by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Genevieve Janvier was a gal (pre-1860s)/girl (1860s to 1960s)/young woman (post-1960s) with a dream: to produce the first eco-friendly feminine self-pleasuring device. Thanks to the administration of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, her dream has become three and a half years of foreplay with no climax.
The circuitry of the Gaia Go Girl is made entirely of moss and twigs. Although they do not hold currents as well as traditional silicon circuits, they are completely biodegradable. The body of the vibrator is artisanal wood covered in a natural resin that hardly ever splinters. The device is run on two rechargeable AAA gerbils.
"Breeding the gerbils to fit into the small case of the Gaia Go Girl was a real challenge," Janvier admitted. "But market tests showed that vibrators with a nine inch circumference were difficult to hold, especially the more...responsive the test subjects got. Fortunately, science provides!"
Economics, not so much. The circuits could be made cheaply in China because of the country's abundance of moss and twigs...and cheap labour. However, when President McDruhitmumpf decided to level tariffs on "anything that moves" out of China, the price of the circuits skyrocketed.
"We hope our customers will see fireworks after they have used our product," Janvier commented, "not when they see the price in our online catalogue!"
The McDruhitmumpf tariffs were actually a double whammy (which is not a bridge score on Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-8-2 dash Psi) for Janvier. In order to maximize production profits before the tariffs hit, many large corporations increased their orders, pushing smaller companies, like Mae West By Northwest Enterprises, the company that produces the Gaia Go Girl, to the back of the line.
"They say that size doesn't matter?" Janvier asked. "Bull testicles!"
The hope of the McDruhitmumpf administration was that if production became too expensive in China, corporations would bring their business back to Vesampucceri. "Yeah, no, that was a pipe dream, and I would love to know what they filled that pipe with!" stated The Biz Whiz.
Companies could always relocate their production to such low-wage countries as Banglagong, Indigestionesia or the Chamomile Islands. "The only way production is going to return to Vesampucceri is if our workers accept starvation wages," the Biz Whiz explained. "And they're too small-minded to do that. Selfish bastards!"
"Umm. It. May. Sound. Like. Self-interest. But. Corporations. Could. Always. Replace. Expensive. Human. Workers. With. Robots. Or. Other. Technologies," pointed out Econo-bot 9000. "That. Could. Encourage. Companies. To. Return. Their. Production. Facilities. To. Vesampucceri. It. Would. Not. Boost. The. Economy. Much. But. I. Am. Sure. That. The. President's. Ocular. Engineers. Could. Tell. You. A. Thing. Or. Two. About. Optics!"
Relocating factories to other countries comes with its own problems. The moss and twigs available in Banglagong, for example, have a higher acidity than those found in China, which often results in the vibrators more frequently receiving signals from soft rock radio stations.
"Zis may not be as bad as it zounds," said famed sexologist Doctor Ruth Westfrankenheimer. "Zome vimmen enjoy a mellow cumming. Other vimmen prefer a rollicking acid rock experience. Maybe if zome of ze dildos vere made viss moss und tvigs from Indigestionesia..."
Be that as it may (even though it is only February), there is another problem with relocating factories: training workers. It took several years to stem productivity losses in the Chinese factory due to uncontrollable giggling, Janvier explained. She did not relish (perhaps because she had no hot dog - I mean in its original culinary sense - oh, grow up! This is a serious economics article!) having to explain to a new set of workers that the product was an important part of female self-actualization, not the punch line of a dirty joke.
"Sigh," she sighed.
Like many small-scale entrepreneurial ventures, Mae West By Northwest Enterprises was born as the outgrowth of the pursuit of a solution to a personal problem. Janvier was a klutz who went through vibrators like most people with allergies went through Kleenexes. Whether it was dropping them in the bath or having them trampled by raging wildebeests in downtown traffic, she just couldn't seem to keep them intact for very long.
"I was really starting to feel guilty about all the ecological waste I was producing," Janvier explained, "when a light bulb went off over my head. A low energy light bulb running off solar power, of course. That's where the story of the eco-friendly vibrator began."
Are the McDruhitmumpf tariffs where the story of the eco-friendly vibrator ends? "Not necessarily," Janvier carefully enthused. "We're considering relocating our factory on the moon!"