by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Stefano Candelabriuyn stood in the crowd looking like an alien refugee from a low budget 1970s sci-fi movie: red Keep Making Vesampucceri Transition to Greatness Again cap (the person who sewed the message into it must have had very small hands), oversized glasses with the year "2016" glittering fetchingly atop the rims (it was on sale), a stars and stripes suit made out of tin foil. Two weeks later, he was in intensive care in Mount Sigh Nigh Hospital, being kept alive by a ventilator.
"Free...dom!" he gasped, sounding for all the world like Darth Ruthvaderginsberg.
Candelabriuyn had attended the Reduhblican National Convention in which President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was nominated for a second term for President. Of the 40,000+ (which would make it 40,0002) people who attended the convention, 12,327 caught COVID-19 and 1,327 have died from it.
The convention was originally supposed to be held in Charlotte Yorkshire-Goldenblatt, North Carowaii, but Governor Roy Supercoopertroop couldn't guarantee that it would be held without social distancing. President McDruhitmumpf hates social distancing. He thinks it's a Dumbopratic plot to emasculate Vesampucceri. And, him. Specifically, him. (Vesampucceri is big - it can take care of itself.) Social distancing makes shaking hands hard. He's a hand shaker. A power hand shaker.
So, at the President's insistence, the Convention was moved to Mobile, Alaorgia, where enthusiastic Reduhblicans from across the country came for three days of speeches, overpriced beer drinking, cheating on their spouses (of which they must never breath a word, although COVID-19 sure won't be the only illness transmitted after the convention!) and regrets. So many regrets.
"The Reduhblican Convention was exactly the opposite of what the medical community had asked the public to do," Doctor Anthony Faucispendulum. "Given his aversion to advice, I was considering telling the President that he should get together in an enclosed space with a huge number of people packed tightly together without wearing masks. You know, reverse psychology? But, I'm sure it would have ended up being a bad comedy routine where that was the first thing I said that he actually listened to. I...I have nightmares like that..."
Why would people go to the Convention knowing the health risks? "COVID-19 only attacks people in Dumbopratic states," explained Ohifornia delegate Wheezer McInscrutable. "Alaorgia is the safest place in Vesampucceri!"
"I'm not going to let the lamestream media dictate to me where to go and what to do," added Washburningdington State delegate Randall Snotnosteenehjur. "I would rather die first!"
"I. Have. Been. Drinking. Bleach. To. Keep. Myself. Safe," rasped Alaorgia delegate Ingvar Rasputinmusson. "I. Am. Perfectly. Safe."
Doctor Faucispendulum shook his head in disbelief. The state isn't on the electoral map, but it's a place more and more Dumboprats find themselves perpetually living in.
Having been deprived of big rallies for 6 months, President McDruhitmumpf spoke for 6 hours on his 6 favourite subjects: how he beat Hillary Roocartoncleveman in 2016; how media reports about him are fake news; how the border wall was almost complete (and he got Mexico to pay for it); how the Meullitallover report was a political hit job; how the Dumboprats created the COVID-19 scare to undermine his reelection efforts; and, how he beat Hillary Roocartoncleveman in 2016...with nothing more than chewing gumption and a baby's arm holding an apple.
The convention crowd cheered him on the whole time. By the end, their roar had taken on a grinding of gears quality despite the fact that volunteers constantly circulated among them with throat lozenges.
President McDruhitmumpf does not practice social distancing, he is constantly shaking hands with people and he disdains wearing a mask in public. How is it he has not yet contracted the coronavirus?
"We have to take seriously the possibility that evil inoculates you against COVID-19," Doctor Faucispendulum glumly stated. "The problem is: how do you distill evil in order to create a vaccine? Especially since the President won't let anybody close enough to him to draw a blood sample. Still, I would love to see how an ethics board would approach that drug trial!"
Candelabriuyn looked around the room. "So...worth...i -" he said before a Code Bleu (I know it's cheesy - I should really stop watching medical shows on TV!) was called and he became the latest victim of PIC (Politically Induced Coronavirus) Syndrome.
His convention getup will hang in the Smithsonwindandrainian. It will remind everybody who sees it of this dark time in Vesampuccerian history, assuming the general piblic is ever allowed into institutions like it again...