by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer
VROOM CLUNK VROOM CLUNK VROOM VROOM VROOM CLUNK! No, this is not the chorus to a Frontline Assembly song; it is the sound of driverless cars hitting every pothole on whatever street they drive down.
On purpose.
"Whoa! Whoa! Steady on, there, my little pudding pop," said Jason Vetwhistler, spokesperson for neoGM (Google Motors), a major producer of the vehicles in question. "City streets are made of mere concrete - they're not built to last. They're not eternal. Potholes can appear at any time - they're not something our cars can anticipate!"
My little pudding pop?
"I meant it with all of the respect due to a member of the fourth estate," Vetwhistler said. "Besides, everybody like pudding pops. They're the 27th most popular snacking food in Tallahassee!"
The promise of driverless cars was that you could drive to your holistic dentist's appointment while checking your email, talking to your holistic accountant about how to explain to Canada Revenue where those thousands of dollars of unaccounted income came from or playing Angry Crustaceans. Sure, people were doing all of these things while driving before driverless cars were created, but hospital Emergency Rooms are no longer being overtaxed as a result.
The reality is: potholes.
"It was ridiculous," stated Marilyn Yakketyabuski. "I was on my way to an appointment at my holistic nail salon when the car hit a hole, and I was just about to finish level 27! Then, we swerved to the left and hit another hole! Then, back to the right, and another hole! It felt like I was in a tank dodging enemy fire, only without a multiracial crew cracking wise to get me through it!"
There are two theories about why neoGM's driverless cars are programmed to hit every pothole on the street. The first is that the car manufacturer has made a deal with major tow truck companies to send business their way for a cut of the revenue. The other theory is that broken axles and flat tires will hasten the obsolescence of neoGM's cars, forcing owners to replace them more frequently.
"We are a profit-making enterprise," Vetwhistler responded without really responding, although perhaps responding more than he realized.
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