Thank you, Diamond Lil Abner, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, George Clooney made a video for Jimmy Kimmel's late night show about d*mb**ckery. We were pretty sure it was funny - Clooney can be hilarious when he does that deadpan thing that he does - but we couldn't make out quite what the video was about. Dambduckery? Dimblackery? Dembmockery? Dumbledorehockey? Dumbledorehockey? Really? Dumbledorequidditch would have made more sense, but it didn't fit.
Dang it! We hate not being in on the joke!
Enjoy,I'm Sure They Wish Somebody Would Change The Ectopic
Proposed Ohio legislation would outlaw abortions in the case of ectopic pregnancies - in which the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus - since pregnant women can undergo surgery "intended to reimplant the fertilized ovum into the pregnant woman's uterus," a procedure that medical professionals say does not exist. According to Dr. Daniel Grossman, the measure should be removed from the bill "since it's pure science fiction."
"Oh, don't lay that on us!" responded Science Fiction Writers of America President Cat Rambo. "The science in science fiction has to have some basis in reality!"
SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex
[http://www.medical-industrial-complex.org/journals/micx/pregnant_pause_syndrome/secure/2_pds.htm]
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SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=4476583072]
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Today's Forecast: Mild With A Chance Of Raining Weapons
President Trump is rumoured to be considering a war to boost his support in the run-up to the 2020 election. What does Vegas have to say about this?
Venezuela: 2-1. The country is already in chaos, so invading it to keep it independent and installing the runner-up in its last election as President in order keep it democratic would be a cakewalk. The only downside is that the battle would be so one-sided, it might be too short to garner Trump any support as a war President.
Iran: 3-1. Pulling out of the arms treaty with Iran and placing increasingly brutal economic sanctions on the country are indications that this is the tail of the President's preferred dog to wag. The problem is that Iran has a spiffy military; it battled Iraq to a seven year bloody standstill, and that was back when America was still Saddam Hussein's friend! Quagmire alert!
Canada: 17-3. The President has had nothing but bad things to say about the country since he was elected. And, what pushovers they would be! Not only do they not have nukes, but their Prime Minister is, like, 12 years old! The only reason President Trump might think twice about invading this country is that some Americans still think of it as an "ally."
Poverty: 10,027-1. There's no glory in it.
Peace: there aren't enough zeroes in the universe to measure this one.
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,the-Art-Garfunkel-of-war]
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Give Them Credit For Creativity: They Found Ways Of Doing Both
Thanks to budget cuts by Ontario's provincial government, Toronto will lose at least $178 million in funding in the next fiscal year. Treasury Board President Peter "I Am Not Making This Name Up" Bethlenfalvy combatively stated that the Progressive Conservative government has "made tough choices."
Indeed. Sticking it to a Liberal federal government by opting out of shared programmes or sticking it to a municipal government by offloading services onto it because its people didn't vote Conservative in the provincial election must have been a really tough choice.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=294782]
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Oh, Say, Can You Pelosi?
Excerpt from Fox News:
HANNITY: Are they out of their minds? Their feeble, little, pathetic excuses for minds? The Democrats are now talking about impeaching the most popular President since Washington took a canoe ride! Don't take my word for it. Listen to what House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had to say:
PELOSI: I'm not in favour of it, no.
REPORTER: But, what if the President continues to direct his staff not to cooperate with Congressional investigations?
PELOSI: Congress has a lot of tools at their disposal to compel cooperation.
REPORTER: But, what if those tools don't work? Then, will you consider impeachment?
PELOSI: Weeeellll...
REPORTER: Yes?
PELOSI: I hope it doesn't come to that. But, if it does, I refuse to take impeachment off the table...
HANNITY: Could the naked partisanship of the Democrats be any more obvious? If the Speaker had foamed at the mouth any more, she would have had to have been put down! What am I saying? She should be put down anyway! The extremism of these communist fascist socialist terrorists speaks for itself!
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/hannitysnomanatee.shtml]
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Are You Kidding? The Whole Movie Was One Massive Continuity Error!
A cup? A Starbucks cup? In the middle of a scene in Game of Thrones? This is outrageous! How many millions of dollars were spent on the series? How many months has it taken them to shoot and edit the episode? And, in all that time, not a single person noticed that there was a modern coffee cup in the middle of a supposedly medieval -
What? The cup has been edited out of the streaming video version of the episode, and won't appear in reruns or on the DVD? That was fast - it hasn't been 48 hours since the show aired. Still, it's a terrible...umm...it's really bad...umm...
Did anybody notice any continuity errors in Avengers: Endgame?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2019/2019/05/09/tempestinacoffeecup/]
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Enter The Librarian
Conservative MPP Sam "I'm Not Making This Name Up, Either" Oosterhoff has come in for ridicule because somebody on his staff called 911 when a group of library-loving seniors invaded his office, brandishing open books which they proceeded to read at besieged staff members. They were not just reading at Oosterhoff's staff - they were reading with intent.
Intent of what, you might ask? Intent to commit murder of ignorance? Intent to traffic in mind-altering ideas? Intent to assault the fundamental illogic of current right-wing thinking?
We say all of the above.
The mainstream media can laugh all they want, but, after this incident, Oosterhoff would be well within his rights to demand that the Party give his staff danger pay!
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2019/05/09/509727.html]
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