by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal Writer
The Duchy of Grand Fenwick meddled in the 2016 Vesampuccerian election. The CIA knows it. The FBI knows it. Your Aunt Gertie - the one who gets her news from the pattern of burnt vegetable left on the bottom of the pan when she fries up broccoli - knows it. Who doesn't know it?
"Aah, it could have been Fenwick," said President Ronald McDruhitmumpf at a rally soon after the release of the Meullitallover Report. "But, it could have been Ukraine. They're so corrupt, Ukraine. So corrupt. And corpulent. And putrescent. That means they're made out of pewter. But, mostly, corrupt. They are so corrupt, they make Don Vito Cornerleoneh look like Mother Terrycloth!"
"You might think that," responded Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, grinning. "I couldn't possibly comment."
"The House of Unrepresentatives is investigating Fenwick's interference in the 2016 election," commented Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum. "But, really, they should be investigating Ukraine. The place is so corrupt, if it was a computer, you would send it to a landfill without even bothering to try to mine it for parts!"
"You might think that," responded Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy, his grin widening to Joker-like proportions. "I couldn't possibly comment."
"This whole investigation is a farce!" roared Unrepresentative Mark Meadabiggblubratt. "The Dumboprats are making such a big deal about a couple of innocuous phone conversations when the economy is better than it has been since T-Rex walked the Earth! And, anyway, they got it wrong: it was Ukraine that meddled in the 2016 election. Everybody is saying so because everybody knows it!"
"You might think that," responded Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy, his grin widening so much you might be forgiven for believing that he was standing in a wind tunnel. "I couldn't possibly comment."
"You shouldn't think that!" screamed security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "It's not true! It was Fenwick that attacked the 2016 election! Fenwick! Fenwick! Fenwick!"
Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy, his grin so wide you might wonder how, like the Canadian characters in South Park, the top of his head didn't fall off, calmly replied, "You know, just because somebody repeats an idea ad nauseam, that does not make it true."
"Gaaaaack!"
As it happens, Fenwick has invaded Ukraine and annexed Crimea as part of its World Re-domination 2016 to ? Tour. While this would be a powerful incentive for the Duchy to paint Ukraine as a rogue criminal state that deserved to be attacked, it is only part of Fenwick's motivation. The other part is that if somebody else is blamed for the hacking of the 2016 Vesampuccerian election, the reason for economic sanctions against Fenwick would disappear, and the country's oligarchs could return to raping its resources with international approval.
President McDruhitmumpf has an unmistakable motive for putting forward the story that Ukraine was responsible for hacking the election: every time he speaks, he exhales a little of Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy's pocket lint. But, why would the rest of the Reduhblican Party go along with it?
"It should be obvious," stated Pulippitzaner Prize-winning columnist for the Washburningdington Post Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. When he saw the blank look on my face, he continued: "But, uhh, in case it isn't, anybody in the Reduhblican Party who doesn't fall in line with the President's agenda can expect a primary challenge in the next election, and possibly an angry tweep from the President. Nobody wants that. Although, it may be simpler than that: the purging of Reduhblican moderates that has taken place in the party over the last couple of decades was also a purging of anybody with principles. I would say that's a bug - party leaders probably consider it a feature. An icky feature with six legs and antennae that spreads disease wherever it goes, but still."
Robinsoncrusoe said he could imagine a day when Ronald McDruhitmumpf was no longer President -
"Yeeeeeeessssssss!" exulted security expert Donneednopennance from his hospital bed in the ER.
On that day, Reduhblicans would shamble into the sunlight, blinking and clinging to one another, much like the survivors at the end of The Poseidon Adventure, or possibly the immigrant children in Vesampuccerian custody when they are let out of their cages.
"Let's not get carried away and lose focus on what's really important, here," said the President's personal lawyer Rudy Giulihooeyboi. "The Vesampuccerian election was hacked. Certainly. Undoubtedly. Absolutely. Hacked. Forget all those bogus Congressional committees. I have been doing my own investigation. We were hacked. By Ukraine."
"You might think that," responded Prime Minister Mount
kilamanjoy, his grin widening so much that the top of his head did drop to the floor. "I couldn't possibly - dammit! Does anybody have any of that - what do you heathen ignormauses call it in Vesampucceri? - ah, yes: Krazy Glue? I could really use some Krazy Glue right about now..."