Thank you, Orville Hudsucker & Sons, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a study showed that young Canadian girls tended to earn less than boys of a similar age doing work of equal value. That's outrageous! Imagine what it would be like if Lucy had gotten 8 cents for giving advice instead of the 5 cents she charged if she had only been born with a penis! If you ask us, the doctor shouldn't be in! Lucy, Nancy, Blondie, Helga, Zerbina and all of the other female comic strip characters should go on strike until they are paid the same as men!
We're pretty sure Blondie without Blondie wouldn't work...
Enjoy,In Vesampucceri, Justice Is Apparently Not A Blackandwyattishew
To celebrate the first anniversary of the publication of Ronald McDruhitmumpf: A President Like No Other, President McDruhitmumpf has pardoned former newspaper mogul (his ego is so big you could ski down it) and biographer to the rich and powerful Conrad Blackandwyattishew for his conviction on charges of fraud and first degree murder the English language.
"This completely exonerates me of all wrong-doing," Blackandwyattishew exulted.
"Actually, a pardon is usually granted when an offender has accepted responsibility for their crimes and established good behaviour," explained Eric Sussoutadealman, the former US prosecutor who led the trial against Blackandwyattishew. "It in no way signifies innocence."
"I am as innocent as the day I...you...Jesus - I am as innocent as the day Jesus was born," Blackandwyattishew continued. "This pardon proves it."
With a shrug, Sussoutadealman responded, "I tried."
When asked if he had read Blackandwyattishew's biography of him, President McDruhitmumpf pointed to a far corner of the room, shouted, "Witch hunt!" and fled out a side door before anybody could pin him down long enough to get an actual answer.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32722648884641344487fx]
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Apparently, The Governor's Most Important Adviser Is A Car Bumper Somewhere
The Missouri state legislature has passed what could be the most Draconian anti-choice bill in America. If, as expected, it is signed into law by Governor Mike Parson, the bill will make it a crime punishable by up to 50 years in prison for NASA to abort a mission.
"I am unwavering in my support of the unborn," Governor Parson, apparently acting with all the gravitas of a regular on The Big Bang Theory, explained. "Some may say stupidly so, but extremism in the defence of repressing liberty is no vice!"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2007/ALLPOLITICS/07/28/reps.main/index.html]
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The Sad Tale Of A College Student Gone Ferrall
An email sent on Tuesday by Tom Ferrall, chairman of the Ohio Federation of College Republicans, bore the subject line "AOC is a domestic terrorist" and asked recipients to donate to his group.
What did recently elected Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (known by her friends...and others who are not so much, apparently, as AOC) do to deserve this label? Was she responsible for bombing a mosque? No? Okay. But, she walked into a synagogue and opened fire on worshippers in the middle of a holiday service, right? No? Not that, either? Okay, at least she set off a bomb in a government building, killing dozens of people, didn't she? Didn't she‽ C'mon! You gotta give me setting off a bomb in a government building, killing dozens!
No? Then, how can you label her a domestic terror - oh. Because she disagrees with your politics.
The basket of deplorables is rife with rhetoric so overheated, you could use it to make a pot of coffee, with enough left over to warm a single bedroom apartment through two and a half days of moderately cool temperatures. Ferrall's magniloquence apparently falls somewhere between the two: hot enough to heat several samovars of coffee or the closet of a single bedroom apartment for an afternoon of moderately warm temperatures.
That's okay. He's young. He's in school. He'll learn.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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On The Other Hand, SkyNet Would Have An Obvious Advantage Over Most MPPs
Slashing worse than a masked madman with a massive machete, it's hard to keep up with all of the damage the Ford government is doing to the province of Ontario. Fortunately, the latest cuts, $20 million from the Vector Institute for Artificial Intelligence and $4 million from the Canadian Institute for Advanced Research (CIFAR), which supports a hub of AI-focused computer scientists, has an easy solution.
Premier Ford and key members of his cabinet should be forced to watch a Terminator marathon and be told, "Is this the future you want? Is this really the future you want? Apparently, it is. Because, if you don't restore funding for AI research, we will be defenceless against SkyNet when it achieves consciousness!"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1430H3EC-2C145-20K5-AAA1589944B711111]
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SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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The Highs And Kudlows Of American Economic Policy Laid Bare
On Fox News Sunday, National Economic Council Director Larry Kudlow acknowledged that American consumers will end up paying for the administration's tariffs on Chinese imports.
President Donald Trump, who has said that trade wars were easy to win, responded: "I like Larry. He's a good man. He does a good job. But, he's not right about this. Americans will only be paying for the tariffs in the sense that the money will be coming out of their pockets. That's not - how is that paying for the tariffs? It's not, right? Everybody knows that."
Everybody except Kudlow, apparently. Kudlow refused to comment on the President's statement, but it wasn't hard to tell from the expression on his face that he wouldn't be making any television appearances in the foreseeable future.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f6f2-4f4f-9f35-a3eb4cc6a376]
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Can A Tell-all Biography Be Far Behind?
Internet sensation Grumpy Cat has died at the age of seven, apparently of complications from a urinary tract infection. She was not impressed.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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