by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Unable to hold regular rallies owing to the COVID-19 pandemic (because somebody must have convinced him that killing your supporters by the thousands is not a good way to get reelected), Commander-in-Briefs Ronald McDruhitmumpf has started holding daily press...uhh, briefings. He has used the term "fake news" so often during them that philologists (people named Phillip who study language) believe that he can claim copyright on the phrase.
Why would the President subject himself to a hostile audience (I mean, questions - really! Who do journalists think they are‽) night after night? One explanation is all of the support he subsequently gets on Twitherd and Foxindehenhaus News, support from people who really know how to put the sick back into sycophant.
It must be hard for McDruhitmumpf supporters to praise what he says at his press briefings, given that they are so long they make Dead Souls feel like a television commercial. In addition to mesmerizing unwary members of the press, the length of the briefings gives the President manifold (the appendix of car parts) opportunities to contradict what he said at previous press briefings, and he greets each one with the glee of a child opening a ChristmaKwaanzUkah present. One might even pity them...if they weren't so servile in the service of a world leader whose only connection to the real world is that he occasionally has to pause his briefings to go pee.
For instance, early in the pandemic, President McDruhitmumpf told the press: "Ten cases? Fifteen cases? Please! I don't get out of bed for less than a thousand cases of the flu! Besides, once I've cured all of them, there won't be anybody left with the illness. No need to thank me - just doin' my job, ma'am."
And the crowd went wild. #redinthefacestater wrote on Twitherd: Yeeeesss! My President - mine! not yours! mine! - is on top of this flu thing! I'm off to teh mall to celebrate! #takeachillpillyoupussydems
A month later, the President was singing a different kettle of fish: "Scientists tell us - and we have to believe scientists because...they tell me they know things - that the coronavirus could be responsible for more than ten or fifteen deaths. Like, maybe 100,000 to 200,000 more. But, you know what? At least it's not a million!"
Did #redinthefacestater remind their followers of the President's early pooh poohing (the lingering reminder of which no amount of air freshener could dispel) of the death toll from the disease? Is Mickey Mousearoundahouse a Vegan? Instead, they wrote: This is the kind of positivity ew need now! #suckityouasshatdems
Okay, you say, a month had passed and maybe #redinthefacestater just forgot what the President had said. I know I wish I could.
But a couple of weeks later, the President claimed that, "We're so close to a cure that I can taste it on the back of my tongue and...yes, it's sliding down my throat even as we speak. Yummy! We have had 50,000 deaths in this country - we'll top out at 50,001 before we bend the curve and make it scream for mercy! Those naysayers who thought there would be 200,000 deaths were wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Morons!"
my Prezzie saves lives! what Did your president do when he was in office? HE didnt save a single Vesampuccerian from the flu! #admityouwerewrongandmaybeyoucanhaveprettythingsagainyoupatheticdems wrote #redinthefacestater. They should seriously consider checking themselves into a memory clinic, but they've probably forgotten the phone number.
Consider a different example. "I am in complete control. If I wanted to, I could make you French kiss him," the President said, pointing to a couple of journalists in the room. "That's how powerful I am. So, it's only a matter of time before I use my power to lick this illness. Not literally, of course - that would be gross. Lick in the perjoraharrumphadumph sense. Me. The all-powerful President!"
Minutes later, #redinthefacestater tweeped: prez id man with teh plan! He gonna take control of everything to make it all right! This is waht freedom looks like! #supportreduhblicansbeforeitstoolateyoucommiestoogedems
Two days later, President McDruhitmumpf said, "I can't help the states. It's out of my control. And, anyway, not my responsibility. Their responsibility. I'm not responsible for what's happening. They are. And some of them are doing a great job. Georgifornia Governor Brian Okaykempadre's decision to reopen the state for business is about time to do the right thing yesterday!"
To which #redinthefacestater eagerly replied, finally, a leaddr who tells it like it is!!!!! if doing the right thing is the right thing to do, Precedent is right on doing it! #watchuswinninginnovemberyouloserdems
Three days after that, President McDruhitmumpf, looking like he had swallowed an ant hill, announced, "I don't entirely agree with what Governor Okaykempadre is doing in Georgifornia. He is a good man, a great leader, but he may be going too far. Or, not far enough. I know that the distance 'far' has something to do with the criticism my advisers have told me I should make about what he is doing. For...reasons. So, yeah, that."
Now this this is leadership! hope dumboprats are paying attention! #wepwnyouyouloserdems, #redinthefacestate subsequently wrote. That gap in the tweep could be significant, a moment of reflection in which the poster wondered about the contradiction they were praising. Or, it could have meant the cat was sitting on their keyboard.
Personally, I prefer the optimistic interpretation.