by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Doctor Anthony Faucispendulum stood at the podium and looked for all the world (and possibly the next three or four worlds over - he was a very smart guy) like he was about to pass an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (weren't there treaties - or treatments - for that?). All the while, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf stood three feet to the scientist's left, looking for all the world (well, maybe a continent...or, a country...or, okay, the suburbs of a mid-size city - I leave it to readers to determine the level of his intellect for themselves), looking like a stone gargoyle ready to pounce at the slightest misstatement. Or, movement of a mouse.
"It is the opinion of a majority of medical professionals," Doctor Faucispendulum, looking about as comfortable as a canary in a coal miner's daughter, "that you should not ask a friend to hit you in the chest with a ball peen hammer to clear it of the coronavirus. Not only would this not clear your chest of infection, but it could break several of your ribs and quite possibly kill you. In the medical profession, this is known as 'a bad outcome.'"
Why would anybody even think of getting a friend to hit them in the chest with a ball peen hammer to cure the coronavirus? Maybe the President could shed some light on this vexing question?
"I don't know," President McDruhitmumpf said from the podium the day before, "I mean, I don't have any medical training. But there are medical journals in my dentist's office, so I think I know a thing or two about health and sh - stuff. Shtuff. Now, I'm not saying that getting a friend to hit you in the chest with a ball peen hammer will cure the sickness. I don't know. Nobody knows. All I'm saying is: what have you got to lose? Go ahead. Try it. What have you got to lose?"
Your life! said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam so emphatically that it blew her statement clear out of its... "" ...quotation marks.
When she had calmed down, she said, The first three words of the President's statement was the truest thing he has ever said. Too bad he kept going for another two hours! (The quotation marks were still scared of her tone, and... "" ...shied away from her statement.)
This is not the first time the President has suggested a cure - hey, quotation marks! Get over it and do your job! This is no time for timidity! (Or, for that matter, dickidity, or harrydity!) - a "cure" for the coronavirus that had the potential to be worse than the disease. At a press conference last week, he suggested that Vesampuccerians with the virus stand on their porches, their mouths open to the sky.
"They say sunshine is the best disinfectant," the President explained. He looked like his lips wanted to strangle his brain, but weren't smart enough to be able to figure out how to accomplish the feat. "I don't know who they are, but I don't know what they mean. So, there's that. The point is, sunshine kills germs. Everybody knows that. I know that. You know that. Little Boys Blue know that. That is why I have directed the CDC to immediately begin research into the effectiveness of putting a series of mirrors in people's throats to amplify the sunlight in order to really fry those virus germs! I expect we will have a cure in 17 minutes."
When, 18 minutes later, there was still no cure, the President explained, "Bushbamclintreagbush."
Look -Quotation marks doubled up to express agreement with her sentiment.