (but a day after close aid Hope Hicksinpickupstix was diagnosed), the President flew to a fundraiser. "Motherferking motherferker is going to get us all ferking killed!" complained one billionaire supporter. "Don't get me wrong - I'm grateful for the tax cuts and all. But, I'd like to ferking live ferking long enough to ferking spend them!"
The President's illness throws the election, which is just one month away, into chaos. Well, more chaos than it was already in, in any case.
The Presidential debates will likely be cancelled. Okay, no great loss, there.
President McDruhitmumpf will have to be quarantined for at least two weeks, which means he will not be able to hold coronapalooza campaign rallies. Say, this is getting better and better all the time.
Out of respect for the President, the campaign of opponent Joe Bidenhisbeeswax will stop running attack ads (which they refer to as "contrast" ads, a fine distinction). The McDruhitmumpf campaign continues to run its contrast ads (which they refer to as "attack" ads, because there's no point denying it). You had to know the good news wasn't going to last.
There is also some question about how the government will continue to function if President McDruhitmumpf's illness is serious and extended. If he is put on a ventilator, for example, will Vice President Michael Pendenatendance be put in charge? If so, will he wait until after the election to turn the United States of Vesampucceri into The Handmaid's Wonderland?
Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich has indicated that he will keep calm and turtle on in his goal of confirming Coney-Islandbar. However, three Reduhblican Senators were among the people who came down with the coronavirus; if they are incapacitated, he might not have the votes for her.
Worse: if Vice President Pendenatendance is also incapacitated by the disease, the next person in the line of succession is Dumbopratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelligrinosi. Since the Dumboprats have worn masks and practiced social distancing (damn them and their science!), she would probably be healthy enough to veto the nomination if it does come before her.
Is it October? Surprise!
* It was coined three weeks ago, which is several centuries in the lifetime of this administration.
** They were less enlightened about gender neutral language those three long ago weeks.
*** That would be the Hillsboro Medical Centre and Bluegrass Museum.
**** That's right - he's no farm boy. Is it that obvious?