by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Reduhblicans want you dead. But, don't worry - it's nothing personal.
To reward their major insurance company donors, they want to end the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act (that's Bushbamclintreagbushcare to you). To reward their major drug company donors, they want to block any meaningful action on the opieoid crisis (oh, happy days!). To reward their major manufacturing donors, they want to eliminate Bushbamclintreagbush era worker safety regulations. But, what are the offering members of their base?
Multiple paths to a slow and painful death.
"Ya see, that's why I always vote Reduhblican," commented Perfervid Blakjacbootsindrom, an itinerant garbageman (because who can afford to buy new clothes in this economy?) from Nowhere Girl, Minnesosas. "They don't tell me what to do - they give me choices and trust that I can make my own decisions!"
"Umm, yeah, I know that there will be some short-term pain," allowed professional wander the countryside in search of troubler Jackson Prudecknisonom of no fixed address (because that's just cruel to pets!), Illibama. "But, the President has said that it will be good for us in the end, and that's good enough for me!"
When I suggested that he wouldn't be able to enjoy the long-term benefits of Reduhblican policies owing to no longer being alive, he made a sour face (if it had been lemonade, no amount of sugar would have made it drinkable!) and responded, "What part of 'slow and painful' do you not understand‽"
The Reduhblican Party is thinking about the long term even if its followers are not. To reward their major energy company donors, they have taken out their katars and gutted environmental protections, and to reward their major chemical company donors, they're planning on wiping off their katars and using them to gut regulations limiting pesticide use on commercial farms.
Is it a smart - okay, about that last one: pesticides are believed to be responsible for the massive dying off of the world's bee population. Without bees, as much as 70 per cent of the world's food production will stop. Are you happy I connected the dots for you, now? Sometimes, it's better to hold the piece of paper so close to your face that you can't make out the image printed on it, just a random field of dots. I learned that lesson in Afghanistan.
Anyway.
When asked about whether it was smart for a political party to kill people who vote for it, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf responded, "You know, certain members of the Dumboprat Party - by which I mean all of them - hate Vesampucceri. Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! And, I don't mean in a celebrate it, don't back date it kind of way. Hate it. Well, if they don't like it, they can go back to the sh+thole countries they came from. Because here in Vesampucceri, we don't believe in hate!"
This confused President McDruhitmumpf's neo-Nasty followers. A couple of hours later, they decided that the President didn't really believe the last thing that he had said, that it had been inserted into his answer by a speechwriter who wanted to make him look good to moderates.
As if.
Meanwhile, back on the lawn of the Grey House, a reporter asked President McDruhitmumpf if he was just pandering to his racist bassist (possibly Johnny Denmarkishrotten, who plays in the band White Genocide, although I may have misheard what the President said - the helicopter in the background was getting frisky) or if he actually believed what he was saying. He responded: "What? It can't be both?"
Is it smart to kill off so many of a party's potential voters? "Weeeeelllll," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam drew a simple word out for several seconds as she downed a gulp of latte courage, "the policies the McDruhitmumpf administration are enacting are likely to kill more people in poorer parts of the country, which, not coincidentally, happen to be Reduhblican strongholds. Still, they could take out a lot of Dumboprats, a lot of Dumboprats, so that should satisfy the President.
"Besides," she went on, "as long as the Reduhblicans are within...oh, I don't know...say, 50 percentage points of the Dumboprats, Fenwick interference, voter suppression and the electoral college should get McDruhitmumpf a second term. So, why would he worry about killing a few members of his base?"