by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
Hollis McFinsterrhoidal had taken to calling all of his cows "Stumpy." He would call to them, "Hey, Stumpy with the lazy eye, don't go into that puddle and drown!" Or, "Hey, Stumpy who was a big fan of Corner Gas, that better be cud in your mouth! Saaaay, has anybody seen Rex?"
Why Stumpy? Because cows all over Iowaii and neighbouring states had been going missing from farms for years, nothing remaining of them save, occasionally, for four bloody...umm...you get the idea. McFinsterrhoidal, who would be the first to admit that his imagination was limited, thought he would name all of his cows Stumpy to save time.
For decades, the cowspiracy was believed to be the fault of aliens who...had somehow developed a taste for barbecue and came back time and time again for Earth take-out. Recently, however, the Grey House floated (in a manner that was the exact opposite of hope) a new culprit.
Iran.
"Our security services have handed me conclusive evidence that Iran has been traumatizing our poor mid-western farmers - and their livestock - for decades," claimed Secretary of State Mike Pompeodayo. "Our security services. Yes, the ones that the President has been calling incompetent and corrupt. But, in this one case, they have been competent and...whatever the exact opposite of corrupt is. So, when they say Iran is behind the cownappings and cowcinerations, believe it."
"This makes about as much sense as Coke with no sugar and no calories," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Iran is a predominantly Muslim country. Unless the cownappers travel with an Imam who can make the animals halal, there is no reason to believe that they would even want our cattle."
"Vesampuccerians are a pea - we love peas - I mean, pee - we love pee - we - we are not looking for a war with Iran is what I'm trying to say," President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tried to say. "Yes, I have ordered 1,000 troops to be deployed to the Middle East. But, they will mostly be there to sightsee. They were getting antsy being cooped up in Fort Braggadocio, South Texakota, and we thought a trip to a foreign country was just what they needed. I expect Iran will respond to this in a calm, rational manner that in no way raises international tensions."
Iran announced that it was planning on renewing its programme to enrich uranium, an important step in making nuclear weapons.
The President smirked. He didn't say, "I told you so." He didn't have to. Which just as well because, given his locutionary prowess, it would have taken over an hour.
"Iran is no angel," allowed former Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Wendy Baybeeshermantank. "They have funded the pantsing of leaders throughout the Middle East, including Syria and Israel's Occupied Territories."
Umm, okay, but how is this related to -
"But..."
Sorry. Carry on.
"...international inspectors confirmed that they were abiding by the terms of the nuclear treaty that was negotiated with the Bushbamclintreagbush administration. Unfortunately, President McDruhitmumpf pulled the United States out of the treaty a year ago. It's not hard to see why the Iranians would be unhappied about that."
Unhappied enough to raid the Vesampuccerian mid-west for errant beef?
"No," former Under Secretary Baybeeshermantank responded. "That's just silly."
"The cow stuff is just a pretext for war," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out. "You know: the exact opposite of post-coital cuddling? National Security Adviser John Knottboltedonweill has wanted a war with Iran since his parents refused to get him a Buzzcut Lightyear action figure for ChristmaKwaanzUkah when he was six years old! And, now, he's just one self-aggrandizing narcissist away from getting it!"
"While John Knottboltedonweill's animus - note that I did not say any mess, because he is only interested in creating very specific messes - against Iran is well documented, that does not necessarily mean that he is not open to reason on the subject," former Under Secretary Baybeeshermantank countered. "Iran is not Iraq. It has a well-trained and disciplined military, one that could bog down the Vesampuccerian army in a protracted war. Not only that, but it has proxies that could cause havoc - not just pantsings, but throwing water balloons and even egging - throughout the region. Only a madman would start a war under those circum -"
Adviser Knottboltedonweill responded: "Growr rarff evil bastards woof woof woof obliterate grrrrr face of the earth!"
"Is it too late to invest in canned goods and bottled water?" former Under Secretary Baybeeshermantank worriedly asked.