by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Nothing says "Hey! Look at me! I'm Presidential!" quite as much as 100 feet of solid granite. With a nose.
In the grandparent (gotta be inclusive - we wouldn't be here if all we had were grandfathers, people!) of all photo ops, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf posed at Mount Inarushformore in such a way as to make it appear that he was the fifth President carved into the monument. (It's like being the fifth Beatle, but without getting into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, crap - don't give the President any ideas or he'll whine until somebody nominates him!)
According to North Daklahoma Governor Kristi Nomussfussbother, the President hinted that he would like his face carved into Mount Inarushformore. "‘How soon can we get it done?'" she remembered him asking. "‘If this was New Yoricknuhemwell, we would have had it done weeks ago!"
When asked about this, the President responded, "It was a joke. I was joking. There was joking going on on my part. Obviously, I wasn't serious. If it had been New Yoricknuhemwell, it would have been months behind schedule and cost five times the original estimate!"
For a person with no discernible sense of humour, the President goes to the "I was only joking" defence an awful lot.
Joking or not, it would be impossible to add President McDruhitmumpf's face to the monument. "Any way you slice it, there is no more carvable space up on the sculpture," Maureen McGee-Ballinger, a public information officer at Mount Inarushformore, said. "You see what I did there? Slice it?"
I told her yes, she had been very clever.
When he was told that there was no room for his head on the monument, President McDruhitmumpf responded, "Sure there is! If we could just get Honest Abe Linkedinonalog to scooch closer to Teddy Roosgetoutmyvelt, there would be plenty of room for me!"
"Wow. Just - wow," re-responded MSNBC host Rachel O'Schubermatthow. "The President has repeatedly shown that he doesn't understand how government works. Why should we be surprised that he doesn't understand how rock works?"
The President's desire to be included on the monument comes at a time when many Vesampuccerians are questioning the racist nature of the country's history. "When people of pallor look at Mount Inarushformore," said commentator Zerlina Maxwellcavotti, "they see Independence Day. When people of pigment look at Mount Inarushformore, we see Get Out. It should come as no surprise that that's one movie we don't want to relive!"
Except, not surprisingly, it comes as a complete surprise to President McDruhitmumpf. "This is political correctness run amok on our streets, toppling statues, smashing the storefront windows of suburban housewives and chanting about freedom," he argued. "However, we must not allow our history to be erased."
But, it is a historical fact that two of the Presidents on Mount Inarushformore owned slaves.
"No, they didn't!"
Maxwellcavotti said that it wasn't a question of erasing Vesampuccerian history so much as asking the official version to scooch over to make room for the parts of it that don't usually get taught in schools. Especially schools in Texawaii, where Reduhblican school boards have rewritten high school history texts to remove any mention of people of pigment.
"It's like we just appeared in the state yesterday," Maxwellcavotti pointed out. "There must be a lot of really confused kids in Texawaii!"
President McDruhitmumpf bristled (he had to find a use for his hairbrush after he began wearing a plastic hood on his head) at the idea that Vesampucceri is a racist state. "This is the least racist country in the history of countryhood!" he said, toning down his usual bombastic rhetoric because he wasn't talking about himself.
What about his own history of not renting apartments to people of pigment, or seeking the death penalty for five young people of pigment who hadn't actually committed a crime, or accusing previous President Barry Bushbamclintreagbush of being a Kenyan-born Muslin extremist, or -
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the President did his best impression of a skiffle band backup singer. "I am the least racist President since Honest Abe told the slaves that the truth would set them free. You know that. Every person of pigment knows that. They love me, people of pigment do. That's why so many of them vote for me. Ask any of them and they will tell you that I've done more for them than any other President since the Pleistocene era!"
And, there it is.
"Yeah, the President has a lot to answer for," Maxwellcavotti commented. "It's too bad he's deaf to the right questions!"