Thank you, Problem Attic Tech Solutions, Inc., for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Gallup announced that the results of an international poll indicated that the world was getting angrier. Well, d'uh! Anybody who has spent three seconds on Twitter could tell you that! Less on Facebook! According to the poll, 22 per cent of respondents said they felt angry, a whopping two points higher than in 2017. This clearly -
Wait, what? You want us to believe that a result within the margin of error is somehow "whopping?" Seriously‽ What kind of morons do you think we - don't answer that, you pathetic excuse for researchers! Dumbasses probably think that eating arsenic is bad for you, too! Why have you wasted our time with this stupid cra -
Ahem. Then, we decided that maybe we should stay away from the social sciences for a while...
Enjoy,Gives New Meaning To The Phrase "Human Garbage"
Canada has taken back dozens of shipping containers of garbage from the Philippines, averting an improbable but likely harmful war. In addition to the unrecyclable plastic and other detritus that Canada sent away, the containers contained unidentified human body parts.
When asked what this was, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte smirked, "Interest."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20190502.eladvote0502_@/BNStory/newsOops2019/]
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He Had Perfect Diction
Actor Peter Mayhew has died at the age of 74. All we can say is: "Aaaaaawwwwwroooooaaaaaayeh grooooonk!"
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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The Suit Would Have Fared Better If Carl Sagan Had Been Scammed
Buyers of Liberty Developments' cancelled Cosmos condo project have lost a legal battle they were wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' would clear the way for them to seek compensation for payin' tens of thousands of dollars in deposits that they have not got back.
That's one way of cooling the overheated housing market In Toronto, I suppose.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd4-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a777]
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Somebody Has Been Taking Gallup Polls Of The World's Mood A Little Too Seriously...
Burger King has announced that it will be serving "Mood Meals" at select restaurants. The meals will be named "Angry," "Irate," "Incensed" and, in a tie-in with a certain movie franchise, "Hulk Smash."
The good news is that the meals will come with a "delightful added extra." A cute toy that expresses each mood? The company is not saying what these extras will be, but sources suggest that the Angry meal will feature a "special blend" of Zoloft and Prozac, ground Ritalin will be mixed into the "Irate" meal and people who eat the Incensed meal might find that it has a slight aftertaste of cyclobenzaprine.
Nobody knows what will be added to Hulk Smash, but you have to believe it'll be a knock-out.
SOURCE: Ukrainian Foodies
[http://www.foodies.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%3Flistings%3Findex%3Easp%2F®Mode=0]
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I Believe They've Forgotten Something, But I Can't Quite Put My Finger On What...
The Ford Administration's Approach to Dealing With Social Programmes Algorithm
| 1. | Is there a government programme that benefits the poor with no obvious immediate benefit to the not so poor? | |
| YES | 2. | Burn that programme, baby, burn it. Burn it to the ground. Burn it to ashes, then burn the ashes down to their atomic structure. Burn it worse if there is such a thing, and, if there isn't, find such a thing! By which, we mean, ahem, completely cut funding for the programme, then assure the public that it will be replaced by something shinier, prettier and more cost-effective that will achieve the same purpose as the burned - hee hee...sorry - programme. Then, announce that beer and spirits will not only be available at corner stores, but they will rain from the skies onto the grateful residents of the province. |
| NO | 3. | Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure that there are no government programmes that benefit the poor with no obvious immediate benefit to the not so poor? Really? |
| NO | GO back TO 1. and check your work to make sure. | |
| YES | 4. | Well done. Kick back and enjoy the beer raining from the sky. |
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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You Bet! The Wizards At The Fraser Institute Won't Let A Little Thing Like Gravity Stop Them From Floating Off That Cliff!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1396433036]
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That We Love Them Enough To Want Them To Live?
The Canadian Food Inspection Agency announced that it will launch a consultation to determine a maximum level of arsenic allowed in food, including baby cereal. The news was not met with universal approval.
"It's a harsh world," said Andrew Scheer, leader of the Building a Bridge to the Dark Ages (nee: Conservative) Party. "If we regulate the amount of arsenic in food, we will be telling Canadians that they don't have to be personally responsible for the health effects of what they put in their bodies, that the state will look after that for them. Honestly, what would that kind of regulation teach our children?"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088500131813&call_pageid=968335895492&col=968666940354]
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The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would keep the United States in the Paris climate accord, something that President Trump has vowed that he would feed his copy of to a polar bear in the hope that it would choke on it. Now, I'm not saying passing this bill was a provocative move, but, if it wasn't, would the Democrats have named it the Poking the President in the Eye With a Sharp Stick Act?
Of course, the legislation has no chance of passing the Senate, but the Democrats are hoping that this will send a message to the American people. And, it will. And, the message is: impeachment? What are you? Nuts? There's no point in passing a bill that has no chance of being approved by the Senate!
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/opening-monologue-05-05-19]
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Ass Facts Are Cost Effective: They Don't Require Anywhere Near The Funding That Research Organizations Do, Just A Small Budget For Toilet Paper
The Ford government has eliminated funding for Gambling Research Exchange Ontario, an organization that researches problem gambling and provides resources used by front-line service providers.
What are the odds that the government has done research into the effects of this policy?
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=297432]
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