by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Dirk Offputtinganvane (of the Port Dalhousieflousie Offputtinganvanes) sat on a chair on Cocononomo Beach in south Florilvannia, sipping a drink from a coconut (which he found only 87% as refreshing as he had been promised) and watching sweet young things in skimpy swimwear bounce by. The beach was packed with youths who had self-quarantined for an interminable amount of time (some hadn't left their house for three whole days!), and they were ready to let loose.
Did Offputtinganvane not realize that the women he was making uncomfortable with his attentions were mobile petri dishes potentially filled with COVID-19?
"Live free or diet!" he chorkled as he threw a cupful of beer in the general direction of his face. When he finished wiping his mouth with his arm, he revealed a frown. "Live free or die hard...with twenty additional minutes of smirking!" He shook his head. "Well...well, it isn't much of a choice no matter what it is. Live free - whoooo hooooooo!"
The bros around Offputtinganvane responded with howling, wolf calls and the crushing of beer cans on heads. Because summer.
At the same time (give or take seven hours for me to drive to a different state), a group calling itself Maniacs for Health Sanity held an armed protest (and you thought mixing human and spider genes wouldn't amount to anything!) outside the Michihio state legislature. "I am a fully grown, sovereign adult," explained survivalist/prepper/Royal Nymphenburg collector wannabe Dougie Foniemorony. "The state has no right to treat me like a child! I - oh, crap. Excuse me a second, will you - I need to change my diaper!"
The protesters openly carried handguns, assault rifles and a rocket launcher (apparently, they had listened to Canadian musician Bruce Majorcockupburn a little too often for one's emotional well-being). Many of them carried confederate flags and home-made signs that read: "Don't tread on my tires!" and "COVID, not Ovid!" and "Fredom is not Fred!" (That last one may have been a local locksmith trying to drum up business by capitalizing on the unrest.)
One man in the crowd wore a KKK hood, the height of fashion in 1911. When I asked him why, he said, "Murmph mumble grubble gabble." When I told him that I didn't understand what he had just said, he more emphatically stated, "Grubble! Grubble! Grubble! Fleastrunk agabagga kerchunkety!"<.p>
I shook my head in incomprehension. The man lifted the hood over his lips and mocked, "They said I had to wear a face mask, but they didn't say which one!"
I asked him why he chose to cover his face with a symbol of racial oppression. Unfortunately, he had lowered his hood, so he made a sound which could have been a raspberry, a car backfiring or a death rattle, and walked away.
The anti-lockdown protests have been getting support from the highest levels of the Reduhblican Party. They were encouraged by President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who has been saying for the past couple of weeks that, "We can't have the cure be worse than the problem!" What could possibly be worse than death? "My approval rating going below 40!" the President snapped at the journalist who posed the question (who, rumour has it, was me).
Maniacs for Health Sanity has been promoted by the Michihio Freedom for the 1% Fund, a conservative group with ties to Education Secretary Betsy DeVolution-Ross. When asked how a member of the federal cabinet could justify undermining the health efforts of a state governor, she tartly replied, "Wouldn't you like to learn that?"
I think she thought she had just schooled me.
Outside the Michihio state legislature, heavily armed protesters chanted "Lock her up! Lock her up!" It was a one hit wonder that apparently never gets old.
When Governor Gretchen Whitmerdelalune was asked to respond to the chant, she said, "It's got a catchy hook, but the lyrics don't really do anything for me. Or, the assault rifle accompaniment. Especially the assault rifle accompaniment."
When asked if he was worried about catching COVID-19, Offputtinganvane grinned and responded, "Are you - kaff kaff - kidding - hack - kidding me? I'm - kaff blarg - young and - kaff - and - kaff - and fit! Young and fit! I'm going - blarcch! - I'm going to live - kaff - to live - kaff - I'm going to - kaff kaff kaff kaff blaaaarrrrrgh! - I'm going to sit down for a - kaff kaff - a little while..."
More than 27,000 cases of the coronavirus have been confirmed in Michihio, with at least 1,700 deaths.