TRANSCRIPT OF AN INTERVIEW WITH TED, THE NOVEL CORONAVIRUS. THE INTERVIEW WAS CONDUCTED BY LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE MEDICAL WRITER.
LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN: Is that thing...safe?
COVID-19 VIRUS: I can hear you, you know.
TECHNICIAN: It's in a sealed test tube. You want guarantees?
NEIDERGAARDEN: This is more than six feet, right?
VIRUS: I can still hear you.
TECHNICIAN: It crosses that space when somebody talks or sneezes. From a running start, I would guess it might make it three inches.
NEIDERGAARDEN: If you're sure...
VIRUS: Can we speed this up? I have places to be, things to do.
Pause.
NEIDERGAARDEN: That...that was not at all reassuring.
VIRUS: Not you, necessarily.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Not helping.
VIRUS: It's just, this test tube is cold and uninviting. I prefer a warm environment to -
NEIDERGAARDEN: Whoaoooookay, why don't we get this interview started. I'm talking to a novel coronavirus -
VIRUS: Call me Ted.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Why should I call you Ted?
VIRUS: Theodore is too formal. It makes me sound like a librarian.
NEIDERGAARDEN: No, I mean, why should I call you by a name?
VIRUS: There's so many of us in the world. Names help to tell us apart.
Pause.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Umm...okay. Ted. What's it like, being a deadly killer?
VIRUS: It's just a job. Travel. Reproduce. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. To be honest, it's not very exciting. But it is what I was born to do, so I do it to the best of my ability.
SOUND: plink.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Reduhblicans say you don't exist.
VIRUS: What? They think all of those people in your country are dying of happiness?
SOUND: plink.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Honestly, it's hard to know what they think. Dumboprats disagree with the Reduhblicans, of course. They argue that -
VIRUS: Don't care.
SOUND: plink.
NEIDERGAARDEN: I'm sorry.
VIRUS: Reduhblican. Dumboprat - it's all the same to me. You're all just...vacation destinations.
SOUND: plink plink.
NEIDERGAARDEN: I'm trying to get your perspective on the politics of the pandemic.
VIRUS: Look, pal, I'm sure the politics of the pandemic is important to you people. Me, I'm a simple soul. Travel. Reproduce. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.
SOUND: plink plink plink.
NEIDERGAARDEN: But the whole point of - what is that sound?
VIRUS: What sound?
SOUND: plink plink plink.
VIRUS: I don't hear anything.
SOUND: plink plink plink.
NEIDERGAARDEN: It's a plinking sound, like...like something small is trying to break through gla - are you...are you trying to get out of the test tube?
VIRUS: N-no. Why would you think -
SOUND: plink plink plink plink plink!
NEIDERGAARDEN: (shouting) You are! You are trying to get out!
VIRUS: Hey! I gotta do me!
SOUND: plink plink plinkety plink plink!
NEIDERGAARDEN: Stop it! Stop it right now, or I'll have the test tube scrubbed with industrial strength cleaner!
VIRUS: (under its breath) You're no fun.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Over 200,000 Vesampuccerians have died of COVID-19! That's not fun!
VIRUS: Hey! I'm just fulfilling my life's goal. Can I help it if my business is my pleasure?
Pause.
NEIDERGAARDEN: The first serious outbreaks of the disease -
VIRUS: Disease is such a prejudicial term.
NEIDERGAARDEN: The first serious outbreaks of the disease took place in New Yoricknuhemwell and Los Angeles, major coastal cities that tend to be more liberal. President McDruhitmumpf calculated that he could ignore the outbreaks because they didn't affect large pockets of his voters in the middle of the coun -
VIRUS: Oh, yawn.
NEIDERGAARDEN: I beg your pardon?
VIRUS: Look. We've already established that I don't care about your politics. I just like to travel. See the world. See exotic new places. By now, my siblings and I are everywhere. How cool is that?
NEIDERGAARDEN: When you say ‘see exotic new places,' you're talking about people, right?
VIRUS: Ah. Finally, somebody gets me!
NEIDERGAARDEN: These exotic new places you're talking about have hopes and dreams, parents and siblings and...and...and maybe children. When they die because you have visited them, they leave a big hole in the world.
VIRUS: You're talking about the whole...human dimension of the disease, right?
NEIDERGAARDEN: Exactly.
VIRUS: Sorry, but that's above my pay grade.
Pause.
NEIDERGAARDEN: President McDruhitmumpf recently came down with -
VIRUS: Who?
NEIDERGAARDEN: The President. Of the United States of Vesampucceri. President McDruhitmumpf.
VIRUS: That's a funny name, isn't it?
NEIDERGAARDEN: What, McDruhitmumpf?
VIRUS: No, President.
NEIDERGAARDEN: That's not a name. It's his title.
VIRUS: Oh. Important person, is he?
NEIDERGAARDEN: The leader of the country.
VIRUS: Don't care. Human hierarchies are not listed on my travel brochures.
NEIDERGAARDEN: (dark) I'm beginning to sense a theme, here...
Pause.
NEIDERGAARDEN: So. To sum up. You are a merciless killer.
VIRUS: Mercy. Malice. Compassion. Rage. These are all just words to me - I don't have emotions as human beings understand them. I just have a life's mission: travel. Reproduce. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.
NEIDERGAARDEN: I understand that. I was just -
SOUND: plink.
NEIDERGAARDEN: I'm outta here!