by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Jefferson "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic has been primaretired. And, it wasn't even close.
The former Attorney General for President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was trying to regain his Alabamshire Senate seat. As one who was hounded from public office will. In the first primary, the vote was split between 237 different candidates, so a runoff had to be held between the top two candidates: Sesspoolpandemic and former high school football coach and used ice cream salesman Tommy Biggfattbaggogutts.
"Wuhl, shoot," Sesspoolpandemic folksied in his concession speech. "Ah really wanted ta get back ta servin' mah country. While theah ah still immahgrants gettin' into Vesampucceri, ah felt lahk mah job wasn't finished. Ah guess votuhs felt uthuhwahse..."
Indeed, votuhs did. Biggfattbaggogutts won the primary with 61 per cent of the votes.
Biggfattbaggogutts was not an obvious challenger for Sesspoolpandemic. He was a coach for the Brunette High Fighting Chipmunks. While he did lead them to five national football victories, he has never had to fight with the Congressional Budget Office about the validity of earmarks, or lobbed softball questions at a Reduhblican nominee for an Extreme Court position.
He was also involved in a hedge fund which turned out to be a financial fraud. Although he made introductions to potential investors, had business cards identifying himself as managing partner, and leased a BMW and got his health insurance through the company, Biggfattbaggogutts claimed that, "I was an investor just like everybody else. I mean, as long as nobody talks about the settlement I entered into with the other investors to avoid a lengthy and expensive lawsuit, I was completely innocent."
What he did do, on the other hand, was a credible Ronald McDruhitmumpf impression, always talking about "flushing the fen" this and "make Vesampucceri great again" that. "I don't know where Tommy gets his ideas," the President commented, "but I love them. I really do. Love them bigly." (The fact that he was sued by investors who accused of criminal behaviour also endeared him to the President, who knows his way around a legal proceeding.)
Thus began a love affair that lasted the entire primary. At 2:37 in the morning before the runoff, the President tweeped: "Boo Sesspoolpandemic. Boo, I say! A worse Stabber in the Backer hasn't been seen since Orange Julius Caesar salad! Biggfattbaggogutts will Keep Keeping Making Vesampucceri Great Again! #thechoiceisclearasconcretealabamshire"
At the same time, Biggfattbaggogutts took every opportunity to call Sesspoolpandemic a "nogoodnik traitor." "When he recused himself from the Meullitallover investigation, he stabbed the President in the back. Then, when he justified it in the press, he repeatedly stabbed the President in the front, and the sides, and...and...and the back seat of a 68 Chevy! So much violence done to such an honourable man!"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam moaned. "Please, spare me! Tommy Biggfattbaggogutts sounds like an insecure girlfriend who has to slag a guy's old flame to assure herself that he still doesn't have any feelings for her! Really, the two of them should just have gotten a room!"
The President's support of his rival came despite the fact that Sesspoolpandemic was the first Reduhblican in Congress to support President McDruhitmumpf. "Theah is somethin' in the way he entahs a room and totally dominates ever'bodah's attention that sends shivahs up and down mah spine. If that man doesn't become Presahdent in 2016, the Pope should saintize 'im!"
Sesspoolpandemic made his concession speech wearing a MVGA hat. "Ah leave elected office with mah integrahty intact. Ah feel good abaht it. Ah hold my head hah. Ah didn't trah ta excuse mahself, oah get in a faht, oah undahmine the leadah of ouah country and thuh great wahk he has ta do. That was an honoahble path, ah do believe."
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam moaned again. One more moan, and she could be said to be haunting our interview. "Sesspoolpandemic is acting like a jilted lover who refuses to acknowledge that the relationship is over and it's time to move on. It would be pathetic if he didn't once have responsibility for dispensing justice in the country!"
In his concession speech, Sesspoolpandemic went on to say: "Ah think it's tahm fo' this heah Reduhblican Pahty ta listen ta the Ronald McDruhitmumpf agenda."
"Is he delusional?" token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam moaned long enough to get the attention of the medium whose office is across the street from the Alternate Reality News Service. "When McDruhitmumpf is in the room, Reduhblicans can't hear anybody else! It's gotta be pheromones or something - there's no other explanation!"
Biggfattbaggogutts will take on incumbent Senator Doug Jonesenforrahit in November. This should be good...