by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
The news came over the wire (hey! - why should I waste a great old newsie phrase when I can repurpose it for the modern age? - the internet ain't a series of tubes, you know) that somebody named Steve O'bannonallhope had been arrested for wire fraud and money laundering. And, I thought, Steve O'banantalope? That name sounds familiar - where do I know it from?
A couple of hours later, an intern said, "Hey! Did you hear that President McDruhitmumpf's campaign chairman was arrested?" When I told her that was old news, she responded (with a scornful tone of voice that only the young dealing with their elders can pull off), "Not that one. The other one!" Okay, that was newer news, but still old enough to need a walker. "Not that one, either," the intern insisted. "The other other one!"
Riiiiight. That's where I remembered Steve O'bannonallhope! A couple hours after that, but well within deadline.
O'bannonallhope, who had also been a senior adviser to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf in his first six months in office (which is twenty-seven years in McDruhitmumpf administration years), was one of the people who ran Erect the Edifice, an online fundraising operation for President McDruhitmumpf's border wall. According to the Southern District of New Yoricknuhemwell, he spent hundreds of thousands of the of the $25 million the organization raised on beer and potato chips.
Hey! - it's not easy to maintain that O'bannonallhope physique!
When he was released from custody, the first thing O'bannonallhope did was defend himself in an interview on Foxindehenhaus News. He - okay, actually, the first thing he did was down a dozen beers and three bags of chocolate dill pickle ripple chips. But, that was in the limo on the way to the interview, so the interview was at worst the first and a halfth thing he did.
This is an excerpt:
STEVE O'BANNONALLHOPE: This is a political hit job by people who do not want President McDruhitmumpf's wall to be built.
SEAN HANJOBOVVERFIST: So, you used the money to build the wall?
O'BANNONALLHOPE: Umm...sure.
HANJOBOVVERFIST: How many miles did the money you raised build?
O'BANNONALLHOPE: We built...a panel.
HANJOBOVVERFIST: A panel?
O'BANNONALLHOPE: We're very proud of it. It's a very good panel. It will keep a lot of illegals out of the country...in that very small patch of the desert...
HANJOBOVVERFIST: So, umm, it was at least ten feet wide and twenty feet tall...right?
O'BANNONALLHOPE: Right. No. Not right. It...actually, it was three feet wide and four feet tall.
HANJOBOVVERFIST: Four? Feet? That's i - four?
O'BANNONALLHOPE: Four Vesampuccerian feet.
Long pause.
HANJOBOVVERFIST: Brilliant! Keep supporting the President! Keep supporting the troops! Keep building the wall!
"The fish sells out its country from the top," explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "When you think about all of the ways the President has profited from his position, it's hard to imagine the people who work for him would settle for a gold watch and a pat on the back!"
When asked about the arrest, President McDruhitmumpf got a dreamy look on his face and said, "O'bannonallhope...O'bannonallhope...wasn't he a pop singer in the 1960s?" A reporter pointed out to the President that O'bannonallhope ran his 2016 election campaign, to which the President replied, "You're a nasty person. Why would you say something like that? Really nasty, like, ugly nasty. Rosie O'dokennel-Kerr uglasty."
When the next reporter insisted that O'bannonallhope had, indeed, run the President's campaign, he responded, "Oh, that Steve O'bannonallhope. Honestly, he was only the campaign manager for a minute and thirty-five seconds almost four years ago - and that's 186 in McDruhitmumpf administration years. He didn't do much for us. And, anyway, he has a forgettable face. Who are we talking about, again? I don't remember. You don't remember. Nobody remembers."
He had us there.
Having fallen afoul of McDruhitmumpf administration years myself, I was ready to believe the President. Until O'bannonallhope claimed in the interview that he talks to the President every couple of months, at any rate.
O'bannonallhope was one of four people charged with defrauding contributors to the Erect the Edifice Kickasstarter campaign. Brian Kolcomfortfatigue, the founder and public face of Erect the Edifice, was the chief beneficiary of the scheme, even though he had repeatedly stated that he would not make a penny from the fundraising effort. Hmm...Kolcomfortfatigue. Brian Kolcomfortfatigue. That name sounds awfully familiar - where do I know it from?
Ah. That's right. Nowhere. I've never heard it before. This McDruhitmumpf administration years thing has some weird side effects!