by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
On the first day of convention, my party gave to meYou know how it goes. You tell everybody your political nominating convention will be full of peace and love. "The other guys, their convention was so dour,” said President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. "You know what that means: it's 'downer' for people who don't have the time to say complete wors. We're not going to be like them. No, never like them. We'll be positive, positive, positive. Our convention will be so bright, you could use it to light a city for a week! (You wouldn't, because that would put too many oilmen out of work, but you could.)”
Then, when the day comes, you you get so excited that you completely forget your promise. "People. If Dumbos win the Presidency, or any seats in Congress, or any governorships, or any dogcatcher position, there will be rioting! Looting! Another Bill and Ted movie! Yeah, I know: boo. Go ahead. Let it out. Death and destruction and Keanu Reevenstevensons should be booed. Feeling better? Good. Because suburban housewives will face horrors they never imagined if a Dumbo gets elected anywhere in the country! So, please go out and vote. Thank you.”
Four of the speakers on the first day were people of pigment. To support their claim that President McDruhitmumpf was the best friend they ever had, Jacob Fakeflakenlakeblake, a person of pigment, was shot seven times in the back by a policeman of pallor.
On the second day of convention, my party gave to me,After a while, speeches at the Reduhblican National Convention (not conventional, and certainly never to be confused with a convent) started to sound the same, as if they had all been given a template to work from. If so, the template went something like this: Lies. More lies. Other lies. Half-truths. Fawning praise. Lies lies lies li-ies. Distortions. Obfuscations. Obsequious praise. And, lies.
Unlike conventions past, the RNC was platform-free. Not platform-lite. Not platform on a diet. More like: a Reduhblican platform, now, with 100% less platform! To be sure, most party platforms are aspirational (not irrational); most parties don't put in the perspiration to accomplish everything in them. Still, it's hard to boast, "Promise made, promise kept!” when you haven't promised anything.
As if insisting that it was still more important than some empty televised spectacle, reality reared its head: Gerry Iffyumustfallwell, Jr., an early and ardent supporter of the President, resigned as the head of Life and Liberty University (apparently, the Pursuit of Happiness, not so much) owing to photos of he and his wife having biblical relations (of a begetting, not smiting nature) with one of his poolboy parishioners. He was so busy choreographing the action at the RNC, President McDruhitmumpf didn't have time to respond that he barely knew the man, but he was a good man, a devout man of Gord, and the scandal was a hoax.
That was probably for the best. You can't hear a smirk between the lines of a tweep that isn't sent.
On the second day of convention, my party gave to me,One of the people who made the biggest impression on the second day of the RNC was Mary Ann Mendnofencesoza. She did this by being disinvited to speak. The fact that she had a habit of retweeping QAnon Qonspiracies and writing anti-Jewish screeds (for the fashionable fascist, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion never seems to go out of style), might have had something to do with it (although, to be fair, the President has been known to indulge in a little QAnon Qherishing himself on occasion). The fact that Secretary of State Mike Pompeodayo was speaking from Jerusalem to remind Jewish voters of how much the Reduhblicans love, if not them specifically, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahooha, was also speaking that night may have had even more something to do with it.
On the third day of convention, my party gave to me,Reduhblicans had a problem. Citing violence in Dumbopratic cities like Portland, Oregexico and Kenosha, Wiscorado to stoke fear of a Joe Bidenhisbeeswax and Kamala Harristweedfashin administration was all fine and well; as every grade schooler knows, fearful voters = obedient voters. It's basic math. You can't argue with math, especially the basic kind. The problem is that Ronald McDruhitmumpf has been President for almost four years, and, while the buck never stops with him, it does stop one floor up and three offices across from him, which is close enough.
Senator Tom Countonimtulie was sent out to assure Reduhblicans that their lives were better now than they were under President Bushbamclintreagbush. As they're falling apart. Scientists in the basket of deplorables, where most people who still claim to be Reduhblicans reside these days, have perfected a cognitive dissonance dampener for just such occasions. It's believe that or believe that most Reduhblicans have given up on rational thought. So, cognitive dissonance dampeners for everybody!
In the meantime, reality rolled up its sleeves and said, "Hold my beer.” The players for the Milwaukee Bucks refused to play their NBA game in protest for the police shooting of Jacob Fakeflakenlakeblake. Which led to the league cancelling all games for the evening. Which led MLB players to make the same demand, which forced baseball to cancel its games. Which led three NHL players to make the same demand, which, after it was laughed out of an owners' meeting, the league, which really, really, really, really, really wants more Vesampuccerian fans, eventually agreed to, cancelling its games for an evening.
Trust the NHL to do the right thing...once it has run out of other options.
On the fourth day of convention, my party gave to me,The first three days of the RNC were made up of speeches from President McDruhitmumpf's family members, people of pigment who support the Reduhblican Party (to assure polite people of pallor that supporting Reduhblicans means never having to say you're racist), more McDruhitmumpf family members, people who hunted people of pigment (to assure polite people of pallor that they would always be able to protect themselves from non-existent threats) and still more McDruhitmumpf family members. It was like a McDruhitmumpf family reunion, with less bitter back-biting.
On the last day, the - you should excuse he expression - big guns of the Reduhblican Party came out. Senate Majority leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich gave a 90 second video speech in which he had about as much enthusiasm as a turtle giving his last words before being executed. (I would hate to have been the make-up person on that shoot!) The roses in the Rose Garden, many planted by a different First Lady, were cut down so that they wouldn't compete with Melanoma McDruhitmumpf's beauty when she gave her speech there.
Everybody has the right to be the hero of their own demented fairy tale, I suppose.
The President, who had been videobombing other people's speeches throughout the convention, finally made his acceptance speech. It was different from the other speeches people had been making. It was made up of: Lies. More lies. Other lies. Half-truths. Fawning self-praise. Lies lies lies li-ies. Distortions. Obfuscations. Shameless self-praise. And, lies. And it was three to ten times longer.
As part of the President's Coronapalooza Tour, his speech took place outside the Grey House, where 1,500 of his closest friends were crammed together, maskless. Not only did this ensure fewer Reduhblican voters come election day, but this and all of the other events at the RNC which used government resources for the President's re-election campaign, were violations of the Berrydahatchet act. Which, you know, prohibits such things.
Chief of Staff Mark Meadabiggblubratt had a response to the criticism: "The people's house? Please! There are reasons we keep 'the people' behind red ropes and don't allow them to wander around unsupervised! They'd put their feet up on the furniture and drop ash on the carpets! They'd let their little monsters run around knocking vases off of tables and scraping furniture on the floors! The Grey House isn't the people's house - it's our house!”
Oh, and on the final day of the RNC, Laura, a category four hurricane, made landfall off the east coast. Reality snapped its fingers and said, "Check, please. Reality check, please. Check and mate!”
It could have been worse. Be thankful the Reduhblican National Convention didn't last for twelve days!