Thank you, Ignatz Semmelweis, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we found ourselves really looking forward to the Easter long weekend. Getting an extra couple of days off work. Spending more time, quality time with our families. Reading that novel we never seemed to get around to. Relaxing as we caught up on the latest news about the need to self-quarantine because of the COVID-19 pandem -
Oh crap.
Enjoy,Conspiracy Theorist Suffering From Cardi B Arrest
So, here's the thing. You know that pandemics don't develop as fast as this one is "reported" to have spread. One minute, nothing, the next minute everybody being told to stay at home or we'll all be bleeding from our eyeballs and talking Chinese? Naah - I don't think so.
I'm with Cardi B on this one: rich and famous people are being paid to lie about having COVID-19, the "so-called" coronavirus, to keep the rest of us scared and isolated. Rich and famous people like Dr. Anthony Fauci...who, okay, isn't as rich as some doctors, and wasn't famous before the President tapped him to play a doctor on TV. But let us not forget...umm...oh! Tom Hanks! Tom Hanks is too pure to get a disease. Any disease. Or, Idris Elba, who is too kickass to get a disease. Except maybe for a sore back from doing all those stunts. I'll believe they're sick when I believe that we landed on the moon!
Cardi B really called this one. Props to her.
SOURCE: Mike's Ultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignoremeatyourperil.com/conspiracy2295.html]
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If You Must Watch One, Make Sure You're Wearing A Surgical Mask And Gloves
Top 9 movies to avoid during a pandemic:
1. A Face in the CrowdSOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2009/October/Pandemic_Pandemonium.asp]
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Mustn't Speak Ill Of The Walking Dead
Russian stooge Boris Johnson lied repeatedly about the benefits of leaving the European Union, appealing to the latent - and sometimes not so latent - racism in pockets of Britain in order to squeak out a small victory on Brexit. His Conservative Party decimated funding for hospitals, leaving the country ill-prepared to deal with a pandemic. He and his party were slow to act on COVID-19 because they believed some insane theory that letting it spread would cause herd immunity to develop; not surprisingly, a lot of Britons needlessly died as a result.
But, he has contracted coronavirus, so all is forgiven.
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2020/apr/05/no-matter-how-blandly-he-drones-johnson-will-never-boris]
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Roseanne Barr The Door
Mike's losing it.
No, seriously, why would rich people be paid to lie about having the coronavirus? They're already rich, yo! They don't need more money!
Oh, there's a conspiracy here, alright, but it's not what they - and, when I say "they," I mean, "Mike" - want you to think it is. Roseanne Barr said it best when she said: "We're being forced to evolve by being killed."
Umm, so, yeah, reading between the lines a little bit, here, the coronavirus is a government plot to kill old broads who inherited a lot of money from their dead husbands. You see, the government will take their cut of the inheritance by taxing the bejeebers out of it. Don't take my word for it - read the tax code. You'll see. Everything you need to know is right there.
You thought the cover-up of Obama's Kenyan birth was as low as a government can get? You really underestimated them, didn't you?
SOURCE: Bob's Penultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignorebobatyourperil.com/conspiracy2394.html]
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In Business, As In Sudden Death, Timing Is Everything
Transcript of advertisements run by C-DIK, Big Dick Radio:
FADE IN: calliope music.
ANNOUNCER: This weekend, come to the DentynePepsiDurex Memorial Coliseum and Pig Farm for a day of fun, games of chance (wink wink) and expensive food that is terrible for your health. I'm talking, of course, of the Gresham Fun Fair! Acrobats! A Dog show! World famous astronaut Rick Hadfield riding a donkey wearing a costume of a rocket ship! All of this - and more - free with admission...and a small fee. Discounts for families of seven or greater! Last year, over 10,000 people attended - you want to get there early to make sure you get in! That's the Gresham Fun Fair at the DentynePepsiDurex Memorial Coliseum and Pig Farm off Highway 7 at Blisterpak Boulevard. Your children will grow up maladjusted and never forgive you if you don't go!
FADE OUT: calliope music.
FADE IN: dramatic music.
SINGER: If you go out in the woods, today, you're in for a big surprise. If you go out in the woods today, the virus will eat out your eyes.
ANNOUNCER: Folks, we're in the middle of a pandemic. That is not an epidemic of pans. It's a serious illness. And, you know how you get it? From other people! So, if you want to live and not die, don't go places where there are lots of other people! People you don't know! Tall people! Short people! Mall people! Wart people! Stay at home! For the love of Gord, IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, STAY AT HOME!
CUT: music abruptly.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-038cahs01.html]
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Rational Thought MIA
Have you noticed that it's mostly girls who are proposing conspiracy theories about the COVID-19 pandemic? What's up with that? Guys! We have to up our game - we can't let the gi - sorry, women have all the fun!
Okay, so, what the public is not being told is that COVID-19 is not deadly! On it's own, it's like a mild case of the flu or a moderate case of brewer's droop, or a serious case of perfervid constipation. Why are so many people around the world dying, then, you might ask? 5-G networks. That's right, the newest form of telecommunications infrastructure is killing us. How, you might ask. More, I mean. Ask more...than you already did. Because they interfere with the body's natural healing process!!!
I heard this from MIA. He's a righteous dude who knows his medical - what? MIA is a woman? Get out of - "Paper Airplanes?" Sure, I know that song. It's righteous - that's MIA? !!!
Well...Woody Harrelson believes it, too, so that's something...
SOURCE: Gerald's Next To Penultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignoregeraldatyourperil.com/conspiracy2295.html]
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