by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer
Call it a come to Jesus begesus moment.
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, seemingly intent on proving that all Reduhblicans care about is guns, Gord and guacamole, wanted to get to Washburningdington's St. John the Bellyrubs Church in the worst way. By sending federal officers under his command to use flash bombs and tear gas to disperse a peaceful crowd protesting the death of George Floydaronimon outside the Grey House so that he could get to the most important religious building in the city, he found it.
Looking like a compassionate block of granite (with small hands), President McDruhitmumpf held a Bible in the air. After a few seconds, he said, "Got the picture?" and walked back to the Grey House through a corridor of blue uniforms. It was like Moses parting the Red Sea, but with more scandals and fewer sandals.
Some of the photos appear to show a tear in the President's eye. Was he actually showing...compassion for the dead man?
"No, no, no, no, no," Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnanity hurried to assure the nation. "Compassion is weakness. President McDruhitmumpf is tough on crime. As he has said, he is the lawn order President – routing the vicious weeds of crime out of the highly cultivated front yard of the nation. It's just like the way he flushed the fen, only with more riot police. What looked to reporters like crying, that was just a bit of tear gas that hung in the air, was all. You fake news mongers, you!"
"So, the President used the police to clear a path through non-violent protesters to get a photo op," summed up Pulippitzaner Prize-winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "Could his behaviour have been any worse?"
He didn't inform anybody at the church that he was going to do it?
"I had to ask," Robinsoncrusoe muttered. "When will I learn to leave things well enough alone‽"
The Vesampucceri religious community is divided on President McDruhitmumpf's actions. On the one hand, you have spiritual leaders like Methodist minister Vince Anderson, who said, "I have seen atheists act with more of the holy spirit than this President. I mean, did you see how he held the bible aloft? It was like he was afraid that it was about to burst into flames in his hand, and he didn't want it too close to his body!"
As a matter of fact, I did see that. I got the distinct impression that the President was about to spike the bible in triumph, but thought better of it at the last moment because Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor gently shook his head in the President's direction.
On the other hand, you have people like Florida megachurch pastor Paula Sowhitesheblindshines, who croowned (crowed crooningly), "It's the end of Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday as we know it! It's the end of Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday as we know it! It's the end of Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday as we know it, and I feel fine!"
Subtlety is not the Vesampuccerian evangelical clergy's strong point.
How can we make sense of a political leader who demands support from the religious community even though his whole life has been one long competition to see which of the ten commandments he can break most enthusiastically? "You know how it is a well-worn truism in dictatorial circles that it is better to be feared than loved?" explained pop psychologist Alain DeLaFrontenac. "Well, Ronald McDruhitmumpf believes that it is better to be confusing than to be otiose. And, we all know what that leads to."
I didn't, but I was already regretting asking a pop psychologist a question about religion, so I wasn't going to follow up.
Although the President has been exhorting state governors to "stop being little girly girls" and "start cracking down on protesters," he does not have the power to direct state forces to do...anything. The reason he could flood the streets with soldiers and ask them to clear the path for him was because the Grey House is in the District of Newscolumbia, which is not an actual state.
"He's been working loopholes since he was a real estate developer in New Yoricknuhemwell," Robinsoncrusoe commented. "He missed his calling as a seamstress!"
So, we know where Gord is in all of this. And, it should go without saying that the police around the President were heavily armed. But, where was the guacamole? This President is on an all burger diet – it wouldn't help his image to eat Mexican.
"Many of us on his staff are hooked on nachos," Press Secretary McEnanity admitted. "But, shh, don't tell the boss that. I wouldn't want him to take it personally..."