by MARCELLA CARBORUNDUREM-McVORTVORT, Alternate Reality News Service Food and Drink Writer
"Meat is murder" is no longer just a slogan for vegans whose mood is dark because they don't get enough protein in their diet and they are always tired.
Just ask Offreida Modigliyanni. He went into his local Bob So Tasty hoping to get a special like the Barricuda Bob (actually made from barricuda substitute, but slathered in so much tartar sauce that nobody really notices) or the Bob So Buddhist (made from the meat of deeply spiritual people who had accumulated enough positive Karma in their endless rounds of life and death that they were reborn as sacred cows - check location for availability).
Imagine his disappointment when he discovered that all that was available on the menu was the Basic Bob...and Beyond!, a plant-based burger that was held together by spit and positive vibes for the planet, a burger whose critics complained that you couldn't tell where the patty ended and the vegetable garnishes began, a burger that made the Bob So Tasty special sauce taste ordinary.
"I waited for forty-five minutes at the drive-through," Offreida complained. "By the time I got to the window, I was ready to eat the cardboard box. And, with a little ketchup, it was still better than the Basic Bob...and Beyond! Why? Why would they do that to me?"
Why they would do that to Offreida and millions of Vesampuccerians like him? Could it have something to do with the fact that three of the seven biggest meat processing plants in the country have had to be shut down because they were COVID-19 hotspots?
"No," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam stated.
No?
"It doesn't have something to do with the fact that three of the seven biggest meat processing plants in the country have had to be shut down because they were COVID-19 hotspots," she clarified. "It has everything to do with the fact that three of the seven biggest meat processing plants in the country have had to be shut down because they were COVID-19 hotspots!"
Thanks for the clarification. I was worried I wouldn't hit the minimum word count for this article.
Factory meat processors have to stand so closely together on their lines that they often envy sardines in tin cans. They are only allowed to wash their hands once every three days in order to not slow the flow of chucks, shanks and round ground to a hungry public. They are allowed to wear masks, but since nobody in the United States knows where to get masks, most of them don't.
In short, meat processing plants are the anti-social distancing Meccas of the country.
For those of you who love meat on your meat-lovers' pizza, know that you have a friend in the McDruhitmumpf administration. Somebody whispered in the ears of the governors of the states with meat processing plants (in a voice that could be heard around the country) that closed businesses should immediately be reopened. Being Reduhblicans, the governors eagerly agreed.
But, what about employees who refused to go to work in meat processing plants on the grounds that doing so would be their death sentence? Somebody in the McDruhitmumpf administration suggested that states where this could be a problem enact laws that strip Employment Insurance benefits from anybody who didn't go to work. Being Reduhblicans, and compassionate, the governors eagerly agreed.
Not that there would be many such employees. People who work in meat processing plants make so little money that they envy church mice. In economics, this is known as "a highly motivated workforce." In the criminal underworld, this is known as "a highly motivated workforce."
But, did anybody give a thought to those poor corporate CEOs who might have to suffer the indignity of lengthy lawsuits from the families of people who died because of work-related COVID-19 infection? Yes! Yes, Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich snuck a clause into a gabillion dollar bailout package that would make it impossible to sue employers if you caught a coronavirus in your work environment.
Thank you, Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich, for thinking of the big people!
Modigliyanni sat in the back seat of his car and looked at the Basic Bob...and Beyond! burger he was eating while he drove. "So," he summed up, "I will soon be able to buy a regular burger at Bob So Tasty made with meat processed by financially desperate people who will likely die because of unsafe conditions in the plant where they work?"
Pretty much, yeah.
Modigliyanni looked at the Basic Bob...and Beyond! Burger and carelessly tossed it back into its box. "That can't happen soon enough!"