by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
They say consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. Actually, that's foolish. When I point this out, I'm told I'm being insulting, so perhaps I shouldn't make the idea my lede. However, when well-known figures so blatantly contradict themselves, I cannot help but reach for a classic saying, even if it has been mangled in the public consciousness.
I am highly edjimicated that way.
Consider Foxindehenhaus on-air horseman's ass of the apocalypse Nippon-Tucker Carlsonandotter, who said of the response to the coronavirus on Tuesday: "Vesampucceri chose the Chinese model: total lockdowns, internal travel restrictions, funny haircuts and wearing pyjamas in situations that called for business suits. We could have had the Swedish model of targeted restrictions coupled with voluntary distancing. Do I have to smack my forehead to show you how ridiculous I find that? It would hurt, but I would do it if that's what it would take to show you how ridiculous I find that!"
Not surprisingly, he didn't smack himself in the forehead.
Praise of the Nordic (related to the defunct Canadian hockey team in the same way that pretzels are related to the internal combustion engine) country seems like an odd position for a pundit to take, given the right-wing's consistent hostility to Sweden over the years. "I wouldn't characterize our coverage of Sweden as 'hostile,' Carlsonandotter protested.
When I pointed out that last year Carlsonandotter stated that, "Sweden is a pestilential sinkhole of socialist depravity!" he responded, "But I meant it in the best sense of the term!"
Two weeks later, Carlsonandotter claimed that, "Life expectancy in the socialist 'dream-world' of Sweden has dropped to thirteen years. Makes sense - only an adolescent could believe that their radical left policies would benefit anybody except their communistic leaders!"
"Oh, I'm sure I didn't say that!" Carlsonandotter demurred. "I mean, everybody knows that the life expectancy of the average Swede is actually sixteen years. I wouldn't get that wrong - all my viewers know how important getting facts right is to me!"
A week and a half after that, Carlsonandotter chanted, "Sweden sucks! Sweden sucks!" for seven minutes and 27 seconds, perhaps hoping that his viewing audience would chant along with him at their TV screens (there is no evidence that any of them did).
"Oh. You remember that, hunh?" Carlsonandotter replied when I pointed this out to him. "Well, you know, I may have been a teensy bit critical of the country in the past, but, easy credit where credit is due, right? Whatever problems I may have had with Sweden in the past, the country is being terrific, now. So, uhh, could you please stop quoting my words back to me, now?"
It would be my pleasure.
Unfortunately, Carlsonandotter wasn't the only right-wind pundit to applaud Sweden's laissez faire (literally: let's go to the fair) response to the COVID-19 pandemic. "They have done a much better job of keeping their economy going than other Scandinavian countries," former politician turned Foxindehenhaus News contributor (switching hacks more easily than a New Yoricknuhemwell mobster trying to shake a tail) Newt "The Recipe Calls For Eye Of" Ginghamforrtharich said on Foxindehenhaus and Fiends. "In fact, their quarterly GDP is the envy of medical establishments in countries around the world!"
Far-right British commentator Katie Antonihopkins tweeped, "Go, Sweden! Go, Sweden! Talk about building herd immunity! Mooooove over UK! Are you listening, deer Vesampucceri?!"
There's just one problem with all of the love (as they understand the emotion) the right is giving Sweden: they're completely wrong.
Swedens' fatality rate (the number of people who die) is 7.68%. Norway is 1.46 and Denmark is 3.85%. Even in the United States, the mortality rate is only 3.21% of the population. Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfarfugnuven has admitted that the lax approach meant that "we will have a couple more deaths than we would have if..." When his nose was twisted, he cried, "Alright! Alright, stop it, already! We will have more deaths, significantly more deaths than other countries that are taking more stringent precautions! Oww!"
Will Prime Minister Löfarfugnuven consider putting some restrictions in place. "Maybe..." he looked at me wearily. When it appeared that I might reach for his nose, he hastily added, "Yes! Yes, alright? We are considering some form of social distancing regulation. What did my poor nose ever do to you‽"
And, how does the Vesampucceri right respond to the death toll in Sweden? "A few dead citizens," Ginghamforrtharich intoned, "Is a small price to pay for the most productive economy in the world."
"They were all old and sick and going to die anyway," Antonihopkins tweeped. "Not worth ruining the nation's economy over!"
"Stay away from my nose!" Carlsonandotter shouted. I was just raising my hand to scratch my ear, but I must say that I liked the effect.