by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer
Death has written a sternly worded letter to Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich demanding that he stop referring to himself as "the Grim Reaper" of legislation passed by the Dumbopratic House of Representatives.
"SINCE VIDEO OF THE MAJORITY LEADER USING MY NAME SURFACED," the letter read, "MY STAFF HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH AN INCREASING NUMBER OF ANGRY EMAILS FEATURING SUFFICIENTLY HORRIFYING INVECTIVE THAT IT WOULD MAKE ELI BLOODYROTHOGORD BLANCH, INCLUDING, IRONICALLY, MANY GRAPHIC DEATH THREATS. WE HAD TO SEND JUDY HOME IN TEARS THE OTHER DAY, AND SHE MANAGES THE SOULS OF THOSE WHO PASSED THROUGH THE VEIL BECAUSE OF WAR AND MURDER! YOU WILL DESIST FROM USING MY NAME IN FUTURE OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!"
"Now, I would never want to argue with such a well-known figure as Death," Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich smirtled (smirked while turtling), "but I don't see a copyright or trademark mark after the phrase 'Grim Reaper.' So, I'm gonna assume He doesn't have a monopoly on the term."
The Majority Leader went on to say that he did not fear the Grim Reaper, since all men die at their allotted time. "Honestly, what is he gonna do? Kill me twice?"
"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THE MAJORITY LEADER DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT," responded Maria Altbaltimora, Public Relations Officer for the Office of the Grim Reaper. "THE BOSS DOES NOT KILL PEOPLE. HE JUST FERRIES THEM INTO THE NEXT PHASE OF THEIR EXISTENCE WHEN FATE DECIDES THAT IT IS THEIR TIME TO DIE. HONESTLY, IF HE INSISTS UPON TAKING ON THE GRIM REAPER'S IDENTITY, YOU WOULD THINK WICHCONNELLISWICH WOULD DO HIS HOMEWORK!"
"Mitch has been doing a fine job - a great job," President Ronald McDruhitmumpf weighed in on the disagreement in a tweep at 2:37 in the morning. "But, death? I call him messy mayhem and untidy death. Have you ever seen a dead body? I haven't in real life, but I've seen plenty in the movies, and they're not pretty, folks. Not pretty. Body parts all over the place...large pools of blood...it's like, you know, he just doesn't take pride in his work!"
"THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD, IS INTENT ON ASSASSINATING THE CHARACTER OF AN ENTITY THAT HAS EXISTED SINCE LIFE FIRST BEGAN, AN ENTITY THAT IS VITAL TO THE CYCLE THAT RUNS THE UNIVERSE?""LAME."
"So, this is what it has come to," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam shook her head. "The Reduhblican Party has picked a fight with the mythical personification of the process of leaving this life!"
"Oh, it's worse than that," Speaker of the House Nancy Pelligrinosi pointed out. "Not only are the Reduhblicans picking a fight with Death, but they're not allowing any of the legislation out of the House to be voted on in the Senate!"
"That's just nervous Nancy," the President said in a subsequent interview. "I call her nervous Nancy because - well, that isn't all that bad, is it? Nonsense Nancy? Yeah. Yeah, that's more like - Non-sequitur Nancy? Hee hee. Nasty Nanc - oh, yes! Nasty Nancy! Nasty! Nasty! Nasty Nancy! That one's gonna stick!"
"I CANNOT HELP BUT THINK THAT MY ORIGINAL COMPLAINT IS GETTING LOST IN A HAZE OF SELF-INTERESTED STATEMENTS AND NONSENSICAL WHITE NOISE," Death observed. "I WOULD LIKE TO JUST REMIND EVERYBODY THAT THERE IS SOME CONFUSION BETWEEN MY ROLE AND THAT OF THE MAJORITY LEADER OF THE SENATE. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SITUATION, AND I CANNOT ALLOW IT TO CONTINUE!"
"Threatening the Senate Majority Leader, Death? Really?" bloviated Foxindehenhaus...person Sean Hanjobovverfist. "Well, have I got news for you! Mitch Wichconnelliswich is doing the job that the American people elected him to do. Who elected you, Mister Death? I mean, you're not even a Vesampuccerian, and you think it's okay to criticize one of the great leaders of the greatest idiotocracy that the world has ever known? You might want to go back to whatever nether realm you came from and rethink your whole approach, because, I gotta tell you, you and your opinions are not welcome here!"
"Yeah, I don't pay any attention to Foxindehenhaus Noise," Speaker Pelligrinosi replied. "I find it easier to hold down my breakfast that way. The important thing is: the House is passing legislation that will benefit common people, and it goes to the Senate to die. I agree with Death: this is an unacceptable state of affairs!
"I - I'M BEGINNING TO REGRET BRINGING THIS WHOLE THING UP," Death, as it usually does, got the last word.