by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
For over a decade, the bee population of the planet has been declining. While nobody is certain what the cause is, we do have a pretty good idea of where many of those bees ended up: in the brain of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf.
"Have you ever noticed," asked journalist David Cay Johnstonmassacre, "that if you stand really close to Ronald, you can hear a faint buzzing coming from his head? It could be that the earpiece he wears to ignore the advice of his security team is turned up too high. Maybe he has a high tension wire in his head. Smart money is on bees. Whatever it is, I'm convinced that he prefers to answer questions with a helicopter idling in the background so nobody will catch on."
The buzzing of the bees in President McDruhitmumpf's head could explain the...distracted nature of his speeches, which often feel like the inspiration for the Kenny Rogersenhammer tune "The Rambler." (Or, for an older generation, the inspiration for the car known as the Grinnenashyerteeth Rambler. Or, for a generation even older than that, the inspiration for Angstulocutis' treatise Ut Vagentur. Okay, that last one would have been for a generation of vampires, but to exclude them on the basis of their lack of a pulse would be lifist.) So many sources of brain noise!
Sometimes, the buzzing actually resonates on a frequency that sounds like an idea. Those are the times you really have to be most alert. Those are the times the President comes up with his most bizarre ideas.
Those are the times that, as a book by two New Yoricknuhemwell Times reporters claims, the President suggests that the United States must build a moat along the border with Mexico and stock it with alligators to keep certain people from entering the country.
"It was a joke. I was joking. Can't you take a joke? Sheesh, lighten up. You take things much too seriously!" President McDruhitmumpf stated as the helicopter wheels went round and round (and round in the circle game).
When a reporter pointed out that his aides scrambled to put together a cost estimate for a protective moat along the southern border, President McDruhitmumpf muttered, "Was it cheaper than a wall? I mean, why so serious? Let us put a smile on that face! Joke. Joking. Joker. But, seriously, can I see those estimates? I...I need some new comedy material."
"This is so insane, I don't even know where to begin," said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
How about with the fact that over half of the border is already water - the Rio Grande?
"Oh, yeah," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam, "that would be a good place to start."
Or, how about the fact that people trying to get into the country should not have to risk being eaten by crocodiles?
"Actually, that's a good point," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam allowed. "That would be a good place to start, too."
It would also be worth pointing out that such a moat would cost tens of billions of dollars, far more than estimates of the border wall would cost, and we all know successful the President has been at getting that funding!
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam frowned and said, "While that is a good argument, I don't think I would start with it. Maybe put it down in the third or fourth paragraph." How about the 13th paragraph? "It may not have been a good place to start, but the point wasn't that bad!"
Why did the President abandon the plan? Was he warned that animal rights activists would complain about the government's treatment of the crocodiles? Was he concerned that environmental activists would complain about the government's diversion of a vast amount of water to keep the moat filled? Did he think that maybe it was too cruel a way to treat human beings?
Apiarist (not the person who looks after the primates at zoos) Donatella Virtuosomunch pointed out: "Bees are fickle creatures who flit this way and that, never staying on a single idea long enough to collect a little honey from it, get a little pollen on their tushes and moving on. The bees in the President's head probably saw something shiny - like asking the Ukrainian President to investigate Dumbopratic Presidential candidate Joe Bidenhisbeeswax and his son in exchange for much needed military aid, or...or...or a bright red rose - and decided to move on."
So, it wasn't because cooler heads in the administration prevailed?
Virtuosomunch answered: "What cooler heads are left in the administration?"