Thank you, vaccinesrus.ru, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we had that nightmare again. You know the one. Where the world's leading superpower is run by a narcissistic megalomaniac with no empathy for any other living thing, a con man who thrives on chaos and destruction, who corrupts everything and everybody he gets near, who abuses his power for his own benefit.
Then, we realized that we weren't sleeping.
We can't wait to go to bed tonight!
Enjoy,Assuming You Will Survive To Buy Groceries Again...
You've read about it on our pages. You've seen it on your Home Universe GeneratorTM screens! Now, you can experience a genuine Earth Prime 0-0-0-0-0-7 dash Alpha pandemic shopping experience!
YOU will experience the thrill of having to sanitize your hands before you are allowed into the store. Squeal with delight as YOU are forced to stand on a square laid out on the floor to keep you six feet away from others at the checkout line! YOU will have to avoid the actors not wearing masks who walk through the store, randomly sneezing at people!
But, that's not all! Before YOU are allowed to leave the building, YOU will be injected with a syringe full of liquid. If YOU have followed all the rules, the odds that the syringe will contain COVID-19 is one in a thousand. If YOU did not sanitize your hands on the way in, the odds that the syringe contains the coronavirus will drop to one in five hundred. If YOU didn't sanitize and don't wear a mask, the odds drop to one in twenty-three.
The MultiMaxiMegaMart Pandemic Shopping Experience - YOU will never take buying groceries for granted again!
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322555314741399987fx]
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Talk About A Satirical/Spy M*A*S*H*up!
During an international pandemic, even people who believe in a military response will have to settle.
YOU WANT: Radar O'Reilly.
YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: Q.
YOU'LL GET: Milo Minderbinder.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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Fly The Fiendly Skies
"Hello, passengers. This is your captain, speaking. We have been grounded indefinitely. Expect a bumpy ride as the airline refuses to refund the money you spent on the ticket that you can now no longer use. There will be air miles points and vouchers ahead to make up for the loss of your flight, as long as you redeem them within the next two years. Oop, sorry, company executives have looked at the Doppler radar public perception image and decided to extend those benefits indefinitely. We look forward to turbulence as customers discover that they will still have to redeem the points or vouchers completely, or risk losing the difference.
"Thank you for flying Air Canada. Some day."
SOURCE: Safe Xtreme Vacations
[http://www.lookingforsafeadventure.com/asafedventuretravelsites.htm]
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Ever Get The Feeling You're Being Played For A Zuckerberg?
Facebook Shops, a platform for small businesses on the huge social networking site, has been launched. "It's clear, at this point, that Covid isn't just a health emergency. It's also the biggest economic shock that we've felt in our lifetime," explained the company's CEO, Mark Zuckerberg.
And, Facebook thought it would capitalize on that by taking a cut of small business sales?
"Small businesses will be able to personalize virtual storefronts to show specific products that are considered more relevant and use augmented reality to let customers virtually try on things such as sunglasses, lipstick or makeup, or sample what furniture might look like in a room."
And, Facebook will take a cut of everything sold through the platform?
"It was the people who used our apps who envisioned social commerce. We're helping them make it a reality."
Why am I having trouble buying that?
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/200521/geeklynews/01paddychayefskyhahaha.htm]
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That May Be True In The Mirror Universe, But In This Reality...
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I Like The Way You Included The Expletive In Your Power Point Slide
If you have had enough of news of the COVID-19 virus, here are some stories you may have missed:
Dammit!
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/opening-monologue-05-22-20]
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COVID-19 infections spiked due to family gatherings on Mother's Day. In my family, this is nothing new. Three years ago, we gave mom whooping cough. The year before that, we gave her, dad, and the grandparents on both sides a nasty flu.
Whether it's her birthday, Mother's Day or Schmeckler's Farrago, nothing says, "Mom, I love you" more than giving her a transmissible disease.
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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1) Farmers are dumping products such as milk and pork because they cannot afford to send them to market. Why isn't the American government buying up what the farmers cannot sell and distributing it to the poor?
Because: Communism.
2) But...but...but, it's such a waste of food at a time when the breadwinners of a lot of families have been laid off, and they cannot afford to buy much even with (especially with?) the meagre aid the federal government is sending them. Buying and distributing farm products would keep the farmers solvent and help a lot of desperate families. Isn't that an idea worth supporting?
Because: Communism.
3) But - oh, wait. I see what you're doing. Why is the sky blue?
Because: Communism.
4) You suck. You know that?
Because: Communism.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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