by MAJUMDER SAKRASHUMINDERATHER, Alternate Reality News Service Education Writer
In September, post-secondary students return to the three bs: beer, babes and...more beer. The three bs and an m. Young people know not to mess with a good thing. Frats around the country host parties with exotic themes like Roman Senate Dagger Bash, Subatomic Particle Summit and Stanky Bearhug. Five minutes in, the themes are abandoned as sweaty bodies (it was a choice between air conditioning and another keg, which is really no choice at all for anybody under the age of 25) are crushed together in frat houses, shouting to be misheard above the blare of music that nobody but the DJ likes.
COVID-19 changed all that.
This year, there are rules about on-campus behaviour. Wear a mask. Social distance. Don't get sick and die. Schools are cracking down on unsafe behaviours in order to allow students to safely return to class.
As if rules matter to young people under the influence of alcohol and hormones. Alcomones.
"Amma gimme sec'nd," said Rutgersandhauer University student Darrell Schiavellitron, who proceeded to throw up behind Omega Omega Omega House. Wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his judge's robe, he sighed, "That's always the most melancholy thing I do first week back. Now, what was the question?"
Aren't you afraid of getting COVID-19?
"Been there, done that," Schiavellitron answered. "And, it didn't matter - I'm as healthy as a...as a...umm, excuse me, second wave c...c...cooooooming uuuuuuuu..." He doubled over and let more fluids fly.
Colleges which had prepared for outbreaks of the disease found that they were not at all prepared for outbreaks of the disease. Washburningdington State University, for example, had designated some buildings to be COVID quarantine quarters in the expectation that they would have 400 cases of infection over the semester. The institution had 400 cases of infection in the first three days.
"Yes, my pretties," cackled Education Secretary DeVolution-Ross. "Fly to your doom! You do not deserve education, with your scholarships and affirmative action! Fly to your doom, and let more deserving students take your place!"
I...I'm sure the green pallor of her skin was a trick of the lighting.
When he had fully recovered (I'd hate to see the cleaning bills he would be getting for that robe; unlike Justice Brett Kavanaugheylno, he couldn't expense it to the Extreme Court!), Schiavellitron explained that everybody at the party had the coronavirus, so that was okay, then. And, anyway, young people were at more of a threat of dying of broken hearts than the virus, so why was everybody getting so pissy about - ooh, speaking of which, if you want to ask me anything else, I'll be behind that bush...
Everybody's...concern about the partying may have something to do with the fact that across the street from the campus is the General Pershingandshoving Veterans Home. As students started returning to school, the number of veterans who came down with the virus skyrocketed. At least 20 have di - 22, at least 22 veterans have - 25 - okay, I'm cutting it off there. At least 25 veterans have died since the beginning of the school year.
Why the (you should pardon the expression) rush to get students back to school? Why do you think?
"Go back to school," admonished President McDruhitmumpf. "Go to school. Go back to school. Very important. For you as well as me. Go. Go. Go. School. School. School. Back. Back. Back. You know, some of the happiest seconds of my life were spent at college. The limping to pretend I was suffering from bone spurs. The handing over of my tests to somebody my father trusted to do well on them. The girls. Ooooh, the girls! I...I sometimes go back to the old campus to relive those days. Go back to school so you can make memories you'll want to relive in your old age!"
If they survive the virus to reach old age?
"Ooooh, nasty. You're nasty! What a nasty thing to say. You talk to your mother with those nasty lips? Nasty is as nasty does, you know. Nasty! Nasty! Nasty!"
He went on like that for another 30 minutes. Most of the journalists in the room got the message after about 24.
Meanwhile, Schiavellitron wanted me to know that he and the other people at the frat party were being responsible about the virus. "When we go to Minnie's Maxi-bar downtown tomorrow to watch the big games, we'll be taking masks with us. And, some of us might actually wear them!"
What have we been teaching the children?