Ask the Tech Answer Guy: What Colour is Your Para Shirt?

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

If I go out with my semi-automatic rifle and mow down some protesters, it's self-defence, right?

Yo, K,

If they are breaking down your front door and entering your house, maybe. Otherwise, it's murder.

The Tech Answer Guy

Well, okay, they weren't breaking down my door specifically. But, they were breaking down a door in another city. In, umm, another state. So, the principle is the same, right? If you go to a city in another state to mow down protesters with a semi-automatic rifle, it's basically self-defence, right?

Yo, K,

No. That's definitely murder.

No, no, no. It's lawn order. I mean, Nippon-Tucker Carlsonandotter. He's a respected journalist, right? I mean, he's on Foxindehenhaus News, so he's gotta know what he's talking about. And, he said: "How shocked are we that 17 year-olds with rifles decided they had to maintain order when no one else would?"

I'm not shocked. Not shocked at all.

Or, take Paul Gogogadjetsar. He's a Representative, which would make him a politician or something. You know what he said? He said: "The criminals here: Kenosha local government that allows the riots, burning and looting night after night. Armed citizens defending themselves will fill the vacuum."

So, say I, an armed citizen, like, a really, really well armed citizen, saw the chaos in Kenosha and knew I had to act to save our wimmens and chilluns from the...politically correct hordes breaking down their doors. Wink wink. If that happened, it would make me a hero, don't you think?

Yo, K,

Umm, no. We have people to save wimmens and chill - women and children. They are known as "police." People who travel across state lines looking to be a part of a violent act are not known as police. They are known as "vigilantes."

According to Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street, vigilantes were very popular in the wild west. Then, the sheriffs came in and provided lawn order. This would make vigilantes the opposite of lawn order. So, put your (hypothetical) semi-automatic weed whacker away, because that would just make you a murderer of plants as well as people.

Believe it. Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street knows things.

No, no, no, no, no. You're just not getting it. I...I was attacked. This guy with a skateboard came up to me and started whacking me with it! I mean, it's a solid piece of wood! It hurt! Then, this other guy tries to take my rifle away! Surely, in that - I mean, theoretically. If a guy with a skateboard theoretically started whaling on me with it and some other guy tried to take away my rifle, surely, that would be self-defence. Right?

Yo, K,

It depends. Had you already shot and killed one person? Theoretically?

Maaaaay...beeeee...

Yo, K,

In that case, the theoretical skateboarder and the theoretical person trying to take away your gun could actually be said to be trying to defend themselves and the community from you. Sorry. Still murder.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Representative Gogogadjetsar said it was, "100% justified self defence!" Jack Comfymurphybed is...is...is a guy. Who has a podcast. But, that's legit now, right? Social media is still media...in some circles. So, when he says, "This as close and slow as you're gonna find, I think. Skateboard guy attacks and gets shot. Guy approaching with handgun out gets shot. Self defence," that's the way it was. Right? Right right right?

Yo, K,

Sounds to me like this is more than theoretical. So, I will say this: people on TV aren't your defence lawyers. You should probably get real ones.

The Tech Answer Guy

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to: questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: Mrs. The Tech Answer Guy tells me it's really hard to get bloodstains out of brown shirts. If you want to be a member of a paramilitary organization and fashion forward, you're going to have to make a lot of hard decisions!