by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Neither rain, nor snow, nor...gloom...and doom and gloom, nor...nor...nor rioting in the streets, nor spray painting national monuments shall - nor a political party that has abandoned all pretense of Rousseaulyeaulanian liberalism, shall...shall stay these couriers from...umm...whatever it is that they actually do. Amen.
The USPS (not pronounced "us pus," because that would be gross, or "us puss," because that would be too suggestive for a family publication; pronounced U-S-P-S because, although quite boring, it seemed like the safest choice to...whoever chose the pronunciation) has been a part of Vesampucceri since the country's founding. It's in the Constitution, for criminey's sake! You would - no, I have no idea what a criminey is. A criminal chimney, maybe? No, that's too fanciful. I know they jump, though. So, maybe it's a juke joint? Not that I know what they are, either. And, for jumping juke joints' sake makes even less sense than the chimney thing.
The point is, you would expect that, being in the Constitution and all, Reduhblicans would worship the USPS. A little incense. A virgin sacrifice. Some pious ritual commentary about the virgin sacrifice (with giggling - what, exactly, was in that incense?).
Have you ever met the McDruhitmumpf Reduhblicans?
Five months ago, President McDruhitmumpf replaced the head of the USPS with an inflatable doll named Louis DeGroovyDeeLight. His main qualifications for the position were that he had raised millions of dollars for Reduhblican candidates and he once received a letter from a Very Prominent Publisher telling him that he may already be a winner.
The new Postmaster General's first action was to send a memo to all of the organization's employees saying, "Hey, bros and hos. We're cutting back on expenses because, you know, budget cuts and shit. You may find you'll be dealing with a heavier volume of mail than you're used to. It's cool. It's cool. Just, you know, leave whatever you can't do on your desk and, like, do it tomorrow. Or, the next day. Or, better yet, toss what you can't get done into an air duct, or a hole you dig out back of your post office, or take it home with you and feed it to your pet iguana. I mean - pfft! It's not like anybody's gonna miss it or anything!"
He had obviously been heavily into the incense. The sativa incense.
When it became obvious to the public last week that mail delivery was slowing down, Postmaster General DeGroovyDeeLight acted swiftly to address the situation: he fired 23 senior USPS managers in what has come to be known as "This week's Friday night massacre." "I love saving the taxpayer money!" he explained before he disappeared back into the bureaucracy.
What did the USPS do to deserve this treatment? "It worked," commented Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. "That would be enough for McDruhitmumpf to want to kill it, but it's what it worked at that really put a bee in the President's spelling."
Typical voter suppression tactics often lead to people standing in line for eight to twelve hours just to cast their ballots; it's like waiting outside a club to get an unreserved seat at a rock concert, but with more legal challenges. Unfortunately, with COVID-19 running amok in the country, voter suppression in 2020 could be permanent. For this reason, politicians of all stripes (and some plaids and even a polka dot or two) favoured allowing voting by mail.
But President McDruhitmumpf knows that if everybody who wants to cast a ballot does, the Reduhblicans can't win. He said as much when he stated on Foxindehenhaus and Fiends: "If everybody who wants to cast a ballot does, the Reduhblicans can't win!"
He has weird pockets of honesty, this President does. If he was anybody else, it would be charming.
The problem with crippling the USPS to win the 2020 Presidential election is that it does more than just deliver votes. It delivers drugs and unemployment checks and softcore porn magazines. A lot of elderly veterans, needy workers and desperately horny teenagers will have their lives ruined if this is allowed to continue unchecked.
The President has waged a war on voting by mail despite the cost. In a series of tweeps that I cannot quote because I have used up my quota for this week...month...decade, he claimed that voting by mail would cause the collapse of Vesampuccerian democracy, the sudden disappearance of kittens across the country and a rise in tooth decay among voting age toddlers.
Absentee ballots, on the President's other hand, are entirely kosher.
"What is the difference between absentee ballots and voting by mail?" mused token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "It's exactly the same process, with exactly the same result. It's like saying that you should ban highway billboards but do nothing about skull-shaped bongs. It makes no sense!"
We asked the token smart person if she had gotten a whiff of the Reduhblican Constitution-worshipping incense. You know: the good stuff?
"What if I have?" she defensively retorted. (Literally: she threw the flask at our heads.) "What I do in the privacy of my own consciousness is nobody's business - not even my own!"