by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
At 102 (a bad number for a temperature, a pretty good number for an age), Staph Sergeant Marco Guineverici is one of the last liviing Vesampuccerian's who fought in World War I. Guineverici -
"Eh? What's that?" Guineverici shouted. "What'd ya say?"
Guineverici fought valiantly at the Battle of Pork Rind Gullet, which earned him a Purple Prose for bravery under fire. This -
"I can't hear you!" Guineverici screamed. "You gotta speak louder! Really put some lung power into it!"
This week, it was reported that on a state visit to a French cemetery to honour Vesampucceri's casualties of WWI, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf wondered "Why should I go to that cemetery? It's full of losers." As if to drive the point home, he added that the almost 2,000 Marines who died in the Battle of Bellowscreechmartre Wood were "suckers."
"He said what‽" Guineverici shrieked. "That son of a polymath Hun licker! He isn't fit to shine Private Garibaldo's boots! Or Lieutenant-ColonelThree -Eyed Monte's khakis! Or...or...or any part of Langrahans' privates! Anybody who could say something like that is not fit to be this country's Commander-in-Briefs!"
"Oh, sure - that he heard!" groused President McDruhitmumpf.
The Grey House immediately denied the claims that the President said what he said. Press Secretary-Poppet Kayleigh McEnanity stated, "The President has the utmost respect and admiration and...and...and sheer likingness for our troops. He would never have said those nasty, nasty things you people keep writing that you've verified he said!"
As if to prove the poin, PS-P McEnanity tossed her hair back in what she hoped was a debate-ending move.
"So...silky...smooth," security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance droned, hypnotized. Then, shaking his head, he apoplectically continued: "No! That's not - utmost respect my patootie! This President mocked Senator John McMacPaddycain. Anybody with half a brain will clearly remember what he said: 'War heroes don't get captured, okay? Have you never seen Rambo: Seventh or Eighth Blood (It's Hard To Keep Track When You've Lost So Much)?' He mocked the family of a Gold Star veteran. He's called his generals so many dirty names, you could fill a dictionary with them all!* Calling war vets 'loser' and 'suckers' is totally on brand for him!"
"There's one in every crowd," PS-P McEnanity pouted. Journalists who had long thought their hearts were made of stone found that they were melting. Or it could have been heartburn - those three beer lunches can be brutal on your digestive system! Either way, they didn't challenge her assertion as they reached for an antacid.
The President himself tweeped: "I love all of our fine men in the military. Except the ones who get captured, maimed or dye. Cuz this world was made for winners!!!! #crybabylosersdontgetmyrespect"
So, a mixed message, then.
"Ronald McDruhitmumpf is a very transactional human being," explained Pulippitzaner Prize-winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "That doesn't mean he has sex with people who believe they were born in the bodies of the wrong gender - goodness, me, no. Although, there is still a lot we don't know about what he does in the privacy of his own Fenwickian hotel room. But, no. No, being a 'transactional human being' is just a fancy way of saying whenever he is asked to make a decision, he asks, 'What's in it for me?' Somebody who is transactional would never be able to understand military sacrifice. Or, familial sacrifice. Ritual sacrifice? Okay, maybe, but I would hate to think what he imagines that would make him..."
Interviews with officials suggest that the Grey House is panicking about the effect President McDruhitmumpf's remarks will have on his base. "Ohmygordohmygordohmygordohmygord!" 17 sources told the Alternate Reality News Service. His base is deeply in love (in a wholly Platonic sense, and I'll deck any man that says otherwise!) with the military, as you undoubtedly read between the lines of the anonymous staffers' statement.
But how seriously should they be taking this? I asked Guineverici who he voted for in 2016. "I voted in 2016?" he innocently asked. "What's a vote? What's a 2016?"
When I asked him whether the President's remarks would have any affect on who he planned on voting for in 2020, Guineverici replied: "Absolutely not! I mean, it's not like he shot a man in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue or anything!"
* Actually, Peter-Paul Gotellitonda wrote that book, Them's Fightin' Words: A Dictionary of Words and Phrases (Not All Profane) President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has Used to Describe His Generals. However, since it came out in the same week that 37 other books on the McDruhitmumpf administration came out, Donneednopennance can be forgiven for not being aware of it.