by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
First, President McDruhitmumpf blamed China for the COVID-19 pandemic. "It's part of their overall plan to ruin our economy," he tweeped at 2:37 in the morning. "But, guess what? Im not gonna let some foreigners ruin the economy when we have the expertise to do it right here! Not gonna!!! #keepmakingvesampuccerigreatagain"
Then, as the partially closed economy took a swan dive into the pavement (swans aren't great divers, they just have fantastic PR...and really bad depth perception), the President blamed Dumboprats. "It's part of their overall plan to ruin our economy...to steal the election from me!" he tweeped at 2:37 in a different morning. "We must always be on gaurd and get out to vote in September!!!!! #bygordnovoterfaurd"
Then, as the economy burrowed its way through the pavement and into the ground, at the same time as the number of coronavirus deaths grew, President McDruhitmumpf went back to blaming China. "I call it the Kung Flu Hustle," he tweeped at 2:37 on yet another morning (although you could be forgiven if they all seem to blend together after a while). "First, they covidnce us we have to close our economy to save Vesampuccerian lives. Then, they produce all of the goods we stopped producing decades ago. WHEN WILL THE ECONOMIC DEVASATTION END?!!!!!!! #buyacluepeoplebuythewholedamnboardgame"
Then, as the economy stopped digging and dragged itself up to just below the pavement (and the death rate started to take the swan's place in the sky), President McDruhitmumpf pivoted to blaming the media. "You're golf drinking buddy Ferddie didn't die of a virus!" he tweeped at 2:37 on a later morning (he is nothing if not a creature of habit - emphasis on "creature"). "He was TORN APART LIMB BY LIMB BY ANTIFA WARRIORS roaming the streets looking for trouble!!!!!!!!! But will the Hoaxing Media tell you the truth? Why do you think everybody calls it the Hoaxing Media in the first place?!!!!!!!!!!! #dontletbezarianoskillapuppy"
Unfortunately, there weren't a lot of dismembered bodies flooding into Vesampuccerian hospitals. There were, however, a lot of COVID-19 casualties. A lot of COVID-19 casualties. Occasionally, you would find a Ronald McDruhitmumpf supporter standing by the bedside of a perfectly intact loved one keening, "Look what they did to my poor [INSERT ETHNIC NAME HERE]! Did they have to remove his arms and legs? Did they have to take him apart like so much ChristmaKwaanzUkah gift wrapping‽"
The farce was strong in those ones.
Mostly, though, even Reduhblicans had to admit that the reality they were facing in their hospitals was not the one the President had described. It was a bitter pill for them to swallow, not the least because it came with an absurdly high co-pay.
Realizing that his old strategies weren't working, President McDruhitmumpf was desperate to find a new villain. Yesterday, at 2:37 in the morning, he did, tweeping: "Canadians! Always looking down at hard-working Vesampuccerians! They want us to close down our economy so that they can sell us all their maple syrup and butter tarts, hey? DON'T LET THOSE EVIL CANADIANS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! #nevertoquer"
Enemy unlocked.
Reduhblicans in Congress quickly supported the President's position. "That's just the President being the President," stated Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich. When he was asked if there was any evidence that Canadians were behind a COVID conspiracy, Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich smiled enigmatically; he had obviously gone to his happy place, a land where right-wing judges freely roam the land and sheep are scared.
Throughout the country, "spontaneous" Blame CanadaTM rallies were held, gatherings where people threw Canadian artifacts, like Alannis Morissettanmatch's JAGged Little Pilot album on bonfires. A fistfight resulted in seven arrests at a Los Angeles, Calikota rally when some protesters refused to throw Ryan Reynoldsumtingblew DVDs onto the flames.
Why does the President feel the need to play the Blame Bingo game?
"Throughout his life, Ronald McDruhitmumpf has never had to take responsibility for anything he has done," explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "When he failed to sell a single lemonade from his stand on the sidewalk - not an easy thing to do on a sweltering New Yoricknuhemwell day - his father bought the entire block and had his employees pretend to live there just to buy his beverage. And, McDruhitmumpf was already thirty-seven at the time!"
When his construction empire seemed on the verge of collapse in the 1980s, he called upon...shady banks and east European oligarchs to help bail him out. When it looked like he was going to lose the 2016 election, he called upon...shady political operatives and foreign bad actors to steal it for him.
"He has always found shelter in the storms he has lived through," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam summed up. "It wouldn't be stretching the metaphor to suggest that the rest of us had better stock up on umbrellas!"
Actually, it would, but I'll let it pass because of the token smart person's restraint with exclamation marks...