You and Quotes Are in the Same Boat - Paddle Faster!

How Do You Think The Mass Murderers Feel About Being Compared To Politicians?

"This is the first [political fundraising message] I've seen that puts a sitting congresswoman on par with mass murderers who blow up buildings or kill schoolchildren." - Dave Levinthal, of the Centre for Public Integrity, on a Republican email that called Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez "a domestic terrorist"

 Don't Believe Your Lying Eyes...
Or Bleeding Nose...
Or Distended Belly...

"We're at the low level. As they get better, we take them off the list, so that we're going to be pretty soon at only five people. And we could be at just one or two people over the next short period of time." - President Donald Trump on the uninevitable spread of the coronavirus in the US

 "Disruptions to everyday life may be severe, but people might want to start thinking about that now." - Nancy Messonier, director of the National Centre for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases, on the inevitable spread of the coronavirus in the US

That's Quite The Schlapp In The Face

"We won't credential him as a conservative. This year, I would actually be afraid for his physical safety, people are so mad at him." - Matt Schlapp, chair of the Conservative Political Action Conference, on not inviting Mitt Romney to this year's confab

That Shows How Innovative He Is: He's Only 74 Years Old

"Booker T. Jones is in his eighth decade as a musician and a producer." - photo cutline, New York Times

Apparently, He Doesn't Get To Tell Us What His Answer Is, Either

"Listen, you don't get to tell me what my answer is. I'm telling you, it's aspirational." - Conservative Party leadership hopeful Peter MacKay responds to questions about what he means when he calls 2050 emissions targets "aspirational"

 How Dare Anybody Besmirch My Good Name By Quoting Me Discussing The Benefits Of Forced Sterilization, Or Claiming That The Data Showed That White Americans Were Smarter Than Black Americans?
A Man Could Get A Real Stigma From That!

"The media hysteria about my old stuff online is mad but I wanted to help [the government], not be a distraction. Accordingly, I've decided to resign… I signed up to do real work, not be in the middle of a giant character assassination." - Andrew Sabisky, adviser to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson

 Normal Got Us Into This Mess
You Sure That's What You Wanna Go With?

The federal government's carbon tax "punishes people for simply living normal lives." - Conservative Albert Premier Jason Kenney

 Gee, If Only There Was A Way Of Knowing When People Were Using Social Media To Do Bad Things, Maybe The Corporations Running The Platforms Could Stop Them...
If Only There Was A Way...
If Only...

"When billions of people use a service to connect, some of them are going to misuse it for truly terrible things like child exploitation, terrorism and extortion." - Mark Zuckerberg on why bad things happen on good internet social networking platforms (like Facebook)

Unlike You, We Dream Of Continuing Revenue From Travel Ads, And Are Publishing These Stories With Present Income In Mind

"TRAVEL
We understand the restrictions on travel during the coronavirus pandemic. But like you, we dream of travelling again, and are publishing these stories with future trips in mind." - Toronto Star

We Won't Actually, You Know, Listen To Our Experts, But We Do Have Them

"The risk to the American people remains very low. We have the greatest experts, really in the world, right here. We're ready…to do whatever we have to as the disease spreads. If it spreads." - United States President Donald Trump

 "It's not so much of a question of if this will happen any more, but rather more a question of exactly when this will happen" - Nancy Messonier, director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases, on the possibility of the coronavirus spreading

Prime Minister Responds: "Could Somebody Find Out Where That Squeaking Is Coming From And Stop It? I'm Trying To Get Some Work Done, Here."

"The Prime Minister needs to step up and take responsibility. Enough is enough. The illegal blockades must come down… The federal government must co-ordinate action to take down these illegal blockades across the country." - Ontario Premier Doug Ford

Wealthy Getting Fed Up Of Waiting For Their "They Love Me! They Really Love Me!" Moment

"The idea of meritocracy has long been used by the rich for self-justification. Now it is becoming fuel for their self-pity" - Richard V. Reeves

Alien Abduction Has Not Been Ruled Out

"Crowds of tourists have vanished from Rome's landmarks after Italy's government ordered public sites closed in a bid to prevent the spread of Covid-19." - cutline on a photo on the front page of the Toronto Star

I'm Dick Cheney, And I Snickered Aggressively At This Ad

"If you haven't shot somebody in the face, how do you know you can?" - US Air Force vet Jack Mills, who designs equipment to help armed churchgoers learn how to confront a person with a gun

 "I Never Incited Violence Against The President. And I'll Knee In The Groin Anybody Who Says Otherwise!"
- TV Tea Partier Joe Walsh, Future

"If Trump loses, I'm grabbing my musket. You in?" - TV Tea Partier Joe Walsh, then

 "The country is sick of this guy's tantrums. He's a child... Somebody's got to punch him in the face every single day." - TV Tea Partier Joe Walsh, now

After All, What Greater Cultural Achievement Has The United States Had?

"Welcome to the apocalypse." - a Las Vegas bartender on the impending closure of casinos over the coronavirus

 Posing The President A Severe Dilemma
Who Does He Hate More: China Or New York?

"We came back because we think going back to China is safer than staying in New York." - student Farrah Lyu explaining why she returned to China rather than stay in the United States

 Okay
Until He Calls It "The New York Virus," I Guess We Have Our Answer

"It's not racist at all. It comes from China. That's why." - President Trump defending his frequent practice of calling the coronavirus the "Chinese virus"