by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
You would think that completely botching the national response to a global pandemic, causing more Vesampuccerians to die than the next five hardest hit countries in the world combined, would be enough pandemonium. If so, you don't know Chaos President. Jack.
A person of pallor police officer and three of his buddies killed [Francis, get it right: the man was murdered, not just killed. Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni] a person of pigment. There were more videos of the killing [Murder, man! Murder! If we aren't precise in our use of language, we won't give the public an accurate picture of exactly what happened! Then, we may as well be writing fiction! BB-G] than there are outtakes on a Francis Ford Bopacoppola film. Posted to the internet, videos of the killing [Dammit, Grecoromacolluden! You're lucky my slapping gloves shrank in the wash and I haven't been able to go to my usual S&M Meets shop to get them replaced! But, let me tell you, once I receive them in the mail, and the quarantine is definitively lifted, and I figure out where you live, you, me and the gloves are going to have a long talk about the role of journalism in a dumbopratic society! BB-G] have been viewed more often than Titanic! - The Musical.
Then, the protests began.
They came out by the thousands. Then, the tens of thousands. Then, the hundreds of thousands. They demanded that the officer that committed the crime be charged. When that happened, they demanded that his three buddies be charged. When that didn't happen...things got chaotic. The protests took on a Jekyllinamov and Bileepsanhydebounds quality. By day, they were calm, with chanting (mostly through masks, which gave it more of a humming feel), speeches and incomprehensible street theatre. By night, the street theatre took on an all too comprehensible aspect, involving setting police cars on fire, looting businesses and being teargassed.
"You have to understand," a token smart person told me that I had to understand, "that people of pigment have been attacked and murdered [There! Was that really so hard! BB-G] by people of pallor pigs for decades. This is just the latest in a long line of murders [Umm, okay. Good job. But let's not get carried away - we have a lot of readers in the suburbs who are telling me that they're not entirely comfortable with the M word. BB-G] that racist cops have gotten away with. The protesters are demanding reforms to policing that will end the murder [Hmm...if I held my shrunken slapping gloves right and swung away, they may not be as effective as if I was able to wear them, but at least I would be able to make my point. A stinging point. Thanks for the inspiration! We'll talk soon. BB-G] of people of pigment with impunity."
"Looters will be met by shooters who will get them in the hooters," Chaos President tweeped at 2:37 in the morning. This is a particularly icky iteration of a racist trope that has been around since at least the 1960s. Not only does Chaos President not know how to put out flames, but one has to wonder if he even knows what water is.
Later, Chaos President added: "The memory of...the dead guy is being dishonoured by rioters, looters and anarchists. The violence and vandalism is being led by radical left-wing groups." To which the leader of the Prude Boiz pouted, "The President never mentions violent right-wing groups like us. Would it kill him to give us a shout out once in a while? It's almost like he's...ashamed of us or something..."
Behind his blustering rhetoric, there are signs that the President is not handling the multiple crises well. Sources within the Grey House claim that Chaos President rocks in his chair behind his desk (which was not created with back and forth swaying motion capabilities) and repeats to himself, "What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?" Eventually, what he does is rage tweep about sending the army into Vesampuccerian cities to use "suburban warfare" to root out the rioters; that can usually keep him going for another hour and 43 minutes or two.
"Rumour was that Chaos President was getting bored of the coronavirus and needed a new crisis to distract him," the token smart person pointed out. "I have to wonder: when he gets bored of civil unrest, what will he devote himself to? And, will the world survive?"