We all want our children to go back to school because Gord knows we're sick of having them around all the time. Uhh, and by that we mean that the only proper way to get an education is to be bored to death in a classroom with a couple of dozen other bored troublemakers, because if it was good enough for us, it damn well will be good enough for you!
Umm, we're not really making the case, are we?
It's the right thing to do, okay? Children belong in schools the way slugs belong in salads! (We were home schooled, and you see what it's done to our ability to construct metaphors?)
The only question during the COVID-19 pandemic is when to get the little...angels out of our homes and back in the schools where they belong. As the following algorithm shows, the Centers for Disease Control and the McDruhitmumpf Administration have different answers to this question:
| 1 | Will reopening be consistent with applicable state and local orders? | ||
| CDC | NO | 2 | Do not open the schools. |
| ADMINISTRATION | NO | 3 | Open the schools. |
| 4 | Is the school ready to protect children and employees at higher risk for severe illness? | ||
| CDC | NO | GO TO 2 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | NO | GO TO 3 | |
| 5 | Are you able to screen students and employees upon arrival for symptoms and history of exposure? | ||
| CDC | NO | GO TO 2 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | NO | GO TO 3 | |
| 6 | Have you intensified cleaning, sanitization, disinfection and ventilation of all of your buildings? | ||
| CDC | NO | GO TO 2 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | NO | GO TO 3 | |
| 7 | Are you prepared to encourage social distancing and enhance spacing? | ||
| CDC | NO | GO TO 2 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | NO | GO TO 3 | |
| 8 | Have you developed and implemented procedures to check for signs and symptoms of students and employees daily upon arrival? | ||
| CDC | NO | GO TO 2 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | NO | GO TO 3 | |
| 9 | Are you prepared to regularly communicate and monitor developments with local authorities, employees and families regarding cases, exposures, and updates to policies and procedures? | ||
| CDC | NO | GO TO 2 | |
| CDC | YES | GO TO 3 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | NO | GO TO 3 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | YES | GO TO 3 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | DO NOT KNOW | GO TO 3 | |
| ADMINISTRATION | KUMQUAT | GO TO 3 |
Notes
From the way the algorithm shakes out, you may get the impression that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was playing Opposite Day with the Centres for Disease Control. Like the time the press said, "McDruhitmumpf lost the popular election by 3,000,000 votes," and the President replied, "No, I didn't. I won by a yuge margin!" Granted, every day appears to be Opposite Day in this Grey House.
Still. If that were the case, when the CDC finally agreed to open schools, the President would have refused.
That's kind of the way Opposite Day works.
This is more the President playing Stubborn Jackass Day. You know, like when he said, "I'm going to commute the sentence of Roger Niestonewallander. He seems like a good guy."
When horrified aides responded, "He was convicted for lying to Congress. Think about the optics!" the President reresponded, "I am going to commute the sentence of Roger Niestonewallander. He is a good guy."
When the aides insisted, "This is going to look like you're keeping an ally out of jail to ensure that he doesn't snitch on you. That is really a bad look!" the president counter-insisted, "I just commuted the sentence of Roger Niestonewallander. He's a good guy. Live with it."
Some would argue that every day is Stubborn Jackass Day at the Grey House. (What happens when Stubborn Jackass Day meets Opposite Day? A presidential press conference, of course.)
The McDruhitmumpf administration argues that children of school age almost never die of COVID-19, so why should the odds of the President being reelected be undermined because the little...sweethearts are being forced to terrorize their parents at home instead of their teachers at school? By which, the administration means why should the economy be undermined because the little...rug mites are terrorizing their parents at home instead of their teachers at school? Which, according to administration representatives, actually means, children need to be taught in schools or they will grow up to be criminals. Or, worse: Dumboprats.
Unreasonable people may agree on this point.
As always, this algorithm is descriptive, not prescriptive. By which we mean: it depicts the way things are, not the way things ought to be. By which we really mean: you know, there are some really good schools in Canada...
