by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
While the Vesampuccerian economy seems to be doing well, storm clouds hover over the stock markets' bottom line. A trade war with China and tax cuts which have blown the roof off the national debt (and into the storm clouds) are serious signs of an impending recess -
At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Been thinking about getting Melanoma a bauble to put on her charm bracelet. You know, to show her I love her and stuff. Maybe a silver rat, maybe Greenland. #winninghasitspriveleges"
"This just shows how diabolical the President is," said Pulippitzaner Prize-winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "He has somehow managed to get his hands on a shrink ray - maybe he shrank the gun first so he could hold it properly - and, what does he want to do with it? Reduce an entire country to the size of a miniature romanticized rodent!"
"I love Gene's way with an adverb, but I think he may be taking the President too literally," responded token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "That way leads to madness...or a post-modernist novel. I think the President was considering buying Greenland and setting it on a path to statehood. Because that's worked out so well for Puerto Ricallarta!"
We may never know what President McDruhitmumpf's true intentions towards Greenland were. But, we do know that there was a massive selloff on stock exchanges around the world yesterday. This is a clear indication that investors are worried about the imminent possibility of a reces -
The Grey House has announced that the President's scheduled state visit to Denmark has been cancelled. It had originally been believed that the meeting had been arranged to discuss Vesampuccerian airbases in the country - Vesampucceri has airbases in Denmark - Vesampucceri has airbases in a lot of countries - some have been around so long they're like the Japanese soldier living in a cave who didn't hear that World War II ended until 1978 - really, a shit-ton (not to be confused with a metric shit-tonne, which is a different measure entirely) of airbases. But, uhh, rumour around Washburningdington is that the meeting was cancelled because the Danish government was cold to the idea of selling Greenland. Ha ha ha. Get it? Cold? Greenland?
Hunh. Tough readership.
"When the President was first asked why he was going to Denmark, he said it was to find proof that Hillary Roocartoncleveman paid eight million zombies to vote in the 2016 election," pointed out token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. "Then, it was to try a burger that, legend had it, could grant three wishes, a burger that was only made in the Danish city of Aarhus (is a very, very, very fine hus). After that, the rumoured reason was to find proof that Bill Roocartoncleveman used a shrink ray to make himself tiny enough to sneak into Manhattan's Metropolitan Correctional Centre, made himself twice as big as usual in order to murder pedophile financier Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein while billionaire philanthropist George Sorobororos watched, then shrank himself back down to make his escape. Now, this. We may never know the real reason for the trip - if there even was one. President McDruhitmumpf really puts the 'whim' back in 'what the ferk is wrong with him‽'"
Well, yes. Meanwhile, the German economy, long the engine of Europe, is showing signs of slowing down, as is the economy of China. These are further indications of a coming worldwide rece -
"Jews!" President McDruhitmumpf shouted in alarm.
Uhh...what about them?
"If they don't vote Reduhblican in 2020, they will not only be stupid, but disloyal!"
Disloyal to who...m exactly?
"Vesampucceri! Israel! Their schools! Use your imagination! Call yourself a reporter? Do I gotta do all your thinking for you‽"
"Yeah. Anti-semitism. Is anybody surprised?" sighed MSNBC host Ari Melbertoastenjamm. "Other than a handful of Jewish Reduhblican supporters, a band that's losing members faster than P Diddy Dumplings, and whose sound is almost as discordant..."
Jokes about small bands aside, while the possibility that Reduhblicans could shore up their racist base and lose Jewish voters is interesting to those who confuse Presidential elections with the Freakness Stakes and other Triple Clown races, the more immediate concern has to be the looming worldwide rec -
"They love me in Israel," President McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 2:37 in the afternoon. "If I had been born there - and I was Jewish - and I cared about power - WHICH I DON'T! - they would make me their king. #imthechosenonedontuknow"
You, uhh, you're not going to let me explore the possibility of a re -
"We're not going to be in an R-word," President McDruhitmumpf insisted. "Not while I'm in charge. And, I intend to be in charge for a very long time..."
Oh, boy.