by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
The shop at the corner of Peace Street and Freedom Avenue in downtown Manila has been closed for six days. If the owner doesn't open it within the next 24 hours, the vultures (the gang known as Los Vulturos, which literally means "grubby short shorts," but who still project the image of birds who feast off the carcasses of the dead even though the back of their faux leather jackets has a picture of a blind mole rat, which, I will allow, is not very scavenger-like; if it comes down to that, I'm not really sure why they maintain this conceit, but you tell them that it makes no sense!) will swoop down and pick the bones of the vegetarian butcher shop clean.
With the election of Rodrigo Dudecafarte as President, the Philippines has become a strange place. It may have something to do with the fact that, in his attempt to eradicate the doughnut trade from his country, his police forces have killed a quarter of its population.
"You can't make an apple fritter without breaking a few eggs," President Dudecafarte said at his inauguration a year ago. When an aide whispered in his ear that apple fritter might not be the best choice of dish under the circumstances, Dudecafarte had him taken out and shot by one of his personal guards. "Even if the eggs are among your closest advisers."
That was just a - ahem - taste of things to come.
The killings are taking place without trials. According to Judge Salvador Medialdealo, this is okay because: "Buh buh bluh - aaargh!" This may not matter because 11/27ths of the lawyers in the Philippines have been killed in this phase of the war on doughnuts, and 32/59ths of those who remain are processing visa applications. "If you love your country, I mean truly love your country" stated tax attorney Madge Quofelipadey, "get out! Save yourself while you can!"
When asked why he directed the police to go after lawyers, President Dudecafarte said that they were a vital part of doughnut trafficking in the country because of the way they slyly protected criminals in the courts. When it was suggested that that was their job in a system with fair trials, he leaned towards this reporter, stared at her smart beige business suit and asked, "Is that...powdered sugar on your collar?"
This reporter yelped (but, in a most dignified way) and ran to the bathroom to check.
Shop owners and lawyers aren't the only professions that have been devastated by the Philippine leg of the war on doughnuts. Fully 127/217ths of the taxi cab industry is dead or in hospital. "They were delivering packages to doughnut parties in some of our wealthiest neighbourhoods," President Dudecafarte explained. We used to call them doughnut mules - stubborn bastards. Now, we call them compost. Henh Henh."
When asked if he directed the police to kill the people who had attended the doughnut parties in the wealthiest neighbourhoods, President Dudecafarte snorted, "Of course not! Those people are friends of mine! What kind of a barbarian do you take me for?"
Then, he leaned towards this reporter (who had just come back from the bathroom, secure in the knowledge that her attire was powdered sugar free) and sniffed, "Is that...strawberry jam I smell on your breath? You know, the kind that fills...doughnuts?" This reporter rushed to the bathroom to get some privacy as she held her hand in front of her mouth to direct her breath towards her nose, but she couldn't smell a donut's strawberry jam filling, really, she couldn't.
Realizing she had strawberry jam on her toast that morning, this reporter retired to the press room where she watched the remainder of President Dudecafarte's press event.
Response to the Philippine government's...zealous prosecution of the war on doughnuts in the United States of Vesampucceri has been mixed. Outgoing President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush, seemingly stunned, muttered to himself, "I can't believe we lost to this clown. I thought the idiotocracy had reached peak stupid..." Then, collecting himself, he said, "Ah. War on doughnuts. Yes. Due process and all that. Very important. Very important, indeed."
President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf responded with wonder, "How does he get away with that? I need to learn how he gets away with that!" Then, after a quick consultation with an aide - whom McDruhitmumpf did not then have killed - he said, "I mean, I need to know more before I render a judgment. That's what I said - and if anybody in the media says otherwise, they're lying!"
How does token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam feel about the latest phase in the war on doughnuts? "Buh buh bluh - aaargh!" she commented. Sounds like some token smart person needs a vacation. This reporter would not recommend the Philippines...