by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
When the bombs were flying on distant battlegrounds, Martin Verschmeckenstaller stood tall against the Nasty threat on the shores of Gwen Verdoubledowndun. Now, 75 years later, Verschmeckenstaller lies stooped against the depredations of stolen pudding cups at the Eternal Peace Rest Home.
"Strawberry coconut suntan oil pudding," he moans. "I could understand why somebody would be tempted to scarper with it...if I only understood what scarper meant!"
At his daily press rambling (briefing is too dignified a term for it), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf stated: "Lawn order means a lot of things. It means putting the scum that throw their used cigarette butts and fast food wrappers onto your immaculate front yard away for a long time. A very long time, people. The longest..."
Okay, no, that was too early - did I mention the President has a tendency to ramble? Later, he said: "...and, that's how babies are made. No child should ever have to be subjected to that - we should not teach our children sex education until at least their third year of college!"
Too far. Hold on a second - let me just review the recordi - okay. This is what the President said that is relevant to this article: "Antifa are running wild in the streets, raping innocent little old statues and knocking over historically important ladies. They're a violent mob of thugs, criminals and loooosers. Especially the loser part. And, they're gonna be even more...losier when I direct my police to crack down on them! KER-AAAAAACK!"
"Oh, yeah, so much wrong in that statement," responded token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "The President talks about the police like they're a ChristmaKwaanzUkah present he found under a burning bush when he was six years old. A present he will play with so much he'll break it within an hour of unwrapping it, then cry for days if his father doesn't get him a new one. It would be a sad personal story if his present wasn't armed to the teeth and ready to use its armed teeth against innocent civilian protesters!"
Armed teeth. That's an image that's going to haunt my dreams for months to come!
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam went on to point out that the term antifa meant anti-fascist. The modern anti-fascist movement is a loose affiliation of individuals who are opposed to neo-Nastys and other far right racist organizations. The largest group of antifa fighters in Vesampuccerian history was the United States military, which fought the original Nastys in World War the Big One.
"I want a blueberry hen's teeth pudding cup!" veteran Verschmeckenstaller demanded. "It's a very specific flavour, blueberry hen's teeth - not to everybody's taste! Not to anybody's taste, really - why would anybody steal it out of the fridge?"
"We're not fascists," argued Prude Bois member Amon Dastardlyblackhard during a "Yews will not replace us" rally in Atlanta, Georgexico. "We're anti-antifa."
But, if you're against the people who are fighting fascists, that would make you fascists, wouldn't it?
"Absolutely not! We're not fascists, we're just against antifa."
Look. The linguistic math on this is very simple: the two negative terms cancel each other out. Do I need to write down the formula that shows - okay, of course I do. Fine. The math looks like this:
Grinning, Dastardlyblackhard responded, "You got me. You just can't argue with math! Verheyden-Hilliard...what kind of a name is that?"
"I would settle for pineapple motor oil," Verschmeckenstaller interjected, saving me from having to asnwer Dastardlyblackhard's question. "Everybody knows I'm not fussy when it comes to my pudding cups!"
When the implications of the President's statement began circulating, Grey House Press Secretary (This Week) Kayleigh McEnanity told reporters, "Of course the President wasn't referring to this country's war veterans. He has the utmost respect for the men who have sacrificed so much in service of their country. Why, just the other day, he was talking about the possibility of having one over for brunch. Some day. If he has his papers. And, is house trained. And, you just know that the President is going to give that a lot of serious thought!"
When asked why, if he had so much respect for veterans, their benefits were cut under his administration, Press Secretary McEnanity answered, "Ooh, you're good. If I had any idea that this job was going to be so hard..." Then, she looked wistfully (apparently, the game of bridge had yet to be introduced into this administration) into the middle distance until everybody was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.
How did Verschmeckenstaller respond to the President's attack on his service? "Vanilla hopscotch. It's such a bland flavour - who would want to keep it from me? But, do you think I can get a vanilla hopscotch in this place? If I'm going to be treated like this, what's the point of being a member of the Greatest Constipation‽"
Okay, he may have a one track mind. But, given his service to the country, he's earned it!