by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
The good news: there hasn't been a mass shooting at a school in Vesampucceri in three weeks. The bad news: it took the complete mismanagement of a global pandemic to achieve it.
Schools across the country have been closed in order to slow the spread of COVID-19. Relatively few young people have died from the virus (they have merely suffered permanent damage to their hearts, lungs, brains, kidneys and left shins), but they can spread it to older people who will die from it.
Spread it like jam.
Rat poison jam with a salmonella undernote.
"There are no target rich enviros these days," complained LosrBaby67834921 on Farcebook. "If I released my aggro now, I could kill my parents, the mailman (if it happened at the right time of day) and my pet turtle, Alfonso Windmilltilterat, before turning a gun on myself. What a waste of my life THAT would be!"
This snag in their plans has been very frustrating for a group that is not known for its patience.
"I was soooooo ready," whined LosrBaby62833627 on Farcebook. "I had amassed an arsenal that would put any small Latin Vesampuccerian country to shame! I had planned my route through the school for maximum carnage! I was about three days away from...expressing my personal dissatisfaction with the world when all of the schools in my state were shut down! Dammit! I had published my suicide manifesto online! How am I going to live that down when the school reopens?!!!"
The classic thing to do in this situation, according to Alternate Reality News Service columnist Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour, would be to claim that the suicide manifesto was an English assignment, and further claim that people who are offended are overreacting, because hasn't anybody at this school heard of freedom of speech? Sheesh!
"Not that I am in any way condoning mass murder," Al-Falloudjianapour clarified with a shudder. "So messy!"
There are also practical considerations to the slowdown in mass murders.
"I have 28,000 rounds of ammunition," bitched LosrBaby47830053. "If I don't use them in the next couple of months, they could go bad! But, I've heard that schools might not reopen until next January!!!!! WTF, New Hampshinois?!! I can't afford to buy new ammo!"
According to Alternate Reality News Service advice columnist The Tech Answer Guy, it shouldn't be necessary. There's an old saying, "Keep your powder dry and your lips wet." As long as you store your ammunition in the basement or garage you live in, it should last for years. How you keep your lips wet - and why - is something better addressed in your suicide manifesto.
"Not that I am in any way condoning mass school shootings," the Tech Answer Guy clarified with a grunt. "There's something in the Macho Code of Manliness against killing a lot of innocent people in an act of public mayhem - I mean, there must be!"
Alternate Reality News Service business columnist The Biz Whiz interjected with his own according to, suggesting that losing part or all of one's store of ammunition may not be a complete loss. A mass murderer might be able to apply to a government programme to help small business owners survive the pandemic lockdown to offset some or all of the cost of lost inventory (ie: bullets). In fact, if you're good at writing grant applications, you might even be able to upgrade some of your weapons.I asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam if this would be a good time to point out that regular mass shootings are a uniquely Vesapuccerian phenomenon that perhaps we shouldn't encourage. She just shrugged and said, "I've used up my internet troll insurance for the year. If you want to make that point, be my guest, but I can't afford to go anywhere near it!"
In a strange inversion of normal practice, parents, fed up with having their children with them 24/7, are shooting up their own houses. There have been reports of home school massacres in Texansas, NewJersawaii and Califampshire.
"Oh, great!" moaned LosrBaby4793105322. "GenX had taken everything from Millennials that the Boomers hadn't already taken for themselves! Now, they can't even let us have our mass murders? Man, parents suck!!!!!"