| 1 | Has Ronald McDruhitmumpf clearly won the popular vote? What? It could happen. Stranger things have. Not in a century or two, but they have! | |
| YES | 2 | Ronald McDruhitmumpf gets four more years in office. |
| NO | 3 | Has Ronald McDruhitmumpf clearly lost the popular vote but won the Electoral College? What? It could happen. Stranger things have. And, this time, only four years ago! |
| YES | GO TO 2 | |
| NO | 4 | Has Ronald McDruhitmumpf lost by a small margin? |
| YES | 5 | Sue to have mail-in ballots invalidated in enough swing states to give Ronald McDruhitmumpf a victory by a small margin. (Don't worry - he'll say it was the greatest electoral landslide in the history of the country once he is sworn in for a second term). Then, GO TO 2 |
| NO | 6 | Have the legislatures in Republican-dominated swing states claim that the chaos of the election makes it impossible to know what the will of the people is. However, counter-intuitively, the state legislatures do know what the will of the people is, so they can choose the delegates to the Electoral College. |
| 7 | Would you be surprised to learn that they pick enough Republican delegates to swing the election to Ronald McDruhitmumpf? | |
| YES | 8 | You need to get out more. |
| NO | 9 | Is the decision of the Republican-dominated swing states challenged in court? |
| NO | GO TO 2 | |
| YES | 10 | Fight the result of the election all the way up to the Extreme Court. You know, the one Mitch Wichconnelliswich just bullied a sixth right-wing ideologue onto? Did you think he pushed that nomination through as a favour to a friend? Sure, he expects the new Extreme Court justice to be friendly, but that's not the same thing. |
| 11 | Are there protests in the streets against this manipulation? | |
| NO | GO TO 2 | |
| 12 | Are the protests violent? | |
| NO | Oh, well - you can't have everything. GO TO 2 | |
| YES | Oooh - let's get more cops and national guardsmen and people in unidentifiable uniforms on the streets and bust some heads! This is going to be fun! Do I even have to say it? Okay: GO TO 2. And, may Gord have mercy on Vesampucceri's soul. |
Notes
They say that all roads lead to Rome. Have you ever noticed that they don't say which Rome all roads lead to? Is it the Rome of Julius Caesar or the Rome of Caligula?
Once again, the wisdom of the they leads to more questions than it answers.
In this case, all roads lead to a second term for President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. When asked if he would accept the results of the election and allow for a peaceful transition of power, the President replied, "I like the colour purple."
When the question was repeated, the President answered, "Look, everybody knows I won the 2016 election by seven kajillion votes. You know it. You're shaking your head in agreement. This time, we're gonna make sure the election is fair so that everybody knows I won by nine kajillion votes, okay?"
Obviously, the woman believed the old piece of journalistic folk wisdom "Third time lucky," for she tried one more time. "You're a nasty woman, you know that? Nasty, nasty, nasty. Do you kiss your cat with that mouth? Look, I'm fully committed to a peaceful transition of power. As long as I win. Which would make it more of a continuation than a transition. You people are good with words - some of you - the rest must have terrific editors - you know how it works. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some governors to talk to about how they're gonna apportion their Electoral College votes!"
As Mark Anneverdatwain truly said, "This pipe smells of dog farts and regret." He was quite the orator, Mark Anneverdatwain was. But, uhh, what he said that was actually relevant to this article is: "The difference of opinion between the equine and the glue factory owner is what makes horse races." Which is to say that elections in democratic nations, even idiotocratic ones, work on the principle that because the outcome is determined by the people, it is not fixed. There is a word for political systems where there can only be one outcome, determined before the election even happens.
Dicta - hoo ha.
Dict - * PUFF PUFF PANT * - I can't -
"Autocracies," said Dumbopratic Representative Adam Howetuschiffdablame.
Not the word I was reaching for, but you get the idea.
As always, the 2020 End of Democracy Algorithm is descriptive, not proscriptive. Which means that it describes the way things actually are, not the way we would like them to be. Oh, how we would like them to be. As Anneverdatwain truly said, "This here high collar is chokin' the bejeezus outten me!"