by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The question on everybody's mind is: where are the Reduhblicans?
Okay, the question that's actually on everybody's mind is: will Jully be able to maintain the heat in her relationship with Franklin on the show How To Get Away With Politics when they can only communicate through Zoom because they are social distancing? But, uhh, once they have mulled that question over for a few minutes, the question about the Reduhblicans must be on...a few people's minds, anyway.
In an interview with Laura Ingrahamfisted on Foxindehenhaus News, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf stated: "Dark forces beset us on every side, causing good men to weep helplessly. Mysterious men in black gather on a plane - not the cute men in black who protect the world from aliens - I love those movies. K and...Q and...other letters. Very funny. And, thugs and criminals. Men in black and thugs and criminals. Board the plane, I mean, not star in the movie. Never mind the romours about Tommy Lee Jonesenforrahit. And, this plane goes from city to city, and violent confrontations happen. Then, they get back on the plane, and there's no Samuel L. Jackshithappenson to shout, ‘I want all these motherferking thugs to get off my motherferking plane!'"
Ingrahamfisted, momentarily non-obsequioused, followed up with: "You, umm, but, you're speaking, you know, metaphorically, right?"
"Dark forces beset us, Laura," the President insisted. "The darkest! The forcesest!"
The question on everybody's mind is: what the hell was the President talking about?
Okay, the question that's actually on everybody's mind is: if I go dancing in a club for several hours, will I be safe from COVID-19 if I take some breath mints? What if they're extra strength? But, now that I have mentioned it, at least a few people are asking themselves, yeah, what the hell was the President talking about?
"I find myself ambivalent about trying to understand what goes on in the head of the President," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "On the one hand, I want to help your readers understand the world they live in. On the other hand, it's a dark, scary place in there, and if I understand it too well, what does that say about my psyche?"
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam explained that President McDruhitmumpf was stoking fear in his base by portraying a plane full of left-wing radicals flying around the country, leaving death and destruction in every city they stop at. Sort of like a Rolling Stones tour, but with more people of pigment and fewer drum solos. (She added that the President looked like he could murder a salad. This was clearly wrong: the President's disdain for putting anything not meat into his body is well documented. Whether this was an honest mistake or an intentional error to prove that she didn't know the President's mind as well as she appeared to we will leave to the token smart person's therapist to determine.)
While this dark vision would certainly motivate President McDruhitmumpf's base, his base is not large enough to win the upcoming election on its own, and this isn't likely to win over anybody outside of his base. How can it help the President win re-election? Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam responded by looking wistfully at a street corner on which a post box used to stand.
You might expect that Reduhblicans would come to the defence of democracy. Instead, their silence has been so monolithic that you could be forgiven for thinking that it had been manufactured by aliens and left under the surface of the moon for millions of years.
I could say that everybody is asking why, but that would just lead to a digression about what people are really asking (something about Alexandria Casio-Keebjords and chipmunks which I really do not understand), so I will take the question as given and allow token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam to answer it. "Dark magik."
Oh. Well, that explains - say what‽
Apparently, the President has used Dark Magik (singular) to keep Reduhblicans from saying anything against him. When asked about his latest pronouncements, they can only say, "I'm not familiar with that," or, "Sorry, but I'm in a hurry to get to a meeting with constituents and can't comment on that right now."
That should be a major a red flag. No politician is ever in a hurry to get to a meeting with constituents.
On those rare occasions when Reduhblican politicians try to say something against the President, they end up looking like Marcel Lepetitmarceau miming having a heart attack. Early in President McDruhitmumpf's term, Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich had a strange press conference where he spent three minutes acting like a turtle coughing up a hairball. We can now guess why.
"I know it sounds crazy," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam stated. "The alternative, though is that Reduhblicans are so happy with what President McDruhitmumpf has delivered for them, and/or fearful for their positions, that they refuse to call him out on anything he says or does, no matter how awful. But...that's a reality too horrible to contemplate. So, dark magik it is!"