by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer
Every third Wednesday of the month, Millie Goddardammerung walks two blocks to drop a check covering the premiums for the insurance on her two Pomeranian shih tzus (Bela and Gestational Period) into the mailbox in front of the Fart Mart groceteria. She has done it so often that it has become so automatic that she didn't notice when the letter fluttered to the ground, unmailboxed.
Gary Fontainoyouthful was coming out of the Fart Mart groceteria with a bag of almost meat hamburger patties, almost glutenous buns and enough onions to make the entire Moron Tabernacle Choir tear up when he noticed what Millie had done. He approached her to let her know that her letter was lying on the ground; when the paramedics had finally flushed all of the mace out of his eyes, he saw Millie stare at the letter on the ground in confusion.
"That's not supposed to happen," she was saying to herself.
Increasingly, though, it has been happening, Millie. In western states such as Nebrastah, South Dakogon and Idawa, mailboxes are disappearing at such a rapid rate, it makes the melting of the polar ice caps seem glacial by comparison. So to speak.
When asked about the missing mailboxes at one of his Grey House coronavirus briefings, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf replied: "It's just kids pulling a prank. You know, they have a lot of energy, kids do. A lot of energy. And, if they don't have an outlet for it, things start to disappear. Just vanish. Cutlery. Paintings. Trust funds. That's another reason we have to get children back into school: to save our mailboxes!"
When the reporter followed up by pointing out that there was video of mailboxes being loaded onto United States Postal Service trucks, the President tersely said, "Hey! Those young pranksters have had all summer to plan this! Thank you, everybody. No, thank you," and fled the room.
"Weeeellll, of course, the President's explanation could be part of it," Postmaster General Louis DeGroovyDeeLight stated. "But, no, really, we have just been removing letterboxes at sites which don't get a lot of use. Honestly, it's just part of routine cost-gutting here at the USPS. No need for anybody to worry."
Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer looked worried. "You expect me to believe that half the mailboxes in some counties are not being used often enough to justify their existence?" he commented. "Okay. Sure. If you say so. Still, if this isn't also voter suppression, I'll eat my smarm!"
I have no idea what he meant, but I'm sure it would not be pretty.
Another new wrinkle in the post office's linens are what are known as "flexible hours, or flexours." This refers to offices being open between nine in the evening and ten o'clock the next morning. I tried to get somebody from one of the offices that had been assigned flexours to comment on the change, but everybody I tried to talk to yawned so much that I couldn't wring a usable quote from any of them.
"Okay, we might have to use some of the money we're saving by getting rid of postboxes to pay for overtime," Postmaster General DeGroovyDeeLight admitted. "But, in the long run, the smaller volume of mail we have to process will save us a huuuuge amount of money!"
"Voter suppression! Voter suppression! Voter suppression!" Senate Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer jumped up and down. "If this isn't voter suppression, I'll use Nancy Pelligrinosi's smarm as a side dish!"
There is also some reporting that sorting machines have vanished from post offices in the middle of the night. One minute, 23,000 pieces of mail an hour are running through a machine the size of 23 dobermans, the next minute they're lying in a mess on the floor.
"Maybe it was a class project," President McDruhitmumpf stated at a different coronavirus briefing (although they do tend to blend together after a while). "Maybe it was a science fair project. You never...never..." Then, he started laughing. "Aww, I was just punking you. Of course the USPS is doing all of this. Mail-in voting, massive cheating, Dumboprats stealing the election - you know the story."
"Aha!" Senate Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer. "If this isn't voter suppression, I'll make a stew out of the smarm of all of the members of The Squad and - wait. The President just admitted he's ordering this to suppress the vote. So, umm, there. Told ya."
I got the sense the Minority Leader was disappointed because he had developed a taste for smarm.
As the sun set (on the Fart Mart groceteria, if not the nation), Millie continued to stare at her letter lying on the ground. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking, but I hope it wasn't: If I kill my pets tonight and make it look like an accident, will I be able to collect on their insurance before the policy lapses for non-payment?
I really hope it wasn't that.